27 Dec 2010

Health : D&D Free, U B 2…… WTF!?

Category: A4A : Health

One of the advantages of using Adam4Adam is the ability to learn about a potential sex partner without much effort. Knowing what a guy is into, what he looks like, where he is located and if he is a sexual match can happen quickly because of the information in a profile.

There are also personal risks when you depend solely on the information men provide in a profile. When hooking up it is a dangerous idea to assume that what you see is what you get. Some information that may not be accurate can put you at real risk.

There are outright lies (such as dick size, age, and yes, even HIV status) and then there are statements such as ‘D&D Free’, that are usually not intended to be a lie, but are vague assumptions regarding an individual’s health.

Staying drug and disease free is an achievable goal. But there are some real problems with efforts to stay ‘healthy’ that depend on claims like D&D free.  When I see statements like this I wonder why men even bother. Is this an attempt to avoid having a conversation about drugs, HIV and STDs? Does putting D&D free U B 2 in a profile help these guys to feel guilt free, as if they are ‘being safe’ and finding ‘safe’ men to have sex with just by making unsupported ascertains about their health?

Don’t get me wrong, I believe that all consenting adults have the right to have sex in whatever way they want, with whoever they want (Bareback included). What I have a problem with is vague messages, like  “HIV- U B 2” or ‘D&D Free’ when they are used as a the method of self-promotion and sexual risk reduction. How does one truly know that they are D&D free? If you are getting tested regularly and have negative results does that mean you are D&D free right now? Do those that post D&D free understand what it means to be tested? Do they know what a negative test means? Are they really tested for all STDs as well?

It is important to remember that we cannot assume that we or anyone else is truly D&D free just because it says so in a profile. Staying healthy is not about assumptions, and not even about having sex with HIV- men only. Staying healthy is the result of getting tested being clear of what we will and will not do sexually  in our profile and talking to your partners about drug use, HIV and STDs.  

Sticking to your standards (using a condom every time, not at all, under certain conditions, etc.) is about saying what you mean and saying it clearly. Saying it in your profile can help weed out mismatched partners and help you to stay healthy according to your own standards of what healthy means to you.

Stephan

134 comments for Health : D&D Free, U B 2…… WTF!?

  • I have come across many guys here who say Neg in their profile, but when I mention I’m poz, and ask if its an issue for them, they say ‘oh, no prob, me too!” It that’s the case, why outright lie on your profile. Another issue is I know a few who are exposed to HPV, but will still claim D&D free.

  • I so totally agree with this and am glad, finally, we’re having the conversation. It’s sex, guys lie, the responsibility lies with you to make sure you’re safe, do not depend on what other tell you when it comes to getting laid. Assume everyone is poz and proceed from there with your own comfort level.

  • Good article, covered all the bases! Have chated with a number of guys who do not come out and indicate their HIV status, or worse, lie about it. Remember guys, there is no such thing as “Safe” sex…only “Safer” sex. You should always assume that there is a degree of risk in any encounter (except for cam to cam), and minimise your exposure if you want to stay Neg! Happy Hunting!

  • Gardasil has now been approved for HPV to prevent transmission anally and lead to Anal cancer predominantly in gay men. This is a HUGE advancement for us and all gay men who can afford the three shots should do this.

  • I am disappointed and frightened by the number of men on sites of this kind that lie. As a HIV+ man that honestly posts my status online, it tells me so much about a man that is not able to do the same. I often say to these positive men that post their status as negative, why lie? I would have more respect if you did not answer the question versus outright lieing.” I am usually are not interested in these men when I learn how they wish to decieve other men.

  • Great article! It really puts things into perspective and lets people know that you can’t always take people for face value. There are many people on a4a who lie about their age, location so of course there are those who will lie about their status. I laugh when people say things like : HIV Negative with papers to prove it”. Anyone can type that in there profile and even if you do have your latest test result that does not mean you are free and clear at that moment.

  • Great article. We really need to educate ourselves on sexual health. We need health care providers we are comfortable with. We also need to talk to our partners, and our friends. There are a lot of dangerous misconceptions out there. Unless you are abstinent, you are only as negative as your last test. Guys can be exposed to some STDs without even having symptoms, while they think they are disease free. We should definitely not take comfort in anything that is posted on a website, or even what guys say face to face. We can only vouch for ourselves to a certain point, so anything someone else says should be taken with a grain of salt and a side-eye view.

  • Hey thanks for this post. But I think we also have to have the conversation about the intentional acts of stigma perpetrated against those of us who tell the truth about our status in our profiles. I know men who say they are attracted to me, but my HIV poz status makes it “impossible” for them to wanna fuck. But, I know they are out fucking raw with men who are poz, but lying about it. This creates a situation where there are rewards for dishonesty, and none for honesty. It’s dangerous for everyone involved.

  • I’m poz too but I still prefer bb. Some would be suprised about how many guys say safer only in their profile and will still bb even knowing my status. Then there are those that are all bout it til they hear that scarry word HIV. I find most guys are living with their heads in the sand. My favorite question is are u clean. My response always is I wash myself everyday. I don’t post my status in my profile. I do this to see how many will actually ask. I can say few do.

  • Regardless of someone’s profile status..Safe or Safer Sex is always the best route. And that doesn’t just apply to A4A either. I hooked up a few months ago with someone I have known, or thought I had known, for 10 years or more. It wasn’t until a month ago that he confessed to me he was HIV+ and had been for more than two years. While the sex was protected…there was a lot of unprotected foreplay that could have been considered at risk. You cannot take anything or anyone for granted. Now its just a waiting game to determine if I was infected or not. The person I hooked up with is also a member of A4A…but does not list his HIV status in his profile. Just goes to show…you never really know unless you are tested regularly.

  • Why is HIV the ONLY STD that’s mentioned? What about syphilis, gonorrhea, herpes (which is lethal if it gets into your ocular membrane) and the HEPATITIS strains that are ALL lethal?

    All that does is polarize an already flaky community. Face it, the gay community has no ‘unity’ to it. That’s where the HIV +/HIV – comes into play. So, I suppose the bottom line is that gay men lie to get what they want.

    How childish is that? And at what and whose cost??

  • I’m really coming to appreciate this blog. Useful information thoughtfully delivered. Good job.

  • I agree in honesty as mentioned in the above comments. My experience with HIV men was one of total shock. I had met a man and was with him for a year thought he was honest til I found his scripts for HIV meds and when I confronted him he denied he was infected go figure huh. I think the problem is men who are poz are afraid of losing that FUN lifestyle and disrespect there so called partners buy not telling the truth . Thanks John

  • I concur to how guys lie about their status sad to say. I am a mature Blk. man 52yrs. old and do not look my age people said thinking I am in my early forties sometime late 30′s I been told. I been Hiv Poz for 23yrs, on meds. and currently Undetectable status which means the meds are working keeping the virus at very low levels of the hiv virus, not cure. I been bless with good health care and luv and support of family and friends. The road hasn’t been easy over the years in my journey mentally , emotional, spritual,in life travels be a same gender loving man. I do not judge these guys like I use too whom lie for various reasons, rejection, denial, some self hatred. Being honest about their sexually Identity, it is not black and white as it may seem lots or grey area, like married Dl dudes, their jobs, ect. I have been down that road , by the things I mention in my comment. I do not expect when I inform neg. guys or even another poz person to be where I am mentally and my acceptance of self. Healing starts with you inside,courage,the truth doesn’t always feel good it like a two edge blade it will cut you deep, with time and care will you heal. Being Poz isn’t the death sentence as when I first found out in 1987. I will say truth always wins in my book. I been in a relationship as the years pass a few times. Some good an not, it life guys no pot of goal at the eend of the rainbow. Your lucky to encounter some real authentic peices of gold in your life. There other things to be concern about HPV , in anal, mouth, STD, so get check by your health care professional ask questions please guys. I suggest wear condoms at all times. If not than be honest with self about the risk, it’s your body and that sexy dude , it’s his be repectul if your poz or do not know get tested. We treat one another like trash wrapper in the garbage after eating the product from Mac. Donalds super size meal. Very sad but true out there in the Gay Communitiy. If your playing you more than likly had sex with a poz dude you neg. guys the built , muscle, ect. are not the face of yesterday Poz . guys of the 80’2 and 90′s . I grateful to be able to share my view to others . I post on a4a and dudes check me out but see poz AND KEEP GOING , SOMETIMES WILL BLOCK YOU IF YOU JUSTING SAY HELLO or if you do not look like the porn images of hot man. So you wonder why guys lie, rejection, expose, lie on,ect. Fickle gay men range from young to older . You rep what you sow, in like and you will not be young forever, or body beautiful. Time waits for no one. Plus guys are on multiple sites, and out in the scene, bars, clubs or crusing. So think about the lonley guys in side trying to fill a need it not about the person they are with there are alot of hurting people using sex to feel better in some form . The mass media has engulf us with images which are neg. really in my oppinion which we all have fallen prey too at some point in time. Getting to know ,good sound relationships built seems to be fading. DDrugs and alcohol,porn, lack of family values contribute to why the world of liars, deceet govens our community as well as the straignt world todays trade is tommorrows next gay dude in my oppinion if you have sex with the same sex . Bi-sexual , confuse or just liking both like I said no a black in white issue, many shades of grey areas. A4A thanks for letting the community to express ourselves, helping one another is important some people like myself had no one to help me in comming out ,and dealing with the real life issues . On at and most the baby boomer lie about age we are in out late forties and beyond now yes you hardly see posted over 49 yrs. or 42 and they are way more older…lol I wish a blog. about maturing men consiring all fazes of the process we are not old or dead…lol give it time we all will get there and that is a blessing in my oppinion .

  • First, and foremost, I am HIV+ snd I proclaim my DNA mutation out loud to Lovers, friends, and casuel partners alike. First Of all to those thinking they can be safe bare backing with neg boys, I say to you Wake up, there are those with self interests on both sides of this coin who will not give your health a thought or consideration, So where is your self respect when you throw caution to the wind. On the other side of the Coin bug chasering men seeking sexaul libration through HIV is although very different simualer with the love of bare backing, which I feel is a choice we all have to make with each of the lovers we take no matter how brief the affair. Both courte death in differing ways one blindly dates death thinking he is ok and the other seeks death with vigor. Both seem like they need to love thereselves and there brothers more, Understanding these two extremes is seeing is only a part of this stuggle to free ourselves of AIDS.

  • I m open about my stats because i dont like to be lied to but i dont want anyone else to think they are being lied to I enciourage others to be honest in their IM’s disclose ur status to a potentioal partner there if u cant put it on ur profile But if U want to put it on ur profile then do so its the right thing to do but if ur discreet about it and not out about it at least protect yourself and disclose ur status to anyone you wil be sexuall with plain and simple

  • Good topic, The thing about A4A thats is crazy to me is the profiles stating “Anything goes” & HIV- & the Ones that say safe sex only but when you hook up there is no mention of condoms.

  • The reality of it is that most negative men in our community have decided that the best way to avoid becoming infected is to avoid the infected. The problem with this method of prevention is that it is entirely ignorant.
    As a negative man who is attempting to remain negative, it would behoove Negs to learn how the disease works and is transmitted. I’m surprised by the number of people to whom I have to explain undetectable status or that condoms can help in risk reduction.
    HIV is spread by Poz guys who aren’t taking care of themselves or Poz guys who don’t realize that they are positive. In both cases, these are people who have viral loads; only those with viral loads are able to infect others because there must be at least 400 copies of the virus per drop of blood for it to transmit.
    Furthermore, HIV is manageable. The aspect that is difficult to brook is the stigma. HIV avoidance led to the outbreak in the 80s, and now the stigma is seeking to further alienate thoroughly powerful people from our communities for contracting a disease that would infect anyone that encountered.
    We have to take responsibility for or health in behavior as well as awareness.

  • This is funny, I prefer to have sex with out condoms. I will use if I am really feeling the guy and he will only do it that way. On my profile I don’t list anything regarding status since i really dont know! I mean I have gone and been tested and the results come back negative but I know there have been times I ended up with drippy dick yet the dr says Im fine so who really knows. Since most guys will lie regardless, I just assume everyone is tainted with something and then I will make my decision to fuck or not based on other factors.

    I sometimes will throw the having sex with out condoms in, if after a few messages back and forth I am not feeling the guy but don’t want to be the one to drop the conversation. So when they have safe only on their profile, I will let them know I only mess around bb, so if you want to play hit me back… to my surprise the same people with with “SAFE ONLY” seem to willing to try BB for the first time with me… so I just roll my eyes and wait for the next email which is usually “are you clean” or something along these lines. In situations like this, my response is “I sure hope so, so you down to fuck bb?” most will still say yes!

    About drugs… caffeine is a drug but I am sure thats not what they are talking about on the site. But you will be surprised at what people consider drugs and what they consider drug use to be.

  • I dont believe most people’s posting about being HIV- and it os almost a hypocritical question cause there are other diseases than HIV. The ones with “Anything Goes” “HIV negative” I simply shake my head at. And even when they post “Safe Sex Only” why is it that they meet me and wanna fuck raw?

  • I am on adam , and am newly poz. I have posted it , taken it off. gone back and forth . Ive decieded to leave it off because a lot of people on the site know me on a non sexual level and people talk. However, I am honest when someone asks me about it. Especially if they say they want bareback.. Part of me still thinks I’m lying if I leave my status blank.. IDK what to do sometimes but reading all of these post is helpful

  • The comments made here are very true and those of you who realize that there are all types of individuals on A4A with various fetishes and desires that don’t want to be ostrisized because of their HIV status will post false information. I’ve been HIV positive for 11 years and though I’ve been undetectable for 10.5 of those 11 years, I’m still not comfortable with broadcasting my status to the world or posting it in my profile. I will however divulge my status before I lay down with an individual and I will only engage in safe sex which is what I feel EVERYONE should be doing. Yes,I loved BB, but it’s just not practical in this day and age to engage in “unsafe sex or “anything goes” sex because like you all said, men lie. We all lie about something whether its out of necessity or simply as a means of survival and/or acceptance. Personally, I think HIV status should be removed from the profile because so many people do lie about it and as a result, so many people are led into a state of false security because someone checked the wrong box. It’s just too easy to do with so much at risk. Just be safe guys and conduct yourself in the manner that you would if you knew that EVERYONE was positive because potentially, they are.

  • It is interesting to know how many guys on here (Adam4Adam) are just not secure in who they really are. You would think that in a place of ALL gay men (Bi-sexual) included, that it would be easy for us to be honest with each other. We all either want to fuck a guy, want a guy to fuck us, or want to do something sexually with a guy, so why lie? Is it because as men, we put each other under a microscope? We are forced to believe that if one does not look a certain way, then he is inadequate, he does not meet the mark?
    At the end of the day, I am NOT saying that is ok for someone to lie especially when persons involved can really get hurt. But on the other hand, in a strange way, I can “understand” why guys do it…I may not agree, but I understand. It all goes back to the fact of us not accepting our’ fellow man for who they really are. I understand that we all have a preference, but I think a picture is painted as to what a “MAN” is or what they should look like. With that said, we some guys feel as if they have to lie just to fit in. The thing is, we ALL lie about something, and to say that you don’t, well that’s a lie within itself.
    I just admitted some feelings I have had for a very long time now; that I feel it is much easier to date women than to date or mess with men. Why we as men make things much more difficult than they really are just blows my mind. We say we want one thing when we know we want another and fault another guy for doing the same thing. We are so judgmental and hypocritical and at the end of the day, it encourages others to be untruthful to avoid being judged!

  • I’m with you Christopher. Most of these guys lie about their HIV status, and most don’t even consider Herpes and all the other STDs that are spread on a regular basis and can be just as deadly has HIV.

    The amount of BB requests are alarming and sad. These guys just are asking for ‘the gift’. The carelessness and too casual ideas of sex show how imature gay men are when it comes down to sex. And it also shows a kind of self-hate as well.

  • Guys can contract HIV via oral sex, anal sex(that goes for tops too) cum in the eye and if you’ve shaved in the last 3 days the skin on that part of you is open-it’s like the pink in your mouth eye ass and dick slit. So all those men who like for someone to cum on their face….

  • I am always up front with guys about my hiv status. Theres a guy i know that hosts group parties and says all the guys are neg but i know for a fact that he takes the men who go to his parties are never asked o to prove it. while i don’t put it in my profile i do show as ask me which should be a tip for guys that I am poz……i would never put someone at risk like the guy who gave me hiv…I am very lucky though i am now undetectable and very healthy and fit…..

  • For me, DDF UB2 is like being shot at with a gun. I’m gonna ask if you are shooting blanks when that gun is pointed at me. I am still gonna wear my bullet-proof vest, but I am not gonna let you even point it at me if you say it is lethal bullets.

  • I move back to Madison WI and updated my profile to my new HIV status, ever since I am being blocked by countless users, I don’t know anybody here, haven’t met anybody for sex or otherwise, cannot even dare to send a smile without the fear of being blocked, now about myself, I am 42 in decent shape Latino, so I don’t even bother looking at anyone younger than 35, I am just amazed of how many guys write in their profile hiv negative anything goes…I try contacting a couple of this guys and one when sicko on me asking that how dare me being positive was contacting him for… I was stunned, base on his profile the only assumption I can think is that this person is positive and just doesn’t want to posted…I don’t judge anybody but it is very sad to see how backward this people are here.

  • Well, after reading all of your comments regarding the subject of whether to have protected or unprotected sex, I would like to add my two cents. WE ARE ALL ADULTS here, supposedly responsible for our selves. There are so many guys out there stating that they are negative, when in fact they had unprotected sex last night and contacted the virus, and don’t even know it yet. If you contact HIV in this day and age you have no one to blame but yourself. With all the information available there should be absolutely no excuse for not getting it, and deciding for yourself. Unfortunately there are a lot of gay guys that run their life like a train wreck and expect that everything will be ok. For some it works, for others it’s a death sentence. Choose wisely my friends, because We are all living with AIDS.

  • In this time and age of sexual conduct everyone should read this page
    Most of the gay personals on A4A are from guys that claim to be DDF and say they are looking for the same. Of course, we all know that a lot of guys who claim to be negative have never been tested or have gone years without testing, all the while having unprotected sex with other guys that claim to be DDF. Some of these guys may be negative but have other STD’s without knowing it because they go years without testing. Meanwhile guys that are positive get their bloodwork done every 3-4 months on average, get tested for everything in the book, and if they are on anti-retroviral therapy in most cases have viral loads that are undetectable using ultra-sensitive 3rd generation tests. The impact of viral load on transmission risk is almost a taboo subject in the US, but researchers in Switzerland, a country that has been at the forefront of HIV research since the beginning have reached a consensus that people on anti-retroviral therapy with undetectable viral loads are sexually non-infectious as long as they have no other STDs. (Search on a story titled “Swiss experts say individuals with undetectable viral load and no STI cannot transmit HIV during sex ” on aidsmap dot com.) The decision on whom to have sex with and whether to have protected or unprotected sex is obviously a personal one, but it should be an informed decision. Having sex with positive guys that take care of themselves, own up to their status, get tested regularly and have undetectable viral loads is a safer bet that having sex with someone that claims to be DDF but never been tested or have gone months without testing and sleep around

  • View the Award winning documentary “House of Numbers” to see why questions about this must be raised, and why deeper issues about HIV and AIDS need to be
    discussed. Lives are at risk. This is the first documentary ,with the worlds
    foremost authorities, that highlights the fundamental problems with HIV
    testing, science, and statistics, It sheds new light on a misunderstood
    phenomenon., for which there is still no cure.
    GO to http://bit.ly/fhUxaJ – bit.ly/gogKLZ to see the trailer of “House of Numbers”.

  • I really hate the blame game that “negative” barebackers play when they learn their partner is positive. If you are afraid of contracting HIV what the hell are you barebacking for? I can’t believe the number of HIVphobes out there doing this! Wear a condom every time if it matters to you, and if you catch something barebacking, man up and take your lumps (meds). HIV and AIDS have been around for almost 30 years. We’re all adults and by now we should all know the risks! In the end, nobody is responsible for you BUT you…

  • PEOPLE, YOU ARE GOING TO DIE. Indulge yourself while you still can. Live in the moment for yourself. Don’t be an ASSHOLE. There can be love in a hookup. Believe! GO OUT AND FEEL IT FOR YOURSELF.

  • HIV is an important topic but it is important for gay men to realize that HIV is not the only thing out there. I am HIV-, but I am not “ddf”. I am stuck with STD’s for the rest of my life, making it difficult to “find someone”. I have NEVER had unprotected sex — yes, never — but condoms do not protect 100% from everything (though still great method of reducing risk). And yes I have neglected to tell partners. The vast majority of gay men have at least HPV, the majority of those don’t know it. This is a needed post because just proclaiming “DDF” doesn’t make it so. As noted in the post, people lie outright, people don’t know their own statuses, and people think that something so “gross” and stigmatized won’t happen to them.

  • This is a really shallow post. It is clear to most online that writing that basically manifests a lifestyle choice. I for one do not use drugs and always practice safe sex, and it is only natural that I would like to find people who do the same, for me. The fact that people lie about their status is a separate issue altogether, and almost all other STDs (with the exception of HIV and Herpes) are curable. Instead of writing an angry post about people manifesting a lifestyle choice and looking for people similar to that lifestyle choice, why is is it such a taboo to complain about people who lie about their HIV status even though they’re HIV positive? C’mon people get real.

  • it is funny, I know for a fact about one person that is HIV+ and also has Herpes, but in his profile he has that famous phrase D&D free. Another funny thing is that all escorts are all HIV negative but I have done a little experiment, I love to message escorts and tell them that I like it raw, and most of them agree to do it for a few more bucks above their usual rate. I use a blank profile that I have to do that. it just re-assures me that 90% of guys here lie about something, many of them about their HIV status, just to be safe treat everyone as if they have it, and cap it.

  • Sex is a very powerful thing, and the more attracted to a person we are the more risk we are willing to take to get what we want. A large number of individuals have not taken the time to educate themselves about HIV/AIDS. While those who are hiv+ feel there is a stigma attached and people would shun them if they are honest, there is still a moral obligation to tell the truth. Period!!!

  • I don’t think that very many realize that if they are HIV+ and don’t disclose it to a sex partner, they can be criminally charged if the person becomes infected.

  • Yep, it’s true. There are guys with profiles that say “HIV Neg, Safe sex only” and when it comes down to it, no one even mentions condoms! There are other things out there far more alarming than HIV… Next time, get your whole STD panel done. You’ll be surprised…

  • there one was a time when homosexuality was considered a disease
    As a long time Pozman ,,I thank you for your very well written and intelligent statement

  • What a fucked up bunch of people! Poz guys who lie, neg guys who take anyone at their word. And for what? A few hours or minutes of getting their rocks off? I remember when I met my partner. We both abstained from anything unsafe until we went and got tested together. There was commitment and trust. Sadly, the commitment and trust lasted but the relationship didn’t :~\
    A decade or so later I find myself HIV poz from a night 4 years ago: alcohol and stupidity were the main factors. I blame myself more than I blame the fellow who gave it to me. People are too quick to blame everyone else for their problems and mistakes. And I think this is a great topic to be discussing. It makes me laugh when I see someone write in their profile, “DDF and UB2″. I always think, “Oh well they’ll be singing the blues sooner or later.” Sad.

  • This issue is so important and I relate to all that has been said by everyone. I do not list my status on any gay site. Have done so and found that I was leaving myself open to discrimination. It was like wearing the Scarlet Letter!

    I always disclose whenever the conversation gets serious about having sex with someone. I was infected by someone that I totally trusted who said that they were negative. I was too naive to be having sex, obviously!

    Anyway, in a small community like where I live, it is not too wise to disclose online. I really don’t believe that it is anyone’s damn business anyway UNLESS sexual activity becomes a possibility. And then, most of the time, it ends once I have disclosed my status. Men are so damned afraid and often so damned immature that they can’t look at the person but only see the DISEASE. It’s a shame. POZ people are PEOPLE first and foremost. They are not the disease.

    Just saying.

  • What’s weird is when they say “Safe Sex Only” & HIV-, then text/email you about bareback sex, that really is odd. Also even those who say that they’re HIV-, but may not be aware that they are positive for syphillis, gonorrhea, clamydia, etc. & will “spread” that around. I was one that was deceived & got infected with syphillis. That was a “double-whammy” (because of my already being HIV+), so I had to be treated for another STD.

  • I’ve got to say this article really only touches on the basics of the issue, though im glad its brought up and discussed. I for one, as an HIV+ member of A4A find it difficult to meet people I am normally attracted to, though having hiv has helped me to realize just how ignorant and hurtful people can be, with their total disregard to others feelings and emotional status. This isnt one of those things that, “it does get better” vids help with. I seriously consider suicide multiple times throughout my day as I’ve lost all hope for ever feeling truly happy ever again. Perhaps this issue needs to be discussed further and more detailed, I just dont have the intellectual skills to change another persons mind when ignorance and ego come in to play.

  • I’m HIV+ and I have an A4A profile. I simply keep my status private(not listed). I try and let the person know before I meet them in person, or at least after the first meeting. But I will always tell before any sexual acts. In my opinion, its not something you let the world know.

  • I asked a supposedly “HIV-” top if he would fuck me BB if I wanted him to. He said “SURE” in caps… I told him no thanks I was just checking. WOW.

  • In response to Dsinla, I checked out the website http://bit.ly/fhUxaJ and found that it is no longer available. I did check out the Wikipedia review of “House of Numbers” http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/House_of_Numbers and found that the documentary is highly controversial and has been panned as a propaganda tool made by HIV denialists, who ignored or distorted the most reliable scientific findings in order to create the impression that the disease does not exist. If you’re really serious about finding out more about this, I suggest that you do not rely upon this documentary and instead do your own research on the subject to form your own conclusions objectively.

  • @BootyCallSD
    http://aidsmap.com/en/news/4E9D555B-18FB-4D56-B912-2C28AFCCD36B.asp

    Also, because of how consistently tested Poz guys with no viral load tend to be, they’re kinda safer than the UB2ers. But the biggest is that the UB2ers and DDFers aren’t reading this blog.

  • Here’s my question. Its a little off subject, but maybe – can get some answers… I know that so many years ago homosexuality was considered of itself, a disease. The surgeon general or whoever changed that in what, the 70s? Why is it that when you go to donate blood/plasma that they will not take blood from a “a man who has had sex with another man since 1977″?

  • well here’s a comment i have to make as a hiv+ individual. i surely didnt “chase” this disease, so whomever GAVE me hiv was more guilty by far. another thing, what really bothers me is i didnt come out till late in life, over 30 years of age in fact. but i see these 20yo twinks having hundreds of partners yet they dont seem to be concerned in the least about the disease. its awfully hard to try to meet someone and say “gee, i’m sorry i have this disease that may kill you if you have sex with me. wanna anyway?” well there you have it. why should i disclose this information freely when others obviously dont? why shouldnt i enjoy the “ride” these twinks seem to enjoy daily and i end up with no one? why do i have this disease when ive been with less than 10 men and these “sluts” have been with hundreds of men and dont have it? how fair is that? and one last thing. hiv doesnt kill anymore. its a managable disease. why isnt people required to say “i have diabetes, herpes, cold sores , anal warts, or any other disease ? you never hear anyone say “i have hepititis C ” or ” i have the clap” nope. those people are exluded from having to say a thing. its unfair. its not right that one mistaken encounter and i have this disease that makes me a leper in the gay community , yet countless others get to screw around and not have the stigma. i’m very mad about it. especially since thousands arent dying of this and diabetes is by far a worse disease to have , herpes is not even curable yet you dont see anyone having to be spit on socially by those things. i’m tired of having to disclose my status when thousands of others dont have to. thousands of others dont even ASK. hundreds dont even use condoms. yet i get to be a leper outcast unclean in the eyes of almost everyone i admit it to. when i can say “i have aids” and have it be looked at the same as herpes, maybe then i’d admit it more freely, and others would too! until then, this is the only site ive risked it on at all, to admit it. and thats because i made a promise to myself and everyone else should also, that if we could ALL admit to this disease and use proper precautions, it would be gone in ONE GENERATION! gone! COMPLETELY! but since there are no honest people in the world this disease will claim over 1,000,000 more people by the year 2020. if unchecked another 10,000,000 easily by 2040. no end in sight. because a few men didnt care what they had millions died. THATS the unfairness of it . that i have this disease at all for being with the first man i came out of the closet for? why the hell should i tell anyone anything if i have no chance for romance again because everyone assumes this disease kills you. it doesnt. ive seen and talked to people living 25 years with this. thats better than a construction workers chances of working 20 years without losing a limb. but i’m the leper because hiv+ is viewed as the “gay disease” and kills you if you have sex. well , i for one am starting to regret admitting my status to anyone. the one time i did my lover walked out on me to continue getting screwed by other men that WONT admit it. why should i ? tell me ? why should i tell anyone if no one else will? even if HALF say they have it while the other half dont. . . this disease will still be around a 100 years from now. because its easier to TREAT it and get the 14,000 dollars a month for the medication then it is to CURE it now. why should they even try to find a cure for us if they make THAT much profit from NOT curing but only treating it.

    thank you
    kantrax

  • We havent even mentioned the fact that its a felony not disclose to partners in most states. While I realize that generally this is unenforceable because the person lied to doesnt want a public show of his exposure, a few realize they have nothing to lose and occassionally there are prosecutions here in Florida. When it happens, its generally easier to prove when someone lists thier status as negative when they are poz..thier electronically signed and recorded profile is documented proof-
    Which is why I am always leary of anyone not listing thier status, if your tested neg then just say so, if you dont know, just say that to and let your potential partner decide for themselves the risk they will take. Ive heard all the excuses as to why someone doesnt list status. The bottom line is if its not listed, there is a reason- Its much easier to claim they disclosed in a undocumented conversation than to defend against a black and white lie in a profile.
    What amazes me is the number of married DL men who have a strategy of “oral only” sex and think this protects them. They go around sucking every pipe they can get thier lips around then balk at the idea of anal because its to “risky>” While I realize the risk is somewhat lower, HIV is spread through oral sex, as are many other diseases that are even less manageable than HIV. Its one thing to expose yourself, quite another to expose your unwitting wife as well.
    Back to status liars-this is somewhat of a pet peve for me, as I have been a victim of this myself. I was exposed several years ago by a guy who lied about his status in his profile and face to face prior and after sex. Fortunately, I insisted on a condom for anal, but did have oral without. Finally he admitted to his status after several people informed me. Several years and tests later I have dodged the bullet and remain neg.
    The bottom line is, trust no one and definitely assume everyone is poz. If we are going to play this hook up game with m2m sex, or any sex for that matter for all the bi guys out there- we must not try to kid ourselves about how truly dangerous it is. Contrary to the blogs claims, I see nothing wrong with claiming you are Drug and disease free if you truly are-this lets potential partners know you have at least given it a thought and opens the discussion. Its amazing the number of guys who list themselves as d&D free cannot tell you when and if they tested last, but rely soley on the fact that “they have had the same partner for 10 yers”. Right. Yet here you are wanting to step out on him/her with me….not to mention hes doing the same most likely.
    Condoms are not 100% safe-they break, they slip, ect ect. Therefore we must realize that safer sex is just that, safer, not safe. Oral only is not a “safe” alternative. And as much as some will hate to admit “monogamy” is limited in its effectiveness, as we can truly never know where a partner has been or is going. Im not trying to sound defeatest or bleak, but we have to wake up to idea that we are most likely going to be exposed at some point if we havent already. The ony real answer is to reduce that risk each and everytime you hook up or even have sex with a partner you think you know well, unless you are willing to trust that person with your life.
    Finally, for all you poz guys lying about your status and using the excuse of being avoided because of it…Aside from the criminal consequences, there is no amount of sex worth infecting someone over. Being poz is not a ticket to being selfish and reckless. I cannot think of anything more immature and selfish than a guy willing to knowingly infect another because they dont want to be “stigmatized>”
    I cannot see where the ability to hook up easier is worth the potential loss of a life/health and in some cases the lives of spouses or partners as well.
    Its time to wake up, protect ourselves, and start thinking of the consequences of our actions. The last thing the gay community needs right now is to give ammunition to those that vehemently push anti-gay rhetoric by having those among us that care no more for our own community than to knowingly spread HIV.

  • Yeah i love how men lie about their age and HIV statues its being an issue for yrs and yrs when you see that muscle head toned oh i exercise or this or that its usually ends up the guy is yes incredibly hot and you find your self taken by his muscularity but chances are yes he is infected , but then again you are not sure about them today or they are stuck up or what ever their issues are no way to know today what you get until the actual meeting!

  • its like this ,,,no ducky ,,no f–ky,,and be cautious,,even in other ways,,,just be honest,,,theres someone out there somewhere for everyone and of every status and nature,,,saying ,,oh its ok ,im poz too,great,,,but do u want there strains and complications as well,,,think??? rap it.

  • As a 46 year old male who never hooked up with anyone outside of A4A in the last several years it was very clear as to where I contracted HIV. Have been positive for almost 2 years, but healthy and non detectable. I do not blame anyone but myself, as it was my decision to play unsafe. As soon as I discovered my new status I changed it on my profile and amazingly now I get few or no hits. I truly can understand why so many do not disclose their status based on my experience, but I refuse to do to someone else what was done to me. The truth is, had I been attracted to whoever passed it to me, I still would have slept with them, but would have at least played safe. I guess my message would be to those who quickly move on once they see my status… You might want to consider that at least if you are with me you know I am being honest! Of course that all makes sense on paper, but it is much easier to assure yourself that all is better because some perfect stranger told you they were HIV-

  • Why do guys pur so much energy into posting their HIV test dates? I mean really men, the first time you have bareback sex, or suck a cock, the test results are basically null and void.
    Just like total TOPS who only show pictures of thier assholes LOL

  • It drives me up a wall when there is a distinction between HIV+ and other diseases. You do know that HIV, Herpes, Syphillis and all the other maladies out there all fall under the category of disease.

    If you want to categorize, then include cold, flu, mental illness, alcoholism, narcotics abuse, bipolar and all the other issues that seem to be prevelent in society as a whole.

    I am HIV+ and don’t hide the fact. If more were open about who there were, perhaps there would be less transmission of any disease, not just HIV.

  • Great article! Being responsible for yourself is the best thing a person can ever do! Only you can control yourself no one else.

  • I think that guys really miss out on some really Nice people. I am HIV Poz and have Hep C.I also smoke pot, to which I atribute to keeeping stress levels down and being a long term survivor (24 yrs). I would not be able to live with myself if I knew I had infected someone. Here on line people automaticly dis regard me because of what I put on my profile. I put the TRUTH out there and I feel discriminated against because They DONT know im an honest, thoughtfull, and passionate guy.

  • There are two things I have learned about A4A, and are as constant as the morning star. They are:

    1.) Everyone lies
    2.) No one is who they claim to be

    I take *every* profile with a grain of salt. And in some cases, a block of salt!!

  • I’m not sure putting this in your profile is a way to put off speaking about this topic. Im sure some people dont. I know I put it there because I am, and I want people to know that as well. I get tested and I am clean, I dont do drugs, I dont smoke, etc. Even if I see this, I ask. If I think there is a potential for a sexual connection at all, I cross reference everything. I log onto several different sites to see if the information matched (if Im able to find them on there). I’ll even check craigslist for pictures. Its important to talk about. Its important to share your status. No matter how you may have contracted HIV or anything else for that matter, don’t be ashamed. Be honest with yourself and everyone you come in contact with in which you plan on being intimate.

  • This is a great blog! Guys ask questions and just be safer! I tell my friends these things all the time! I’m glad someone just put it out there…

  • I for one am positive and I do not post my status because of my job. I have a professional job and work with a number of gay guys who are also members of A 4 A. While people claim to be understanding and polite I do not want a pitty party ( at work ) or have people shy away from me. I need to stay focused on my job and allow those who work with me to do the same. I always have safe sex and the person I have sex with will know before we have sex. I have more to fear from others then they do me ( in regards to catching something). In the end we are in control of our own bodies – if we have unsafe sex we are asking for something and we can not blame anyone but ourselves. Keep in mind, I have many friends who tested negative and later went and tested positive and did not have sex between the tests.

  • The DDF stuff is really kind of a stupid question to have to ask. If its a concern you wear a condom…end of story. Bottom line, if you have to ask…wear a condom

  • I am really glad to see this post here, finally someone is talking about this. Having recently moved to NYC from a predominantly Muslim country, I at first rejoiced at the chance of finally being sexually liberated. It was a short lived celebration as the reality of the peril ones health is constantly in, in a place like NYC is frightening. Especially if you are a gay man and just want to be able to enjoy making love to another man.

    A year ago, I fell madly in love with a beautiful, charming and I’d like to say intelligent (not so, as this story progresses), man. As with most men here, it seemed to me that dating for him was a bit of a game. Guys, I feel, always want to be chased and quickly lose interest if you seem too ‘keen’ or too ‘interested’. Anyway, all that aside, I got pretty attached and fooled myself in to believing that he felt the same. The sex was fantastic but I was unnerved by his thirst for unprotected sex. Oddly enough, being from a third world country, where the mere mention of the word HIV is enough stigma for people to be actually talking seriously about it, I never gave in to his demands. There were instances when the condom ripped (a risk you can’t do much about) or when he took it off without telling me. As much as the barebacking felt good, I knew it was not a good idea, warning him incessantly of the risk that we were putting each other in. After pressuring him to get tested, he came to me a week after getting his result to tell me that he tested positive for HIV. He admitted he was having unprotected sex with several men, a detail he conveniently forgot to mention or think about when he took his condom off while fucking me. I will never forget that moment, this may sound dramatic but I was heartbroken for him and fearful for myself. I had to get tested at the State Health Department in Corona, Queens, which is where they conduct free PCR Viral Loads to detect early acute HIV. I waited for two and a half weeks to get my result. It was the most nerve wrecking experience I’ve ever had. Although, having gone through it with the support of close friends, I know now that it’s not a death sentence but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t fearful of disease and that I’d take it in my stride if it ever happened to me.
    As for the lover boy, he scrammed the moment he found out I tested negative. This is after I had made it very clear to him that I wanted to stay by his side and not give up on what we had just because he had HIV. He obviously didn’t feel the same way and I now know that he didn’t want to give up his sexual freedom.
    I get tested once in every two months now, even if I haven’t engaged in sexual activity. Knowing what my status is my responsibility. I never want to have to lie about it or be lied to. Also, I am glad guys here are talking about HPV and other sexually transmitted diseases which can be just as scary as HIV. I am amazed about how lots of guys here are so casual about it. It’s not okay to not know and to not get tested. I agree, it is fucking scary but it can’t be as bad as putting others and yourself at risk.
    I also agree that you are the best judge when it comes to choosing sexual partners and the precautions to be taken are your responsibility. You can’t take people at face value over here and really, how hard is it to lie about your health status?
    It’s unfortunate, that something so intimate and pleasurable can sometimes come with so much baggage.
    I respect men that are positive who aren’t afraid or embarrassed to share their status. It is a courageous thing to do in this hard, cut throat, gay community (or lack thereof).

  • Can you please write a blog about using the words “clean” when describing HIV status?

    As you discuss here, most guys don’t really even think about what it means when they say “DDF, UB2″ and the same applies to the use of the word “clean.” People don’t seem to realize how incredibly insensitive and degrading that term is.

    Also, I’d like to see a blog that elaborates even more on personal responsibility and sex. I am a poz bottom into kinky bareback gangbang scenes, and some guys will tell me “If you weren’t poz, I would join the group in a heartbeat, it really turns me on and you’re so hot…but I’m just too scared and can’t risk having bareback sex with a poz guy.” What they are essentially telling me is that if I had TOLD them that I am neg (even though I am poz) they would have joined the group.

    There’s something wrong with that picture! They are telling me that if I was a dishonest person and lied about my status, they would have exposed themselves to the virus by agreeing to have bareback sex with me. Guys tell me this ALL THE TIME.

  • So many guys wonder why other guys lie about or omit their HIV status along with other STDs. When it comes to having sex, guys for the most part are thinking and making decisions with their dicks. Having been down both roads I have found that some women do the same with their pussies.
    Stigma and undoubtedly fear of rejection are the main reasons someone will lie or leave their status blank, lying by omission.
    People, the Gay community in particular, believe the most incredible mythological crap as to how you can get HIV. The gay community in general needs an education in how you CANNOT get HIV. Most are unaware that saliva is an instant death sentence to the virus. No you aren’t going to get it from kissing. Any micro cuts you may get from brushing or flossing are healed over well enough withing 60 mins so that there is no port of entry for the virus to invade the body. If you’re worried about fresh breath, swish mouthwash in your mouth for a min.
    I work with a P.A. who also works with my Dr. I have a close open, non-sexual of course, relationship with both. I have found it astonishing and saddening at just how ignorant and uninformed the Gay community is when it comes to something that is so prevalent in and is such a huge part of our community. So many make their decisions and judgments based on that ignorance. Educate yourselves people and get yourselves tested repeatedly. There is an eight to 12 week window period where you can test neg after contracting HIV before you seroconvert and test Poz. You can spread it during that period.
    Also keep in mind that one third (1/3) of those out in the world who are Poz don’t even have a clue that they are Poz.

  • What about the guys who sex you up and don’t disclose they are hiv positive? I have had that happen to me twice now in the past four years. It was oral sex performed on me but I found out both were fully aware of their hiv status and did not let me know. What about those guys, what should be done about them?

  • I LET GUYS KNOW UP FRONT THAT I’M POS BEACUSE THE DUDE I WAS WITH DIDNT LET ME KNOW BUT I ALSO HAVE SOME OF THE FAULT MYSELF SO I GOOD IN THAT DEPARTMENT. ALSO ALLOT GUYS DO LIE ABOUT BEING NEG BEACUSE THEY THINK THEY WANT GET A DATE GO FIGURE. MORE GUYS HIT ME UP FOR BEING HONEST ABOUT MINE THEN LIEING ABOUT IT. AND SOME WANT TO HAVE RAW SEX STILL WHICH MAKES ME THINK SOMETIMES. I HAVE ALWAYS PRACTICE SAFE SEX BUT HAVE MESS UP A FEW TIMES IN MY LIFE BUT THIS IS PART OF THE LIFE. NEVER IN MY LIFE HAD I HAD ANYTHING BUT THESE AND I PLAN TO KEEP IT THAT WAY.

  • How can you swear safe-sex/std-free if:::
    1- YOU’VE HAD ONE SEX PARTNER SINCE UR LAST TEST(it only takes 1)
    2- YOU’RE INTO 3SUM/GROUP SEX!!!(look at the number of risks you take each time you participate. Each one of thoes guys PLAY with others. You’re exposed to the std’s he has & the std’s his playmates has as well.)
    3-YOU WEAR CONDOMS,,AND FEEL NO NEED TO GET TESTED.(There are SEVERAL std’s that you can contract just from RECIEVING ‘head’. You dont have to fuck to contract,guy!!! There’s Herpes,gonorreah,chlamydia,nGu,hIv,hPv,syphillis,trich, and several more!! A HANDFULL of these is transmitted throught eating ass or sucking dick. But hell!!!,,,book u a SEX PARTY TODAY buddy!(sarcastically)

  • CR, you are a perfect example of what Jerry is talking about!

    You were at ZERO risk of contracting HIV from those people who gave you head. PERIOD. The fact you are so offended is demonstrative of your lack of education.

    Furthermore, you are every bit as responsible for taking precaution as HIV+ men are for being upfront. YOU are ultimately responsible for your health and well-being, not I or anyone else. If you are worried about being exposed to HIV from getting head (which is silly), then perhaps you shouldn’t be getting head from people you don’t know very well. Even then, just because you know them and trust them doesn’t mean that they would tell you that they are poz, if they even know they are poz. Either way, it all comes down to the choices you make.

  • OH!!! not to even mention,,,,,CONDOMS BREAK!–another reason to GET TESTED.

    When you DON’T know,,,you care LESS.
    When you DO know,,it gives you MORE TO PROTECT!

  • Hey Guys just to let you know the comment D&D free doesnt always mean you are Im HIV+ And when I found out they told me that I contracted it a year prior to being diagnosed,,, Now keep in mind I was tested every three mos and was negative up till the time I was diagnosed so just because your HIV- now doesnt mean that 6 mos or a year down the road you wont be Poz becuase of something you done today or just once recently.

  • My opinion: Being HIV poz is simply what it is. It is best to be honest upfront other wise you are not letting others make informed decisions about what level of risk they wish to take with their sexual health. I am not a legal expert on such matters but what if at some day that would become a legal concern? Practice safe sex. If you do not, you should not be judged by others -but you should state your status in your profile. Disclosing status in your profile helps in another way: You may be able to give support to someone who is dealing with HIV/AIDS who is just having to confront the issue in their own lives. So one could say it is a matter of ethics, and a matter of benefiting those who could learn from you!

  • As a follow up to several comments above about the legal aspect of disclosing HIV status. In Florida it is illegal for an HIV+ person to have sex without disclosing period. You can be prosecuted even if you used a condom and even if the other person was not infected. Look up Darren Chiacchia (an Olympic equestrian) on the internet and you will see that he is facing up to 25 years in prison for not disclosing to a former boyfriend. Florida’s law is not unique as most states passed similar laws in the early 90′s in order to receive Ryan White AIDS funds. With this in mind, documenting HIV+ status in an A4A profile could save you down the road from false claims that you did not disclose.

  • If you have a sense of self and personal responsibility, then you should know your status, and take the time to get tested regularly. I see no issue with stating what you want when it comes to HIV status (“HIV neg, DD Free, UB2″). There are too many liars and irrespobsible guys out there in cyberspace, so managing the expectation of what you are looking for from the beginning is not an issue, as far as I am concerned.

  • I personally am out about my status but know that most guys are not. The irony is, I don’t blame them one bit the way other gay men act towards me sometimes. If you men out there want honesty, then learn how to be respectful to those who are (honest) and also realize that you can have a perfectly safe encounter with someone that happens to be HIV positive.

    My challenge to A4A? Be the first site to add a profile option like a.) I would date a poz guy. b.) I would not date a poz guy c.) I might date a poz guy. Or keep it simple and make this a required profile answer:
    “I am poz friendly” or “I am not poz friendly”! This would encourage honesty by letting men know who might be open to their situation and who may treat them badly. How could you go wrong by encouraging more honesty on both sides!?

  • All I’m saying is the only thing that could prevent the “LIES” from happening is just have safe sex & b honest w/ the person U decide 2 deal w/. & of course it doesn’t hurt to GET TESTED every 3-6 months for all diseases!

  • I’m very glad to see a post like this here. I don’ t know how necessary it is to have HIV negative or HIV positive on your profile, but strongly feel it’s important that men be honest about their status before having a sexual encounter with someone as well as asking someone their status before hand. As far as STD’s, I feel a large portion of our community is ignorant of STD’s, symptoms and testing. Some people will put STD free simply because they do not exhibit any symptoms or get tested for one thing in one place and think they are STD free. That’s hardly the case. Just because you don’t have Chlamydia on your penis, doesn’t mean it’s not present in your throat from giving head to someone who’s infected or a carrier. Most don’t know differences between specific STD test and cultures from blood tests testing for STD’s. I agree with those that say there is no such thing as safe sex, just safer sex. I think the best protection is using your brain and educating yourself. After all, as someone commented earlier, your only as negative as your last test (not your last partner or encounter).

  • What do you guys think or feel about guys who leave the “status” portion blank? What if people are just online looking for conversation or a friend, do you think it’s important for them to list thier status in this case? I think as two adults the conversation can or should come up after becoming friends or chatting for awhile. I have found that most guys do not list their status but they end up mentioning it after the fact. When it comes to “hookin up” than yes definately the “status” conversation should be discussed first and foremost!

  • It doesn’t take much common sense to understand when a profile is asking for the most extreme sexual situations, and we’ve read it all in here, chances are they are not D&D free as they indicate. Also, folks don’t “read” the profile. Ive been asked many times of my status, when Positive in my profile couldnt be more clear. I like what I read in this blog “assume everyone is poz, and proceed with your comfort level. Have fun guys

  • Practice “safer” sex each and every time. Test regularly and most of all…HAVE FUN!

  • Dating sites are nothing but lies, very few guys tell the truth. Sadly it is very difficult to meet an honest guy here. Even if you do, they are always lying. No honesty what so ever

  • ANYONE—-who would believe someone’s status just because of a posting is verrrry naive. There are a lot of A4A whores…I know a few. They meet a lot of guys from this site…often times even when they aren’t even what you would consider “attractive”. I often wonder what the attraction is?? Well, I have come to know that if you are willing to have sex..at the drop of a dime…then you get dates! The internet has become what outdoor, park type cruisin’ used to be. Random meetings…often unsafe…and dangerous because of the “circles of disease” that develop. Its almost 2011…I for one, would like to live throughout this next decade, healthy…and not strung out about finding sex.

  • Let’s put the blame where it needs to go, we believe what we want to believe, we know what the risks are when having a sexual encounter. It’s not about trust its about self awareness and sexual responsibility, oral or intercourse. A test date posted on a profile is a joke to those who believe it and those who post it. It is simple you want to be diseases free use a condom every time. If you don’t use one for whatever reason then the responsibility of what can happen falls completely on you, even if your partner told you he was clean.

  • “my life is the result of the choices I make”

  • WTF is right.. I have sent smiles to some guys on here and yes even other sites, screen name makes it obvious that I am positive. But some guys don’t even acknowlege the smile or msg when they see hiv+ in profile. Get real guys, just because I send a smile or msg doesn’t mean that I want to jump your bones… I was diagnosted in 1986, happy and healthy, t-cells over 600, non-detectable viral load. Not looking for pity/don’t need it, friends would be great..

  • People have been lying on A4A since I first signed on. I have deleted my profile countless times because I have been lied to only like – all the time – but as many times as I’ve been deleting my profile I keep on coming back hoping I will meet that real “Adam” of mine. But liars is not the only problem. Don’t be a judgmental dick and have some manners as well. We should all abide by some kind of dating etiquette… something that is so much needed yet many of us are lacking it.

    Anyway, my advice is:

    1. Age – always add at least 5 years to all guys posting their ad. They like to keep real age a secret (with some small exceptions).
    2. HIV – assume everyone is positive. That’s the safest way.
    3. If someone has in his profile “Anything goes” yet has his HIV status as negative – it’s a lie.
    4. If you decide to hook up and you have unprotected sex even though you state in your profile “safe sex only” – don’t blame the other party if you catch a STD. Also, do yourself and anyone on here a favor and don’t ask about your partner HIV status AFTER you just had bare back sex. It’s just plain stupid! If you really are concerned about not getting infected ask PRIOR to sexual activity.
    5. People lie about HIV because they are scared of rejection, being judged, and so on.

    Let’s stop complaining about others! Start being truthful to yourself first and always stick to your convictions. And lastly but not least important: MEET PEOPLE HERE ON YOUR OWN RISK. That’s what life is all about. We risk every day crossing a street, why dating should be different?

  • Jason…..you are dreaming if you think banning bareback ads from A4A will make the site more “Socially Responsible” doing so will only drive those that do, to eliminate the reference from their profiles in order to stay on the site as well as make them more likely to hide their HIV status. Personally I feel the selection “Anything Goes” gives more people the “Heads Up” (no Pun intended) that there is a very likely chance that HIV or other infections may be present. Anyone who BareBacks should automatically assume they or their sexual partner have HIV or other STDs . Risky sexual behavior is not likely to be curtailed just by eliminating the reference from a profile. These people are likely to engage in these practices regardless of a sites prohibition for the reference. The more that is posted the more that is known, thus making the choice of your partner a little more informed. But yes people lie, I have experienced it myself. So preventing BareBack ads would ultimately change nothing. Be informed and choose wisely. Above all, take responsibility for your own actions, ultimately you are the one responsible for your own health.

  • I am also positive, and live in a city on the border with a MASSIVE HIV rate. Because of machismo and catholic stigma against homosexuality prevents most of the “gay” population here from ever testing or learning safer sex practices. I was a poster child for safer sex most of my life, and got infected from a broken condom. Not really important, but I didn’t take the time to ask direct questions prior to dating my ex-boyfriend. The broken condom episode should have been a huge warning flag for me. He panicked and started acting really odd as soon as her realized it, and I, in my naive state at the time, assumed he was worried that I wasn’t STD free. I considered myself fairly well educated at the time, having dated a + guy several years earlier, and having a gay family member who has been positive for nearly 25 years, but in the situation, it never occurred to me that he was panicking because he HADN’T disclosed. It’s possible that I could have done prophylaxis and not sero-converted, but I was too busy worrying that HE was worried to even think about myself. An estimate from the local health services here are that nearly 50% of the msm population they test have positive HIV results. Comparatively, online, fewer than 2% of the profile list EITHER positive or leave that portion blank. Mine IS blank after the harassment and negativity I’ve received in the past, but I DO disclose, early and honestly before any intimate contact (including kissing) takes place. I have to sigh in dismay and disgust (sounds very princess like I suppose)when I see DDF, HIV- UB2 and the like in profiles, much less hiv- status posted for guys who I know for a fact ARE positive. Granted, they get a hell of a lot more dates than I do, so maybe they’ve got it right and I am just sitting too high up on the proverbial moral soap box. In any case. Same advice as already given by several people. a listing of hiv-, DDF, bug-free, clean-only, and the life are FAR from green lights for unsafe-sex. I DO assume that every guy I meet might be positive or have other STD’s, and take appropriate levels of precautions. Does it mean I use a condom for oral? No… My doctor would disagree with me there, but I CHOOSE that risk. Does it mean I EVER get fucked without protection? HELL NO! Same for topping… Amazing how many guys WANT bareback sex even without broaching the topic of STD’s. I think the gay gene is cross-bred with the stupid-gene in some men!

  • My doctor says easily 80% of gay men in US urban areas carry HPV. If:
    [1]most of us carry HPV,
    [2]transmission can take place even with condom use, and
    [3] there is not test for detecting the presence of HPV,
    then how can ANYONE claim to be DDF? It’s insane…

  • I am ALWAYS amazed at how many “NEG” guys hit me up. My profile is a bit DIRECT and to the point. Been HIV POZ almost 15 years and Accept my status as part of me, but DON’T let it control me. Not only do i list myself as POZ in the profile… it is usually either in the HEADLINE or the FIRST part of the Ad — though not everyone reads.

    The most AMAZING part of the whole “NEG.. U B 2″ scene — there is NO SUCH THING. Either you are a VIRGIN, Untested or POZ. There is no NEGATIVE test. It is a Test for the HIV Anti-body. If they detect it, then you are considered HIV Positive. If they Don’t detect it… they Don’t detect it. period. It could still show up 6 months or a year later.. without having another sexual encounter in that year. Then again, most guys on this site are out sucking or fucking every week. love the guys who claim to only be here for “Chat/friends” and not looking to play. Why do you think the profile ask not just HIV status.. and SAFE SEX ONLY or ANYTHING GOES. It asks cock size, cut or uncut and so many personal questions that really would not matter if “Just friends”.

    The ONLY way to combat the problem, is to get rid of the SHAME some guys feel about their status… but there are still so many people out there that are afraid to admit they are Gay. Straight acting… Please. Or bi-sexual and have a wife or girlfriend. Think about her or other sexual partners the next time your Dick gets hard and you are looking for a Fuck online.

  • Wow the subject of HIV and wether a person should disclose his status about being HIV+. In my own personal opinion I believe each person has the right to choose wether he/she wished to disclose his status or not. It is up to us as individuals to practice safe sex so that we don’t contract it or give it to somebody else.

    What I don’t like though is when a person blaintently posted his/her status as being HIV- when in actuality they HIV+.

    The key to stopping HIV from spreading is education and safe sex. And just maybe one day researchers will find a cure for this disease.

  • These accusations are ridiculous, “most” of these guys are lying? Those of us who don’t have unprotected sex and test negative regularly “don’t actually know” because we could have just happened to contract it too recently? Nope, doesn’t sound like fear tactics at all…

  • Not posting your hiv status on your profile does not make you a coward or a liar.
    I removed my status because I got fed up with cold hearted compassionless little bastards that like to search people out by poz status and then send hate mail saying things like “why don’t just shoot yourself and get it overwith…”
    I’m not at all affraid of confronting these m….f….s but this not what I go to this site to do.
    Instead of sticking your nose in everyones buisiness because your paranoid about any thing that may but you at risk….
    Quit gossiping, grow up and take personal responsibility to protect yourself!
    You can’t blame anyone but yourself for risks that you take.
    Nor do you have the right to persecute other consenting adults that choose to take risks you believe to be unacceptable.
    Freedom of personal choice is a right that is contingent upon allowing our fellow man the same freedom…
    So dont get to eager to jump on “the safety bandwagon”

  • My sentiments exactly. Always protect yourself!

  • I also feel HIV should not be the only topic of discussion when most of the other STDs can be fatal. However, I am poz and only just found out a few months ago. I don’t list my status either way but at the same time, I’m not here looking for sex so I don’t feel it matters. If I can’t even talk to someone because of my status, what kind of person are you? The masses live in uninformed fear and thus cast down judgement on those of us that are. I know this is viewed mainly as a “hook-up” site, but what’s wrong with making friends? It’s a very tough road when you are seen as an abomination. I’ve been rather fortunate to not encounter many negative situations concerning this in the six months since I was diagnosed. Yet I live everyday in fear of that moment and not my health. HIV aside, I feel I’m healthier now than I’ve ever been. Only on meds for 3 months and already undetectable. When I was neg i never treated anyone differently based on their status. I even dated a poz guy for a while. I just took the time to research the disease and not let myself act foolishly. It was actually HIM that freaked out on ME over his status asking “How can you/anyone love me? I’m poz…” It was a real eye opener for me. Which is what this whole ramble has been about. Honestly can be a frightening thing for some. This is the only thing in my life I am not 100% up front about. I’m getting there though. If someone does show interest sexually though and I am also interested, I respectfully inform them of the situation. I’m not hiding OR lying…just not yet ready to shout it to the world.

  • First of all, I praise A4A for this blog and hope those who should read it actually read it. I am also thankful for all who have shared on this blog to inform others of what really is actually going on within our community and on A4A itself.

    Secondly, being an Hiv + , I do not feel I should have to stigmatize myself in an already shallow community by posting my status on A4A. I have the responsibility to inform any person I choose to be intimate with of my status and not until then. My sexual partner also has the responsibility to not only choose for themselves but also be informed. At sometime, personal responsibility has to come first. For those who say I should post that I am poz online that I am HIV POZ I ask them should I have it tattooed on my forehead or have a POZ label stitched into all my clothes as well? I choose to leave my status blank on my profile and always tell a person I am interested before I even meet them that I am poz so they are informed and I am not hurt. I have to say once I tell them I am poz they usually turn me down. This is what I have to live with but I feel good that I gave them the choice I never got.
    That being said. To those who put Hiv Negative in their profiles who are and know they are positive are not only morally wrong but dangerously criminal. I know for a fact a lot of guys in my town who put HIV Negative in their profile and when I tell them I am poz, they say its cool, so am I. This happens more times than I can count. If you put Hiv Negative in your profile and you know your poz, what else will you try to get away with? Leaving your status blank protect you from discrimination which is rampant on these sites and gives your the freedom to inform when you feel comfortable to inform your partner.

    To those who put SAFE SEX ONLY, D/D FREE UB2, HIV NEGATIVE ANYTHING GOES and those who Post their last test date as being Negative. I say FOOLS… As it has been stated on here by numerous posters of these people some how living in a fantasy world of safeness and cautiousness only to ask their potential partner to bare back or not even use a condom. HOW STUPID CAN YOU BE? I can attest to guys on here saying these such things and wanting to Top me without a condom. I have been told by negative friends who have been approached by these so called safety boys to bare back them.
    Now to my fellow Poz guys. There is love out there for you. Just because your poz does not mean you need to settle, however you need to pass the life before and realize your own limitations and how you have been discriminated. The very thought that because someone is not hot and does not turn you on is no excuse to whine and cry that you cannot find someone and cant get love. You are doing the same thing you accuse others of doing to you. Dont waste your life whining and crying because you cant find anyone when you have passed up some really wonderful poz guys because they didn’t fit into your narrow view of what is hot and worthy of your love. You do this and you will spend the rest of your life alone. There are so many loving and sweet poz guys out there who can change your life in such a way you have never imagined if you would just wake up and choose happiness,companionship. Lets face it, we all get older, looks fade but I ask you, why waste your life whining and crying because you cant have your pretty boy and find mediocre and find love you never could imagine. Too many poz guys cant look in the mirror and ask themselves why should anyone love me. Its not all about sex men. Sex got us here, now its time for love and acceptance and peace and happiness. Reach out and love another poz guy and find the true meaning of gay relationships and completeness that is out there for you.
    Put the gay attitude aside and be happy. There is great love and great sex out there if you just give yourself a chance.

  • What’s even funnier are the profiles that say “anything goes”, yet the HIV status is “don’t know”. It’s pretty self explanatory if you ask me.

  • I’m glad you guys brought that up. I’ve constantly read these profiles and seeing “ddf, hiv-” and so on. Or even the worst one “dont hit me up if post says hiv+”. HOW STUPID IS THAT. So if I post im poz you dont hit me up but if i post im neg then you hit me back. Funny thing is they think and act like that. I did my own ‘unofficial’ investigation. My best friend is posistive and on his profile stated he is negative. And he has slept with a lot of men unprotected and have contracted every other STI (no longer STD in the health community). Of course he goes out and get tested and antibiotics but he still has HIV.
    So I crreated a profile stating I was HIV+ and hit some of the same people he has been having sex with,at times unprotected and at times while he was carrying other STI(sexually transmitted infections). I know because he keeps a book of them. It was mind boggling that once people see i was “HIV+” on the profile they would not want to be bother with me. And at the same time I would have my best friend send them a message and try to hook up and they would link with him. Why, because his profile say he is HIV-. So now you get my point. I dont blame the HIV+ guys for not displaying their status. Look how hard the gay community look down upon them. So if your own group would look down at you with such stigma, why would you at ease and open with them. And now im seeing some down hateful profiles with words like “disease invested homos need not apply” or “if you positive you not for me”.Funny thing is some of the people who have those on their profile are themselves positive and they do that to attract neg boys who have wrong them one way or another. Like the latter was not that bad, question is do you really know the person you are fucking is negative just because of the profile. I think we have a lot of growing up to do in the gay community with the sickness and how we treat others. Guys think they are 100% safe from STI but they are not. You can still catch gonorrhea or Chlamydia etc from oral sex. Im sure like 99% of us dont use condoms for oral sex. The point is we are all responsible for ourselves, we should not be depending on someone to be honest with us and take their words. It start with us. And one thing I can say which is the same thing that I do. Everyone is negative to me in my mind but the moment we are going to engate in sexual activity, then you are automatically positive and will be putting on a rubber. Just assume everone is positive when it comes to sex, thats the whole point of the condom. Obviously you dont trust the person telling you they are negative because if you trusted them you wouldnt have put on the condom. So why is it it different when the person comes out and say that they are positive, now you dont want to mess with them. Grow up.

  • I see a lot pf HIV+ guys saying. “Well no one hooks up with me if I say I am HIV+”. I hate to tell you, it is not OK to be HIV+ esp. if you are newly infected..this is not 1981 you did know how it was spread and you are responsible for yourself no one else is. It IS a deadly disease still and don’t let anyone tell you different. People who are HIV- usually do not want to have sex with someone who is HIV+ because we don’t want it and a condom is not security enough.

    If we have sex with an HIV- guy who might have newly become HIV+ that is why we use the condom all the time. If the condom breaks with a guy who is a known HIV+ then that is a definite risk. If we are with a guy who believes himself to be HIV- and the condom breaks it is a maybe risk because he very well could be HIV-. People rather take the maybe risk than a definite rick if that condom breaks.

    It is not OK to have bareback sex. It is not safe to be the top. It is not OK to spread HIV around. It is a complete lie that it doesn’t kill anymore and that it is like having diabetes. It does kill still and the meds have awful long term side effect. You all keep eating up that feel good propaganda, that its ok to be HIV and you won’t die anymore…its BS and a very dangerous message.

    If gay men would man up and stop their whining and lying HIV, numbers of infections will drop. If you are HIV+ you better say it plain and simple. I am so sick of “my hurt feelings” tough. Don’t even get me started on Gift Givers and Bug Chasers. You are spreading a deadly disease on purpose. It is not hot, you should all be shot for being a disgusting pig.

  • So this is funny to me, but when people say they have been positive (for example) 5 years and have a undetectectable load, does that mean if they were to go get tested at say nmasor somewhere anonymous, then even though they are positive they will test negative cuz they have a undetectable load ?? Thanks!
    Any help with confusion appreciated

  • I find it interesting that in this post about staying free of STD’s, condoms are considered an optional. As soon as you have unprotected anal sex, you are definitely “dont know” for HIV, as well as other STI’s.’

    The “best” answer I got from a guy who said he was “STD free” and hadnt had an STD check on over a year was “you can just tell when you have something”.

    Education (thanks for the blog post!) and Condoms beat Disclosure and Assumptions, Every Time.

  • The biggest issue today in the community and there scared to look in the mirror face forward. Thats Y there ass is plastered all over the file. whats lost is self respect and respect for others, honesty and patience. It takes time too know a person, not a couple of messages. If any of these clowns got a clue to real life issues and had a blink of a heart things would be different. In todays world, specially in the life. posting your personal info can come to alot of identity theft…been there… I know first hand. With all the Balls and the way there run these lames will take your personal info and walk for points all in the name of wishing for a trophy. If they got a life a job a real personality, they could and would not be so trief. Most cant hold a adult convo 2 save there own life much less yours. Learn to lead not follow…

  • The Gay Community…SAD

    I love sex, but is it really that serious? There were too many posts for me to read them all but I think rejection also plays a big part in this epidemic. Gay men are so shallow. Everyone or most are looking for that “perfect” Ken doll. People work out and post their pics from the gym right onto the site. Why? It increases there chance of a hookup with that “HOT” guy who will only approve IF you pass his observation test, yet he may be infected and not know. SAD. Anyone can have it. I am disease free. I’ve been fortunate to have two LTR in my time with faithful men (at least from what I know) and haven’t contracted anything.

    Some people contract it from loved ones. Some contract it from people who are only out there to infect others because someone lied to them. Then there are people who are infected that are honest about their status. If someone doesn’t want to hook up with you because you are POS, get over it, it’s their preference. SAD but its a part of life. Men don’t think. Period. We know what risks are out there, but you know what, they’re still online right now, looking for “right now” LOL Will we ever wake up? NO!!! SAD

  • well..MY take on the whole things is this: “DD Free & UB2″ are 2 of my BIGGEST turn off’s & peeves!! 1) You’re as “D” free as the last person you fucked…or fucked you. As for the other “D”…what i do on my own time before and/or after i may or may not have hooked up you is none of your damn business. We all have choices and if you choose not to partake of any particular substance, that’s fine…but don’t judge me because i may have a different outlook.
    2) As for the “UB2′s”…Do you people actually believe what somebody tells you on line when they’re tryin’ to get laid?!! If you like somebody, take them for who they are…NOT who you think they SHOULD be in YOUR misguided & narrow minded opinion!

  • Perhaps it’s time for the people at Adam4Adam to consider a revision of their profile format. Although intended to provide useful information about the individual, it actually enables (facilitates? promotes?) content that may be deliberately untruthful or uninformed, misinformed, or just ignorant. In any case, it seems like the Q&A format works contrary to its intention. The results of any HIV test are only as valid as the number of contacts that person has had since his test was conducted. (Guys who state something like “Tested negative as of 22 Nov. 2010″ don’t know how idiotic and futile that sounds.) In all, A4A’s format doesn’t thoroughly serve as a helpful or reliable indicator of any member’s true HIV/STD status (with rare exceptions). As for that obnoxious word “clean,” anybody who showers daily is probably clean. It has nothing to do with his sero status.
    Any change in A4A’s “HIV Info” format should aim at promoting a more comfortable environment for an honest exchange of meaningful information re. HIV and/or STD’s.

  • It is laughable and borders on insanity when guys write “I bareback, DDF – you be too.”
    I am poz and have my status marked as such. typically guys never bother to read the details of a profile. I always reiturate my POZ status and am shocked by the number of men who have NEG as their status who email me saying “it’s cool, i’m poz too.”
    Everybody is barebacking, it’s the “in” trend apparently. I asked a neg guy who wanted me to nail him raw if he was worried about becoming poz, his response was “Not really, there’s a pill for everything.”
    I feel incredible disgust towards other poz men who say they are neg and encourage unsafe sex with other men. There is a right to know & make educated decisions that many disregard for the sake of their own entertainment sadly.
    As a poz man, i feel it’s my responsibility to make sure NEG men are aware and then to play very safely with men who want to fool around. That being said, there is a lot of HOT very satisfying sex neg & poz guys can have together, but it is a right to know beforehand.
    There are too many men (in my area) who are infecting others without any humanity or hesitation. I’d rather be honest & alone than lie and hurt people.

  • Tom, interesting, but Adam4Adam is not going to hold the hand of every users on the site! Keep in mind we are doing our best to help you guys…but at the end, you are adults, so you need to speak and ask the questions you want to know to the people you meet, and there will be liars and honest people. Blaming Adam4Adam for this or for that won’t fix anything. You are responsible for everything you say or not on our site !
    Dave

  • It is sad to say even with medical advancements there are still stigmas with persons living with HIV. The worst thing is that hook-up sites such as this one makes HIV to be a bad thing or STD.

    Having HIV/AIDS does not make a person bad or gross. It only means:

    1. That you lost interest in yourself and did risky things in the process
    2. You trusted someone so much you fell for them
    3. Your partner been sleeping around on you and now you are HIV+
    4. Everyone else has it, so what the hell…
    5. Condoms irritate you, etc

    Regardless of how you contracted it, be thankful. Find joy, happiness, and so on. That’s what will keep you healthy. Follow your regimen provided for you by your medical provider(s). Learn to meditate and learn metaphysical principles for health.

    People work in HIV centers and provide others with fake papers with their fake status all the time. Yes, this happens all the time. If you had raw sex with me, you’ve just been exposed to 10 other people I had raw sex with as well. Remember: I like you; I will lie to have you. HIV is not the only uncured disease around. Except it! You are what you attract. When you play in darkness eventually your eyes will not be able to see what’s always before you.

  • I would just like to comment on all the hearsay and hoopla on the issue of disclosure and the need to be honest. I am Neg , however was exposed to Syphillis as I discovered in a recent FULL STD Panel. I got a shot and I’m good to go. Most guys fear that they will be branded and alienated, but I go into every encounter expecting ALL to be HIV positive. Knowing what to look for other STDs , like HPV, Herpes, Syphillis etc can help you ward off the liars and such. Most of the HIV non dectable men are honest enough to man up and let u know. I respect that and if I’m attracted enough I will proceed with caution, but I dont let it limit my desires. The more we know about STD’s the better off we all are. Wrap it up REGARDLESS because although your last result was negative it may mean that the virus was non active at the time . Stop bashing eachother, and STOP sleeping with EVERYBODY that u think is hot WITHOUT knowing or even ASKING the proverbial ? ” Are you …” I trick guys into telling me by saying, hey if you are just let me know so I can protect myself and YOU from Jail and they usually come clean. Grow up and live a little ! WOW! And get TESTED for Everything at least once a quarter if you are active! Dont be stupid!!!!!!

  • Jason: Do you actually believe that some people at A4A really do get off on the idea of poz guys pozzing others? That idea borders on paranoia, lunacy and idiocy at best. Do you also think that A4A secretly owns huge blocks of stock in the major pharmaceutical companies out there, that they are raking in huge profits from the sale of HIV meds?
    Give us all a break and keep remarks like that to yourself.
    A4A is a hook up site, they’re providing us all with a free service to meet other guys without charging for features that most other sites make you pay up the ass for.
    If you don’t like to BB then ignore those ads and pay no attention to the profiles of those who do prefer to BB, wear a condom when you have anal sex. Be responsible for your own actions, your own health and safety, use a condom when you give and get head (even though that won’t make any difference). Just don’t put part of the blame for new cases of HIV on the backs of A4A. Do you also think that people at G.com or CL get off on the idea of neggies becoming poz? Insane. We’re adults and we all made the choice to use this site. Hell at least A4A giving us a public forum where we can discuss the problem.
    If we all would educate ourselves on how we CAN and CAN’T get HIV and practiced what we know to be safe sex practices we would understand how hard it actually is to get the virus.

  • Some of what you guys wrate scares the hell out of me and it makes me not want to have sex over this or any website. You cant trust anyone, you just never know :(

  • Guys feel they don’t need to tell the whole truth about anything..especially if all they want is a quick nut. After all this is not e-harmony where you are likely to find your soul mate and be happily married. I have taken each profile with a grain of salt. The best line of defense against ANYONE on ANY dating/hookup site is to protect yourself and always assume the person you are with is NOT D&D free or HIV/STD free. If you are not looking for sex on the first encounter say so. And if you are then state clearly what your safeguards are. EG: No bareback, Safe Only, etc.

  • I assume that every guy on here in Poz unless we both went together to be tested, For those guys how put in their profiles that they are NEG when the know they are POZ not only is it the most selfish thing one could do, it’s also CRIMINAL in most states to lie about your status and have sex with another.

  • The bottom line is this: you hook-up here your playing Russian Roulette! You have to take care of yourself. I treat all men here as liars until the prove me wrong. So far I have been proven wrong by only a few.

  • In this day and age, why would one assume a person is honest about their health status? It is the responsibility of each of us to become accountable for our own well-being. The pay off will be greater. I am HIV positive and honest about it. It may be due to I work in the HIV prevention and education area. Let’s be accountable for ourselves my people. Let us hold our health as the utmost pinnacle of importance, even if you are HIV positive, you don’t want a co-infection or to reinfect yourself by engaging in unproctected sex.

  • I was reading this blog, and I agree with lots of guys here, I do think that A4A does its part about the HIV thing, is OUR RESPONSABILITY to protect ourselfs, some guys don`t wanna get infected but they still hooking up with guys here, I think, REGARDLESS OF HIV STATUS, IF you don`t wanna get anything, DON`T DO anything with nobody, practice THE NO DICK AT ALL!!! That`s the only way to do not get any desease, I always say this, with or without HIV posted in their profiles, YOU MUST USE PROTECTION.
    Here is another topic to discuss, what about when you guys are looking around the fields, the bushes, (in L.A.,Elysian Park, In San Diego, Morley Park/Balboa Park) Without mention the “spas”… Still, some guys don`t get it!! (eventually they will if they keep sucking dick!!!)

  • I def have to say that this posting is absolutely necessary. Now personally I have never cared if someone was HIV- or HIV+ because I know the level of risks involved. However, if I know someone is HIV+ than I would use a condom absolutely. I always asked about someones HIV status and other STD’s which I think is becoming so rare that people do that these days because everyone is like now making these slogans which really mean nothing.
    I must go on to say that I was dating someone who ASSUMED I was HIV+ (his reasoning behind this I will never know) and he never told me he was HIV+. Of course after a month of dating (and unprotected sex) that it was time to come clean (a little late for that to be honest). 3 months after we met I was tested HIV+. Am I pissed, yes but I’m only equally pissed at him as I am w/ myself. I wasn’t responsible enough and I’m paying for the consequences.
    What I will say on this topic is that any HIV+ person should tell EVERYONE about their status. It pisses me off when I hear “well they are consenting to BB so why should I out myself?” or “Well it’s a BB orgy so it’s a given that there is a risk involved” just cut the crap out, and stop being inconsiderate of others. Also, anyone that is saying they are HIV-… get tested every 3-6 months if you have regular sex and multiple sexual partners. It’s not right to go around saying you are HIV- when you have had even just ONE unprotected sexual partner. At the very least say that you are HIV- as of such and such date but have had sex since then. That way, anyone you are having sex w/ will be up to date and therefore will be responsible enough to make the decision of the risks involved w/ the correct information that you provide. The only reason diseases keep spreading is because people are being too scared to ask and too scared to tell. Sex isn’t so important that you stop caring about your body and the bodies of others. Take a stand and be one less individual that buckles under the pressure. And DONT give me the excuse “But condoms suck” cuz if you want sex that badly bite the bullet for crying out loud. And I also think it’s stupid to be so scared to not say anything because it’s just selfish to not allow someone the right to know the risks.
    I’m an openly homosexual man living w/ HIV for 2 years now, and I am proud to say that I take care of my disease and I inform EVERYONE that I am sexually active w/. Not only that, but I am responsible to the point that I get tested every 3 months, I take my medicine, I got my health on track, AND I go from school to school teaching about how HIV is transmitted and what the truths and myths are about HIV. This is almost 2011 now, we need to grow a pair and care for ourselves and others. Berlin finally discovered a cure but it’s expensive and very dangerous, so until the time that everyone can receive treatment lets please start talking about sex. Lets talk about STD’s. And for the love of humanity lets stop telling lies just so that we can get a quick lay!!!
    (Ok I’m done ranting now)

  • Jason, I wish the right thing was as clear and easy as you make it sound!

    So let’s say that Adam4Adam does what you suggest and becomes the enforcer of some standard created that dictates what can be said profiles. (I will exclued the conversation of who has the right to determine such a standard or dictate what men can and can not post, … so we can stay on topic)

    What would happen is that people that have every intention of barebacking, or “gift giving”‘ or “bug chasing” or whatever you have deemed as “promoting the spread of HIV”  would be forced to change their profile so that they conform to what you call “socially responsible”. 

    The problem is that in enforcing some standard of what can be posted Adam4Adam would actually be putting men at an even greater risk becuse what A4A would be doing in actuality is FORCING men to lie and simply appear to conform to the standard created. 

    Making men say the right thing I their profile does nothing to address what happens when two men meet in the real world. 

    The members of A4A are far safer when they know exactly what a person is into before they meet face to face. If someone has the intention of barebacking, practicing safe sex, doing drugs, spreading HIV, or any other activity, it is far safer for the community for them to make their intentions known in their profile rather then try to force the to appear to be something they are not through their profile. 

    Imagine that a member posted something like “looking to infect you with HIV” and the response of the site was to delete the profile. What would most likely happen is that the person looking to infect others would just create a new profile that said something that conformed the standards created (there is no way to block someone from creating a profile). The person’s intention would not change just because their profile was deleted so now this person intending on infecting others would appear to be “safe” and seem to conform to some standard but now the members would not know the guys real intention and be at a much greater risk because the guys true intentions would be hidden.

    What A4A does inreality, is provide space for gay men to post pictures and text and to communicate, and for adult sites and others to advertise their products.

    What you blame A4A for are issues within our community and are displayed in the site, not caused by the site and are not unique to A4A at all.

    The health section of the blog was created so that members would have access to health information and have an opportunity to express themselves about community issues and health. It exists because Adam4Adam does care about the community.

  • Well I was lied to by a dude on A4A and here I am poz. Been a year Dec.26th. I have only had sex one time in this whole year, but he was told up front. “Hey I’m poz”. He was ok with my status. He put on the condom and only lasted 3 pumps. I waited for nothing uggggh! My toys are safer anyway. And they last until my arms give out. Lol. Be bold protect yourself and your partners.

  • the only thing all these blogs have made me realize is that posting my status here was a huge mistake. all this will do is make me a leper in the site , and attract the wrong kind of attention . at first it seemed sorta nice to be honest and say so , but now i just feel like my chances of meeting anyone has reduced to nothing because honesty is not really what these people want when they fuck you. they want a hot ass and they want to THINK they’re safe, but honestly dont care one way or the other as long as they GET some. and btw, i really do believe the person that gave me this great “gift” knew exactly what he was doing , and enjoyed the results very much. enjoyed it so much he refused to get tested when he KNEW he was pos by the sheer number of people that ended up pos after he “dated” them . so my advice to you, condom or not, is to assume everyone is pos, because mark my words, we all WILL be sooner or later if this kind of “hide it dont ask dont tell, fuck as many as you can before you know for sure” attitude stops.

  • I think it’s disgusting that people aren’t more honest on these dating sites: after all when you meet the person in person, what the hell are you going to do, continue to lie, and live a lie? I’ve slammed the door in people’s faces before because of misrepresentation

  • Anyone using these sites that needs to have sexual diseases and the way their transmitted shouldn’t be having sex. I have no compassion for idiots. The problems shallow losers that get horny over a pic. Instead of common sense, dudes think they are getting the hottest guy, and actually offer to fuck bb to seal the deal. You can blame the clubs and other sites, gyms, and the idiots that flaunt their studliness for all the problems.

  • Much of this HIV poz status may have to do with the person’s bad habits, spiritual laziness, and little else. NO, I’m not talking about church. Principally speaking, it’s no different to take something that harms your genetics to boost your endorphins and feel pleasure than it is to take sleeping pills which promise you a good night sleep. Everyone that does meth knows the dangers of meth, etc, but they don’t give a hooty tooty flying fornication- and some don’t care about another’s vulnerable genetics so that they pass it to others. It’s not natural healthy pleasure, and it’s not natural healthy sleep. If you abuse your body, then you have to pay the price, and don’t expect nature to be able to recover from everything. Humans can’t recover once blasted fro atomic bombs either, or falling out of a plane without a parachute. But damn, it sure felt good :\

    And No, the aforementioned is not what drug companies will say, cause they want to sell more drugs, and that’s not what many health professionals will say, cause they’re being paid off very well. by drug companies.

    I’ve read the PDR on some drugs and one of the side effects is that they cause HIV :\

  • There are a lot of things going back and forth (which I enjoy seeing. Keeping speaking your mind while keeping it open.) I’m just going to add my two cents:

    -We need to stop putting all of this responsibility on A4A. We’re contradicting ourselves. We know that lies and malice occur in cyberspace, yet we’re turning to cyberspace to protect us. In the end, YOU NEED TO LOOK AFTER YOURSELF! Having porn ads is not going to cause someone to do something they weren’t going to do anyway, unless they just came out as a sexual gay male (in which case, please don’t attempt cyber-gay for at least 3 years). There is no “safe”. Stop yelling at A4A to be Big Brother. I thought we were fighting that in the first place.

    -I have nothing against people who post because they feel that that is who they are. If you are drug-free, feel free to state it in hopes of finding someone like you. However, it’s that other D (Disease) that bothers me (as well as its “clean” counterpart). If anyone here can truly tell me, at 8:56 on the 30th of December, that you are disease free, please step up. You’re body is only as healthy as your last test result (and let’s not even get started on false positives/NEGATIVES). Full STI panels are rarely done every 3 months, especially when doctors usually do them once a year, unless you know you’re having a problem. Do you know how many diseases show no symptoms for years? And if you are that in tune with your body to the point where you can pinpoint an intruder, please teach this grasshopper.

    -While you don’t have to fuck “unclean” people, don’t treat this as though you deserve your pride in your cleanliness. Almost everyone on this site was clean at one point, so you can’t act as though you can’t move over to where we are. This world is full of disease. However, in the Western world, we equate medicine with the potential to be completely germ-free. What about herpes simplex 1 (which can be transmitted through sex)? If you have had a cold sore, then you have herpes. It’s pretentious to assume that we all live in bubbles.

  • GUYS ANY COMMENTS THAT IS NOT POLITICALLY CORRECT OR SAYS BAD THING ABOUT PEOPLE LIVING WITH HIV WILL NOT BE POSTED. PLEASE ACT LIKE AN ADULT AND LEARN HOW TO SPEAK !
    DAVE

  • A more difficult proposition. The strategy of
    “BEFORE we have sex let’s get tested TOGETHER
    for A VARIETY of STDs.”

    Do sexual health checkups reduce the ambiguity? Can sexual health checkups be like anything else POTENTIAL sex partners do together?…

    If you needed surgery would you want the surgeon to wash
    before operating?…

    If you needed a blood transfusion would you want the blood tested
    before or after the transfusion?…

    see also
    http://notb4weknow.blogspot.com
    http://continuedat.blogspot.com

    “tested together” alerts
    http://www.google.com/alerts
    http://www.google.com/search?q=%22tested+together%22

  • The only way to stop the spread of HIV is for everyone to get tested and everyone who tests positive to get treatment. According to several studies, when a person’s viral load is undetectable, it is very unlikely that they will be able to infect another person. The people spreading the virus are not those who know that they are positive, but the huge percentage who think they are negative but are not.

    Anyone who is negative and does not want to catch HIV should always practice safe sex or not have sex at all. Statistically, you are almost 100% more likely to catch HIV from unsafe behavior with a person who says that they are negative than safe-sex with an HIV+ person who is on treatment and has an undetectable viral load!

    I’ve found that using condoms is no longer the default behavior among younger gay guys.

    As far as HIV itself, today’s treatments are a far cry from what existed ten or twenty years ago. Life expectancy for a person with HIV is pretty much the same as for a person without HIV, and for people who are starting treatment now it is likely the same. It really can be treated with one pill a day. Most people don’t have any bad side effects from the medication and live a great quality of life. The big problem is when people don’t have access to treatment. It really is a much more manageable disease than diabetes. I know that it hasn’t always been this way, but today’s younger guys need to know that finding out that they are positive is a far cry from being the end of the world. Today’s treatments can make a person undetectable in under two weeks (though it varies by person).

    It’s time to talk about HIV as it is now as opposed to how it used to be. People need to start taking responsibility for their own behavior and if they catch HIV, deal with it. It makes no sense that people are asked to put their HIV status in their profile but not whether they have hepatitis or other diseases.

  • I will never understand why guys lie on their profile! I mean really isn’t the whole idea of having a profile on A4A is to meet other guys? Hello “meet other guys” this does mean a face to face meeting. Let’s think about that for a second. Do you not think at that time the out of date pictures you are using will not be noticed putting you and the other person in the spot of “be kind and don’t mention or mention and hurt feeling”. I for one hurt feelings as I feel there is no excuse. This is 2011 cameras are everywhere use them!! Same goes for HIV status and interests you have a better chance of finding a guy you will enjoy meeting if you both are honest. But even as mine is 100% truthful I find that guys are most often illiterate as well as liars. I clearly state that I am HIV+ yet still get asked if I am or not. HELLO why would I put it on my profile if I was not? For those that are positive and are afraid you will not have the opportunities if you clearly state that you are in fact HIV+ I am here to tell you this is not the case!!! There are plenty of opportunities out there trust me my mail box is very busy. And to the guys that just look at the pictures. Wake up you should always read the fine print!!!

  • Well I have had some bad experienced but al and all is good the problem is when you make clear that you want a condom but they rub there rock near your biut sipping pre cumand the do not care also when you ask some people do pre cum a lot some not so you ask before you suck them but than you see that they pre cum is some what a lot witch is not good for you also some tell you sure I will were a condom nut the live pre cumm all over your butt and than some just do no care the sick it to you fast so by the time you realize he penetratedyou he has not condom and he said sorry I for hot so all. You can do is do it and enjoy or stop it and ended there witch I have dome no way some one a one time Dick is going to fickle me with out a condom now if I am in a relation after some time is ok to do it with out it if you make sure he gets tested and you too but some dicks Re just a dicks so I am single but hopping to find my other half soon

  • While it’s very important to be skeptical of peoples’ claims about their health status and to always play safe even when you think the other person is disease free, I’m a little troubled by how willing this article is to simply cast aspersions on the claims of anyone who gives their status, as if nobody actually knows it. Some of us do actually get tested on a regular basis. The AIDS Healthcare Foundation has 6 free clinics throughout Southern California and a few in other major metropolitan areas as well (I know there’s one in DC) where you can get a free rapid HIV test, Hepatitis vaccines, and get tested for Gonhorreah, Syphilis, Chlamidia, and examined for signs of HSV2 and HPV. There are other organizations providing free clinics as well. Get tested regularly, play safely, and then you can honestly say that you know your status.

  • When a guy posts a date in the profile of when he was tested neg, it makes me think the guy is lying, because who does that.

  • I have questioned guys who do not have their HIV status listed, and they for the most part will answer that they are positive when I ask them what their statuses are, and one Guy told me that I should always consider all the guys online as HIV+ til otherwise noted. The Guys who are HIV- have on their profile that ‘anything goes’ is making a big mistake, and possibly contract HIV/AIDS, and therefore I would tell them to get tested before they have anymore sex. Use Condoms Guys!

  • So, I’ve fucked 97 guys. Never bottomed w/ out a condom, topped 9 times w/ out one, deep throated 12 cocks… what’s my HIV risk?

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