With the Supreme Court (finally) deciding to begin considering if same-sex couples have the right to marry, there are all sorts of discussion points that we, the affected group, need to honestly address among ourselves. I’m going to begin a series of discussion articles that you will undoubtedly want to weigh in on, so here is our chance. You should know also that many of your comments will have some bearing on future postings. However, I think we might want to begin with some fundamental talking points just to be sure we all know what it is we’re facing. I’m not talking broad legal ramifications such as institutional discrimination or Jim Crow style separate-but-equal civil union vs. marriage labels here. We all understand those I think, so I am going to bring those topics up in future postings. Also, let’s confine this discussion to men only because…well…it’s basically a men only site.
Here is my concern: I’m concerned that we gay men constantly attempt to bring heterosexual values into a homosexual relationship. And I think because of that, we are constantly setting ourselves up for failure. One of the biggest heterosexual values we set ourselves up with is the idea that we are expected to remain monogamous, mentally and physically. This particular idea has been drummed into our heads from a lifetime of being bombarded with examples of heterosexual values. Media, movies, TV, etc., all have constantly given us the male-female point of view that to remain together, there must be total adherence to only that one other person. How many gay relationships do you know of (either personally or of others) that broke up because one of the two partners became sexually involved with another guy; even if it was a one-time thing? Even now the movies and TV shows that have gay-themed plot lines seem to want to break the couple up because one cheated on the other. The most recent example is Kurt and Blaine from “Glee”. (I’m still hopeful that Ryan Murphy will allow them to accept the concept that outside sex in gay relationships doesn’t usually have anything to do with the relationship itself, but again, that’s another posting.) Sure, there are all sorts of reasons for relationships to fail such as personality issues, money, etc., but let’s keep this about sex.
So this brings up my main concern about same-sex marriage: same-sex divorce. How often do we go into a relationship with the expectation that we’ll have a completely committed and monogamous lifelong bond? I think it’s necessary to separate the two in our sub-culture. Commitment and monogamy are two completely different things in gay relationships; at least with men – and gay men in particular. Let’s be real here…men as a whole are pigs. Now I’m not judging, in fact it’s one of those endearing qualities about men that I like. I think everyone has heard the phrase “a stiff dick has no conscience”, right? There is a reason for that cliché. But so many people I’ve spoken to are looking to enter into a relationship full of those heterosexual ideals that I believe are almost impossible to achieve in a homosexual relationship. And yet, when I press them for examples of themselves or people they know that are in or have been in long lasting relationships and one has never had sex outside the relationship, they can’t think of an example. Sure, there are exceptions, but the percentages are very small from what I can make out.
So my point here is that we need to rethink ourselves and not force our square pegs into the round heterosexual hole that is called marriage. We absolutely deserve to get married if that is what we want, but we also need to realize that we have a completely different reality in what our relationships truly are. I also believe that we can get to that committed-monogamous level, but it is going to take at least a couple of generations of reprogramming our mindset to match our thinking. Being denied the opportunity to have a marriage for so long has placed us on a different plane of dimension, thought processes, and behavior. That behavior is not going to change overnight with any judicial ruling.
Now, before you start writing to tell me how you are completely committed to your partner and how full of shit I am…consider this simple question: Why are you on this site? Is it just to read the articles? I don’t think so…it’s because you, as a man, regardless of your current relationship status, are still excited by outside sexual stimuli. It’s just the way it is…there isn’t anything necessarily wrong with it. If you knew…really knew that you could have an extracurricular sexual encounter and could totally get away with it…wouldn’t you do it? I think most men (gay or straight) would. OK…discussion on!