5 Mar 2013

Gay Stuff : Deal-Breaker

Category: Gay Stuff

I found myself in the middle of a surprisingly heated discussion with some of my friends the other night. We asked each other: “What is the one thing about a person that would absolutely keep you from dating them: What is your Deal-Breaker?

I was surprised no one listed a physical characteristic: Too tall, too out of shape, too young, etc. While we all agreed that extreme drug use would be a deal breaker for us in particular, we found ourselves somewhat offended by what the others listed as their Deal-Breakers. (maybe some of them hit too close to home?)

One friend said she would never date someone who made half or twice as much income, citing the disparity in incomes always creates friction. Another said he would never date someone who wasn’t also a college graduate. One would never date someone who is overly-religious. My deal breaker seemed to piss everyone off, especially as I am animal lover: I don’t want to date anyone with a dog. One, I am allergic to most dogs but more importantly to me, I hate the lack of freedom that comes with dog ownership. It understand not being able to whisk you away for a long weekend in Vegas without a dog sitter, but it goes too far when you tell me you can’t spend the night because you have to go home and feed the pooch. One of my friends said I was being selfish and asked if I would feel the same about a child. “I would never date someone who has to care for a child,” I said carefully. “But if ever forced to choose between a dog and a child, the dog would win out.”

What are your deal breakers? What is unacceptable for you?

Enzo AKA Socaltuffguy

122 comments for Gay Stuff : Deal-Breaker

  • Smoking.

  • hmmm, I think someone with kids would definitely be the big deal breaker for me. But I can think of a few physical things too… heavyset, uncut, bad hygiene would all be issues for me.

  • How about a major bullshit artist, full of excuses, and keeps you on hold till the next thing comes along. That is definitely a deal breaker.

  • Drugs….dated a druggie….lesson learned.

  • A good sampling of the ads on this and similar sites over the years would suggest that, by far, being up in years is the most prevalent deal breaker. I certainly have received more than my share of nasty ageist comments for daring to look at the profiles of guys younger than me.

  • smokers are a no go.

  • I know I will offend a lot of people too when I say my deal breaker is: I don’t want to date another man, crazy, yes, but that is me. then why am I on this site? I don’t know.

  • your rhetoric is spot on. if you have a kid, pick up men in the park. if you have a dog, be willing to drop the little shit off at doggy day care. neither can spoon a man the way a man needs to be spooned. just sayin.

  • My deal breaker – smoking.
    I’ll have a one night stand with a smoker but don’t want to date a smoker.

  • I might get a lot of hate for this but as of now I dnt think I would date anyone who was HIV positive. I understand HIV+ people can lead fulfilling lives just like anyone else but I wana stay HIV free. Pls dnt hate me…

  • A person who is close-minded, and wayyy too superficial!! Smh ;-P

  • i lived as husband and husband with a guy for 11 years. when we got together he was making four times my salary, doctor and caseworker …. six years into it and i’m making much more than twice his income. the next five years were rocky, and we had a terrible divorce, the point is that you never know how someones career is going to pan out! if not, just date him for his money!!

  • I just can’t get into guys who are fat or act like girls!! If I wanted a female I would date one lol

  • Smoking.

  • Add: I would never be in a l/t relationship a Republican

  • My deal breaker is a smoker, or extreme drug abuse. I work with a guy that is so handsome, and he has a great personality, we would make a great couple. But when i see him smoking outside or talk to him after, and i can smell smoke on him, it’s such a turn off. Sorry to all you smokers out there. I’m an animal lover I have 3 rescue danes and I wouldn’t give them up for anything or anyone. I do travel a lot and have no problem finding a sitter at the last minute. A lot of animals out there need good homes.

  • Deal breakers for me would be heavy drug use, heavy drinking, too little income or no job, smoker over 25 (older smokers smell nasty), not out or at least not in the process of coming out, too fat, too tall, sloppy, bad hygiene, bad breath, bad teeth (we wouldn’t get to the dating point if he had bad teeth, anyway), no sense of humor, no sense of adventure, closed-minded, inattentive, rude, or vanilla sex. >:-)

    I know it sounds like a laundry list, but I think most people would agree with many of these deal breakers, and probably have some of their own to add. I think we all have a mental checklist, but some of us let our brains do it automatically and we just forget about having to do it manually.

    This is a great topic because it’s often overlooked or people try to pretend they don’t rule out people because of their own preferences, but we all do that with tons of things every day. Including potential mates! :)

  • My Deal-breakers are: excessive drinking and drug use, having no income at all or at least going to school, and being a none high school graduate

  • I can adapt to alot but crazy drug use and immature young guys I can’t.

  • My deal breaker are all the lying sack of shits out there that call themselves men. It’s such a drag on your time and energy when you know that so many guys out there are trained liars!!!!! Can truth be told anymore? Common bullshit put out: ‘I’m so ready for a relationship’, ‘I’m a top’, ‘I want to meet again and go out sometime’, ‘yeah; I’m more mature than going out and getting drunk all the time’, ‘totally not into the scene so much anymore’…..blah blah blah blahhhhhhhh!!! Men r shit! I really wish I was into pussy cause I’m seriously just tired of it.

  • I agree with you. I have a dog, and I love my dog, that is not my point, but everyone has a deal breaker, and I do not think that it should be considered selfish, or closed minded, or something negative. personally I do not think it is anyone’s business to judge one for the other, because we all have them.

  • Everybody has that deal breaker but im a father of two kids i have other gay friends with kids or dogs and I also have Rottweilers the that are better trained than most humans i dont get how is or dogs be a deal breaker to any body not allergic

  • Mine are smokers, ANY drug use(and pot is a drug), stuck up guys, too young.

    Anyone that smokes basically smells like an ashtray. Drug users, too me, are using oxygen that others can put to better use. I much prefer guys from say 40 on up. If he happens to be a HUNG TOP, so much the better ;-)

    Craig

  • The only deal breaker that I can add would be someone who doesn’t see what I have to offer to another man as far as a relationship is concerned!!!

    Or the type of guy who is always looking for someone who he deems as better than me! WE all know the Superficial type!!!

  • This was a thought provoking question – I agree with many of the deal breakers mentioned: smoking, excessive drinking, bad hygiene, no job, no income, difficult personality, etc. I don’t necessarily understand all the comments regarding excessive drug use however! Drug use of any kind is a deal breaker for me. My new addition to the list would be negativity and a draining personality. You know the guys who seem to have an endless list of problems and issues? My mental list just reminds me of why I’m single…all of these damn deal breakers!

  • A deal breaker for me is when you think the guy is OK and you start talking about sex. You like to play safe and he starts by saying I love being a pig, and live in the baths, and I can almost get someones arm up my ass to the elbow. And he says btw I am STD free and HIV neg… Yeah right. I think men need to be more careful in their sexual habits. As they say you can’t judge a book by it’s cover. I don’t smoke but if that’s the only vice the guy had, I’d get an insurance policy out on him. And a pig you might as well condemn yourself to death and dispair. There is not a cock on each worth giving up you health or life for.

  • Smoking and or drugs

  • Fat. Old. Short. Druggy. No humor. Flamor fem type. Smokers.

  • Some BIG deal breakers would have to be:
    Smoking
    Feminine guys
    Someone with a cat
    Guys shorter than me
    And douchebags lol

  • I don’t think I believe in deal breakers.. I’ve never decided whether or not to date someone simply for a characteristic they have.. I mean obviously there are traits that are undesirable like addiction but to say that you won’t give someone a chance because they smoke or have a dog is stupid. I just feel that if there’s a man who is kind caring intelligent attractive and interested in you you shouldn’t write him off cuz he isn’t college educated or whatever ; thats just throwing away a chance at happiness.. The fact is that ppl can change.. Smokers could quit, college drop outs could go back to school, and immature guys can grow up if given support.. Some are harder to get around but when you like someone you could really try and make it work.. I don’t mean to condemn anyone that has deal breakers.. I’m just giving my explanation for why I don’t like them.. It’s understandable to meet someone and not like them after talking to them for a while but to look at someone and completely write them off because of something that makes them who they are seems unreasonable.. If you feel you need to reply to this go ahead but know that I probably won’t be back to check.. Sorry if I offended anyone.

  • My deal-breaker has to be someone who is too needy or possessive, ready to get exclusive or monopolize my time immediately. I need friends for the growth or the refreshment, not as another job. Seriously. Close behind that, is the superficial person, who judges people by what brand name attaches to whatever they wear, use, or do. I believe the man makes the man. And I do have issues also, for what it’s worth, with the guys who think poz guys are untouchable. If he knows he is, and he tells you he is, he’s being honest. Some guys are and don’t know, or they lie about it just because of the attitude others have about it. Every other STD out there is more contagious than HIV, and a little research with one of the Gay Health organizations would inform you. And most of the public health agencies have to provide meds of some kind, to the guys who are found to be poz, so it’s not like it used to be. And I do have to agree with a major factor, too: hygiene. If the guy has bad breath from not brushing or from smoking weed, he’s out.

  • Whether a guy is heavier, slimmer, younger, older, furry, smooth, in great shape or not, etc. is irrelevant. A smoker? Tough to be around; there’s nothing more frustrating that an otherwise great guy who tastes and smells smoker nasty. Deal breaker? Not necessarily, but for sure it’s not a plus. A pet owner? Not thrilled about cats, but if a guy has one that’s his choice. A dog owner? If it’s a REAL dog, that’s a plus but it can’t be one of those cat-sized ones that appear to be wearing a dog costume. A pet grounds you, in a positive way. Having one makes you think and plan ahead. It keeps you from being flighty, impulsive, and doing things you’ll later regreat. A guy who thinks the world revolves around him … that’s a deal breaker. A guy who’s always chasing the latest short-lived fad or trend and throws in in your face how cool he is becuase he does. Deal breaker. A guy who thinks you exist to please him sexually and does not reciprocate, or does so half assedly. Deal breaker. I’ve found that guys that don’t kiss, or don’t kiss well, fail to be giving and aren’t comfortable to be around. It’s almost from the start now that if a guy doesn’t kiss, or says “it’s not my thing”, it’s a deal breaker. No point in going any further with him.

  • For me: druggies, smokers, fat guys, bad hygiene, bad breath, no income or non professional, effeminates….

    On the other hand, prob everybody (unfortunately), is attracted to the look of the guy first. After that, comes all of those aspects commented above: cute but smoker, nice face but a druggie, great sex but a loser and so on!!

    Am i right, everyone?

  • Everything is a deal-breaker nowadays, thanks to the Internet. It’s too easy to keep searching in hopes of finding the PERFECT man.

  • married — first boyfriend
    alcoholic — second boyfriend
    druggie — third boyfriend
    the 4th boyfriend was perfect ;o)

  • no married, boyfriended, bisexual, closeted or downlow guys for me.

    also i won’t date anyone who is more than 13% crazy.

  • Those pesky little kids and dogs or cats lol,I think I’m the only queer I know that don’t have either one

  • SMOKING
    HIV+
    NOT HAVING A CAR OR AT LEAST A DRIVER’S LICENSE (IN LOS ANGELES)
    LOW-INCOME
    UNEDUCATED
    LACK OF HEALTH INSURANCE (FOR YOUR BENEFIT AND MINE)
    NO GOALS
    NO ASSETS (REAL WEALTH)
    NO JOB
    IN DEBT UP TO EYEBALLS
    NO SPARE TIME FOR A VACTION OR TIME WITH ME
    BAD CREDIT (FOR OBVIOUS REASONS)
    PRIOR PAST FELONY CONVICTIONS (FOR OBVIOUS REASONS)
    A CHILD (OR CHILD SUPPORT PAYMENTS)
    ANGER MANAGEMENT ISSUES (FOR OBVIOUS REASONS)
    BAD BREATH (HALITOSIS)
    BAD HYGIENE (FOR OBVIOUS REASONS)
    PREVIOUS HISTORY OF MENTAL HEALTH FACILITY ADMISSION
    BALDING OR RECEDING HAIRLINE
    UNCUT (I LIKE MY COTTAGE CHEESE PACKAGED, NOT IN BETWEEN YOUR FORESKIN, THANK YOU)
    PEANUT BUTTER OR FISH ALLERGIES (I LIKE PEANUT BUTTER, AND ENJOY EATING SUSHI)
    NO CREDIT CARD (FOR EMERGENCIES)
    NOT SURE IF THE RELATIONSHIP IS RIGHT (INDECISIVENESS)
    CON ARTISTS (YES, ADAM4ADAM.COM IS A HAVEN FOR THOSE)
    INDICATING YOU’RE A TOP ON YOUR PROFILE (BUT REVEALING THAT YOU LIKE TO BOTTOM “FROM TIME TO TIME)
    INDICATING THAT YOU’RE A BOTTOM ON YOUR PROFILE (BUT REVEALING THAT YOU LIKE TO TOP “FROM TIME TO TIME”)
    CRAPPY CAR (JUNK IT ALREADY IT’S 2013!)
    WANTING TO MARRY ME JUST TO BECOME A U.S. CITIZEN
    ON WELFARE OR WELFARE ASSISTED HOUSING (FOR OBVIOUS REASONS)
    STILL IN LOVE AND OR DATING YOUR EX (JUST ADMIT THAT HE WAS THE BEST AND NO ONE WILL EVER COMPARE, EVER)
    DRUG USE (FOR OBVIOUS REASONS)
    UNTRUSTWORTHY (FOR OBVIOUS REASONS)
    PURPOSEFUL DECEPTION (FOR OBVIOUS REASONS)
    OLD ENOUGH TO BE MY GRANDFATHER (I’LL BE WITHOUT YOU IN SEVERAL YEARS AT THE LEAST)
    IF I’M NOT GOING TO EVENTUALLY MEET THE PARENTS (I’M NICE AND GOOD LOOKING, WHY HIDE ME? UNLESS IT’S NOT THAT SERIOUS OF COURSE)

    THAT’S MY LIST.

  • No fats, No femms, No ethnics, no trolls, no youngins, no druggies, no poor people, oh so what am I really left with? NO SKILLS OR INSIGHT OR EMPATHY in how to compromise and possibly even help my fellow human being. Thank you for your time.

  • I was surprised that no one listed incarcerated for murder, and really poor hinge! Whoof! I’ve experienced both, He may be cute but HE GAT’A GO! Burp / Farters! And.. Really poor table manors! I lived in New Orleans, so I ran into all the above!

    How about; asks for money all the time!? Or shows up at 3:AM Too often…No I will not let you barrow my car…Or my clothes…What a Mooch… Uses my tooth brush…Urge….

  • Drug use of any kind is a dealbreaker for me. That and if a guy has no sense of humor. It says so mo much about a person, more than we would like to admit. It is a safe filter for our feelings and a good test of inteelligence Guys who don’t get and/or respond to my sense of humor don’t get called back.

  • Deal-breakers:
    – Smoker
    – Druggie
    – Heavy drinker
    – Into Xtreme anything
    – Bad breath
    – BO (sorry, no tolerance for the whole “a man should smell like a man” thing)
    – One-word responses
    – Penny-pincher (budget conscious, okay, but tightwad, no)
    – Lack of curiosity
    – Everything has to be his way (he chooses restaurant, entertainment, etc.)
    – Judgmental (disparages your choice of restaurant, entertainment, job, etc.)
    – Dormant in bed
    – Porn/verbal reliant
    – Cross-dresser
    – “Drama Queen”
    – Consistently negative/angry
    – No sense of humor
    – Pet bird
    – Wont put down the smart phone
    – Self-absorbed
    – Bisexual (sorry, met too many men for whom it’s an act to avoid coming out and committing)
    – Grossly overweight
    – Poor communication skills (particularly non-stop talking, no active listening)

  • My deal breaker is a bunch of bullshit, which is what these comments are full of. A lot of you, just like the post is saying, are choosing things that aren’t physical. However, 90% of the time, people on this site make a judgement on whether or not to message someone based on their profile picture, which is entirely physical. So uh, whenever you guys wanna talk for real, hit me up. Otherwise, keep your bullshit to yourself.

  • Any drug use really, someone who wants to have an open relationship, a really feminine guy, and heavyset guys. I like my men in shape lol, round doesn’t count as one.

  • I can’t date someone who hates country music. I’m going to listen to my music, so whoever is with me is going to have to get used to that. So there’s that.

    Also, I have had this conversation a lot: I can’t date someone whose level of intelligence is significantly below mine. That might go with the college graduate comment, but I feel like people should match emotionally and intellectually.

  • 1) Seriously overweight… Like BIG. I just dont find them sexually attractive. Plus, I think its a reflection of their lack of self control and discipline. I am an athletic guy, I tried the “bear pond” and do you have any idea how awkward sex was? Too much stuff.
    2) Seriously muscular… Like BIG. Too self-centered and absorbed to be able to love someone other than themselves. They are fun in porn and for hookups, but I have never met one who has any depth.
    3) A guy with a serious addiction… No matter what that may be. They are not free and emotionally available. Their impulses rule their lives. Sucks.
    4) Illegal aliens. Got my heart broken once because of impossible to resolve immigration status. Sucks big time.
    5) A loner. I want someone who has friends, who spends time with people he loves and loves him. I want my guy to have bonds of love and friendship and a healthy self esteem to be loved and love in return.

    At 35 I have narrowed it down to those 5. Now, where is he?

  • Mine seem to change on the guy! I say smoking but I was with a smoker for 4 months. I say I am generally not attracted to uncut, but have fantasies of uncut dicks and have had sex with them. I also have said in the past that race is a deal breaker but I have recently been open to other races. So honestly it depends on the person and our chemistry. But I will say I won’t date someone without some sort of ambition or college degree or job. If i want to spend the rest of my life with you I don’t want to have to fully support the family.

  • My persoanl deal breakers are fems, cross dressers, anyone in drag, trannies, extreme BDSM. I personally do not care about a person’s age, body size or cock size. The mind and attitude is more important to me. I am a masculine, fairly submissive total bottom. I only look for total tops who are into exploring things other than “vanilla” sex. Not looking for hardcore BDSM but I do like it interesting in bed.

  • Bad Breath-period!!! I can only tolerate it for a few seconds. After that, I get sick to my stomach which would be an uncontrolable response”The Deal” has been broken.
    And above all, guys with so much drama like most of you guys…Your actions are pushing me to go back to women.

  • Balding. And that includes receding hairlines. Total turn-off. Sorry!

  • i have a list.

    smoking. i can’t spend the night in a smoker’s house. if we lived together how fair would it be to tell him he has to go outside and smoke in his house.

    unemployed or under employed. if you are unemployed you are not ready to date. it would be different if you are already together and they lose their job. under employed. i dated this guy who was trying to start his own book publishing company. well unless you come across the next harry potter that sells 100 million copies. when you are only making 8 to 12 cents a book. only selling about 100 books a month. you can barely afford to pay your bills. no tv no cable. couldnt go anywhere or do anything but watch a movie on his lap top.

    drug use. goes without saying.

    must love dogs.

    around my height weight age or not deal breakers just something i look for in a guy

  • Kids and dogs

  • Here is a deal breaker and red flag. If someone uses drugs, even in small amounts, that is a deal breaker–attract untrustworthy people. Moreover, when I read someone profile and it says “self-employed” and “Drugs: occasionally”, that is a RED FLAG. Another deal breaker is unemployed.

  • One that will get a lot of hate, but must be mentioned…

    Many guys whether they want to honestly admit it or cop it up to the notorious “it’s my preference” argument)… Dating a guy, even friendly chatting with a guy for that matter, who is Ethnic/non-white (Black/Arab/Indian, etc.)

  • Life is too harsh to waddle around with preconceived deal breakers. It would rather keep an open mind and an open heart and accept everyone at face value until their actions indicate that there is an issue that needs to be discussed. I do not go by what people write, or claim about themselves-rather I look at their actions. They always speak for themselves and reveal everything I need to know when I need to know it

  • Don’t drop your teeth over this one…
    I could never date a Democrat, too close minded, racist, and bigoted. The racism of low expectations.

  • Besides drug use, another one of mine is closet cases. I’m not saying let’s hold hands in the middle of downtown, but if I have to be your dirty secret kept away from every other aspect of your life, it’s just not going to work. If there’s a reason for you to be in the closet–say, because you live with oppressive parents, work a scrutinizing job, are MARRIED TO A WOMAN, or whatever–I’m sorry but that’s a little too much baggage for me. And if none of the above applies and you’re just too scared to come out, then that doesn’t speak well of your personal character.

  • Religious zealot: I just cannot stand a man who judges everyone. The worst: evangelical Christians. Give me a good ole dock-sucking atheist anytime.

  • COCK-sucking atheist. Can’t type.

  • My deal breaker; Pretentious douche bags. You know the type; they were hipster before it was trendy, and have nothing but disdain for anything remotely popular. They are nothing more than contrarians that ensure they remain unique by finding the most esoteric interests possible, and insisting that one must ‘fall off the map to find yourself.’ Try applying a label to them and they immediately consider you a conformist slave to the social order and assume you must not be able to see past the end of your own nose. They like to believe they are so complicated, intellectual and deep, but the truth of the matter is that there isn’t a single thing about them that I can’t discover in a ten minute conversation that I haven’t already figured out just by looking at them.

  • I’ve been a vegetarian for over 23 years. I swore never a meat eating smoker would i date. well last summer thats exactly what i got. She very nice and a bright woman…just couldn’t do it. i tried. no dice. I wound up dating her best friend. He at least didn’t smoke and rarely ever ate beef.

  • I’m one to say thatits good to know what are into, and like, I think if ur suggesting certain aquirements then you should be the first one to partake of them….I lost 83 lbs because I knew what I wanted…fittness is in and being obesity if out…..its too much out there now for us to take care of ourselves then to just not give a care about our health….let’s get fit…

  • I know I’ll get a lot of hate from this, but I could never date or be with a black guy. I just don’t find them attractive at all. I like them in every other way, but NOT in a sexual way. And I would have to say no to any guy who is feminine acting. Too skinny is a turn off for me too, as well as too fat.

  • Anyone who say’s they don’t have a few “deal-breakers” is a liar! And, as a person grows and matures, that list usually expands – mostly due to life-experience with dating.

    Now, before I give my list, the only thing that really irks me about guys with lists, are guys that have a list of “deal breakers” yet they circulate in groups where the guys have 90% of their “deal breakers.”

    For example, The 40 year old guy who ONLY wants to date guys under 25, is inshape, drug/drama free who dosn’t do drugs, live at the clubs, likes to read novels, stay at home and watch movies – yet he hangs out at dance/party bars and bemoans how tough it is to find his “mr. right.”

    So, while a list is just part of the “dating dance” – if you don’t like the music a club is playing – change clubs.

    It really isn’t that tough a concept to get your arms around. That said, in the scenario i just gave, if you DO still like that scene – then don’t bitch about the fact that you know you’re chances of finding mr right in that crowd is low – and just enjoy yourself. Otherwise – change your list or change your marketing plan.

    Now my list. After the unexpected end of my 12 year “committed” LTR, I faced the reality of finding myself back in the dating pool. A middle age gay man, with alot of “legacy” stuff (not baggage, life stuff: home, possessions, friends, etc that all were in some way tied to my past LTR.)

    First thing i did was make a FIRM commitment to myself to NOT look for a new LTR for at least 1 year. I knew that i needed that time to re-format my routines, detox my attitude and, most importantly, re-establish my self-confidence and self-reliance.

    Now, being a marketing executive, i applied my professional experience with my situation. First: Market Research. I took the time to look at all the ways i could market myself and search for a new opportunity (man). So i found all the best (and worst) online dating/hookup and social media sites. I created a profile ONLY after i sat down and did a SWOT analysis (Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities and Threats). Amazingly enough, that simple task helped me draft a very clear, honest and entertaining profile.

    For brevity, my profile basically included the following: “Hi, i’m an inshape, masculine, drug/drama free, versatile guy with a house, car, career (not a job), small circle of friends. I’m looking to find a guy who wants to enjoy the “dance” of dating (ie: i’m NOT looking to pick out china patterns after the 4th date). Now, before you say, “wow, this guy sounds ideal, let me be clear. I have ZERO tolerance for: Anyone who uses the alphabet drugs – especially guys who say they use (X, G, K, Tina, etc) socially. Pot’s fine – it’s natural and cool with me. Liars: Now, I know we live in an “online” world so a little larceny is to be expected. But, if you’re 5’8″ and you’re not a bodybuilder and you post your weight as 165lbs but you actually weigh 200lbs – you are a liar! I’m no gym-rat, but 50lbs isn’t larceny (that’s 6-7lbs)…so be honest. Age, ok, you’re actually 51 but your profile says 49, cool. But if you’re actually 61 – you’re a liar. Finally, your hiv/status. I understand if you’re poz that you don’t want to publish that too the world, but be honest if we’re going to meet for coffee or a drink. It’s 2010 (note: that’s when i was single) and HIV/HEP, etc are a reality – just be honest – i don’t discriminate based on hiv status – i DO discriminate based on lies! A few last items. I’m a middle aged professional (note: I was 48 in 2010), and while a hot, young, nubile lover sounds good in my fantasy world, the reality is, i don’t want to be any man’s “Daddy.” So, while i’m not going to rule out a guy 10 years my junior or senior, i’d prefer a guy right around my age. A guy who is financially self-supporting. That means you you have a job that affords you a reasonable degree of freedom to go places, do things, dine out, etc….therefore, if you’re a waiter at Applebee’s and you’re 47 years old – we’re probably not going to mesh. I want a guy who can spend quality time together – not a guy who has to wait every monday to find out what shifts he’s working (not to mention having to work almost every weekend nite and holiday).

    So, there you have it. The list is there, but it’s wrapped up with some explanations.

    Oh, and if this helps prove my process…i met my current partner on A4A with this very profile. So, to those who think you can’t meet a quality guy on a so-called “hookup site” you’re WRONG!

  • This article and the subsequent replies just go to show how superficial (or not) many people are… then they wonder why they are still single! For the most part, those things listed would stop you from even starting to date, so they are not really dealbreakers.

    How about listing dealbreakers that can happen after you are dating someone, assuming they get past your conscious ‘deal breakers’ (you can’t break a deal if it hasn’t been made yet!

    Example: you are dating a really nice person who fits your idea of a good mate. You go out for dinner. This person is rude/condescending to the waitstaff, for no apparent reason. For me, this would be considered a dealbreaker. Things like this are not readily apparent at first.

  • Guys with small dogs, feminine voice, feminine attitudes

  • was with a drinker and drug user for 8 years no more not babysitting a guy who over drinks and gets sick no thanks

  • I wouldn’t date someone without a dog. . . Someone that has a dog (or more than one) knows how to care, is usually genuinely relaxed (there are a few exceptions), are a bit more responsible, and usually have real friends (not fuck buddies he tries to pass as friends).

    I also wouldn’t date someone that doesn’t make as much money as I do or more. . .I had my fill of low-income non-achieving guys in my life. I can take care of myself. Can you take care of yourself? Can you give me a few hours to find a dog sitter and we go away for the weekend? Can you surprise me by taking me out dinner? Will you let me take you away on a business trip with me; maybe go out at night??

  • It’s off….WAY off if:

    1. You smoke
    2. Fat or otherwise ill kept body
    3. You do drugs

    Any or all in no particular order and I am GONE

  • I could never date someone with racial hangups. Thats one thing i can’t and will not tolerate.

  • My deal breakers are stinky unkept men or women and someone who believes that jesus was more then just a man. Meaning anyone who believes the bible bullshit. Also republicans . Most of all stinkiness

  • My deal breakers. Men with poor attitudes . Men who are obese or heavy set , if you have a few extra pounds (30) I can deal with that. Really skinny guys are another deal breaker there is a difference between being fit and toned and making a skeleton look fat in comparison.

  • Another deal breaker are men and women who think they are better than you cause they make more money. If only they knew how to enjoy life at it simplist. Put them in a jungle and they would die the fastest. I’ve been of both sides and believe me money helps but it don’t buy love or happiness. So to all u money hungry bitches you will probably die alone, with all your money

  • smoking for sure

  • Was reading the post and got somewhat confused. i always thought a deal breaker was that one thing or things that would keep you from getting serious with that otherwise perfect guy. Many of the post list stuff like, to old, overweight, to fem, ect.. These are things that would keep you from being attracted to some one in the first place, therefore they really wouldn’t be deal breakers.

    For me it would be someone that can’t commit to someone to be in a monogamous relationship, drug or gambling addiction, or refused to maintain a job.

    I’m not attracted to people that don’t take care of themselves, or are immature, so those wouldn’t be deal breakers, as we wouldn’t be dating to start with.

    No offence to anyone, just my two cents worth.

  • My deal breakers are:

    1) Anyone not from the South (tried dating a Yankee once and the cultural difference were to great).
    2) HIV+
    3) No career
    4) No driver license
    5) Anyone who is not self sufficient
    6) Anyone who is not happy with themselves and their life.

  • The short list? People who think they’re going to be 21 forever, therefore they limit their chances; example-men in their 40s who still think they’re in their 20s and turn down anyone in their own age bracket for being “too old.” No liars and users either. Had a friend a few years back that got hooked by one of those. After he took the guy on a European vacation, he got dumped. No negative people for me either. And although I would prefer nonsmokers, nondrinkers and non drug users, I myself am a recovering addict with nearly 5 years clean. Who am I to judge? As long as they don’t do it around me or my home (including bringing it with them even if they’re willing to go outside to use). One last thing; love me, love my dog. If I ever catch anyone abusing my dog, the relationship is over and my suitor is a dead man.

  • Many deal-breakers. Many scoffing at deal-breakers. Some of my attributes are listed as deal-breakers. Those who do that are probably doing me a favor. “Smoker” is a popular deal-breaker. I’m seriously allergic to cigarette smoke. My ex- was a smoker. Over time, he gave it up. I have a serious attraction to almost anything athletic. My ex- couldn’t hit a tennis ball to save his life. I agree with those who argue that what appears wise today can look foolish in the future.

  • @NastyNick – A4A is essentially a hook-up site so of course people are determining

  • @NastyNick – A4A is essentially a hook-up site so of course people are determining WHO THEY WANT TO FUCK based on appearances. The question is what’s a DATING deal-breaker. (BTW, post is a perfect example of someone I wouldn’t date.)

  • I would not date anyone who voted for obomba more than once or if they are a bleeding heart liberal.

  • Deal breaker/s:
    “MASC” guys & “straight acting” or BI
    smoker,druggy
    unemployed or on welfare

    i have to agree that if you make way less than I it will never work as well.

    if you’re not out to anyone, that will never work for me. im not gunna be a secret.

  • my deal breaker is a person without confidence. i walk with my head held high and with someone that’s not even sincere in their own skin will actually piss me off being that we already deal with society putting us down as gays it’s enough to deal with that let along confidence issues……

  • *You don’t date a dog owner? What da puck? I have a dog. Very cute one n very hyper and needy too. But I can go anywhere, at anytime without him. He has the automatic feeder. It gives him food on the schedule. He does his business on the training pad. When Im home, I would clean and keep my apt clean. Having a dog, seems like a lot of works but not really. I could gone away for a night out, a weekend and he still ok alone in the apt. Done that.
    *You don’t date short guy? What da puck? I’m short. And I’m cute. I’m attractive. Looking at my pics and profile and you won’t date me. You must be either bottom, a diva or a bitchy divo.
    *You don’t date a low income or bad credit guy? What da puck? Are you seeing the guy for his money? Or you are afraid that he might steal your money or hi-jack your bank account? Poor people are Not bad persons. You are rich. Drive a nice car but some how have flat tire at the gas station. The air pump is there. But you have no quarter or cash on hand to pump it. You only have plastics. Someone saw that, give you 2 quarters. Yes, bad things happen to good people. Anyway, you should date the guy for his heart, his personality, his good look charms, or his big dick or hot ass.
    I do have a No date list: fat and atheist dudes. Fat bellies hurt my balls when we did missionary. I don’t eat greasy, fatty food. And they do. I can’t find their cocks under all the layers. And atheists are very judgmental mouths. They always bitch-slap other faiths. They show no respect other religions, specially Christianity. And moronically, atheists do adore paganism and Buddhism. What da puck?
    Anyway, to the guys who have a long no-date list. Geez, who da fuck you think you are. Shorten your list or Change your way of thinking or you are Forever alone like ….ME.

  • After reading through the 60+ comments, I feel like i’m wading in a very shallow pool. The nice thing about gay men being so vocal about their list of requirements, is it lets me know how not compatible we really are.. saving lots of time. Your deal-breakers are very telling about what kind of person you are.
    Anyone that can’t handle a guy with a dog probably isn’t looking for the same type of stability that I am. Extreme drug use probably means someone who does more than you do.. which is going to be way more than I do. Any physical traits that are out of that person’s control being deal breakers.. kinda tells me you’re probably a negative person who needs to judge others to make yourself feel better. A person’s hair line, or being uncut, or too tall?! ..All things that some who is pretty on the inside wouldn’t care about.
    Personal discipline gets at the heart of most of the common issues people list. Guys who take responsibility for the bad and the good that goes on in their lives are terribly sexy. Whether it’s your diet, addictions, financial choices, social attitudes.. all things within your control to be for good or for bad. Make the right choices and the important people notice. Make the wrong ones and join the others that bitch about how bad life is treating you.
    Every queen out there is looking for his Prince Charming to magically come along and fill their void.. but no self-respecting gay Prince Charming ever went looking for a queen. Be the type of guy you’d like to meet. You’ll be much happier with yourself til the right one comes along.

  • Smoking (of any type), excessive drinking and clubbing, and saying u have a certain size and length but come to find out its no where near that size. If you feel like you have to lie about your size what else would you lie about? Either that it you were measuring using the wrong side of the ruler. 4 inches does not come anywhere near 9 inches :-/

  • someone that is worried about the size of his for someone else’s penis

  • Someone who tips poorly. Such a turn off.

  • Guys who don’t know what they want. My most recent relationship ended because he cheated on me with a taco. We loved each other, we wanted a future together, but he was not in a good place (criminal record, no job, lives with parents, no motiviation, etc.). I tried to help as best I could with it, but he did not want to change. Then he withheld intimacy saying that because I wasn’t Latino, I wasn’t good enough for him. Then he goes on a date with a Latino dude from another city, and has sex with him on the first date. I was appalled, and broke up with him ASAP.

    I hate hypocrites and guys who lead you on.

  • Seeing all these responses reminds me how superficial many gay men are…

  • Very effeminate men. If I wanted t date a woman, I would be on a different site.

  • No smokers or drinkers, no fems, trannies or cross dressers, no one into weird shit like fisting, scat, water “sports,” or sounding…

    No uncut guys, no obese guys (a SOLID football build is definitely ok, but if your belly and thighs hide your dick then it’s a no go.)

    Flamboyant guys are a definite no.

    Also the use of the following words are a deal breaker: cock, bro, dude, girl (in reference to a man) and bitch (in reference to a man again).

  • 1st time he hits me, he’s gone. NO 2nd chance

  • deal breaker for me is someone that refuses communication. How on earth would it work without that? I am not a mind reader so transparency and honesty no matter how it hurts is important. I’m a big boy and can cope.

  • My God.

    Those “dealbreakers” that are read like a laundry list are a huge turn off. Everyone is different here.

    For example, the guys who list “no job/under-incomed” is such a big turn off for me. I’m deaf and every job I’ve applied gets turned down simply because of that disability … not to mention the state of the economy that it’s in right now. I’m a college graduate (2011), yes, but I’ve had a tough time finding jobs because of picky-ass employers who prefer this and that – aha, what do you know *smacks forehead in sarcasm* like a laundry list!

    One thing I despise, however, are liars/bullshitters.

    No wonder why I’m still single my whole life. Oh by the way, “Talan” is not my real name because I’m careful not to post my real name (and don’t come up with a cop-out via pointing out that the pot is calling the kettle black …. because being careful is not the same as lying/bullshitting, thank you very much).

  • I agree with a previously mentioned comment, for a lot of guys, the physical appearance is an automatic deal breaker. We dont consider it though because we all have types that we are interested in, with some flexibility. For me personally I like in shape guys, but as I have grown up I have actually learned to like guys who are too skinny or have a little extra. Also, I have to find their face attractive, it’s sad but true, because if I am not excited in the least about your appearance, it’s hard to get to the real stuff that actually does matter in person. Pets, kids, smoker… None of that matters in my opinion, but I also grew up with a smoker and hope to have several kids of my own. Deal breakers for me would be, like most, addiction to drugs or gambling even. Also poz or STD ridden guys aren’t my type, I personally am uncomfortable being in a sexual relationship with somebody who has any of those.

  • I won’t date a guy who doesn’t use drugs or one who’d judge me or my friends for using them.

  • As a guy with kids, I’m glad a lot of you don’t want to date a guy like me because my kids keep me grounded and respectful to others. We wonder why there is such an issue in this country with marriage (civil) right when you guys (gay) are the ones with major issues that reinforce the non-gay dumbies in the world to feel we are less than. What is really interesting is when most of you guys get a bit older you are gonna want to marry the one you love and OMG have kids. Funny!

  • A liar.

  • It’s all shit’s and giggles till someone giggles and shit’s!

  • Gotta go with the “dogs” and “smokers” as my deal breaker(s). And heaven help the dude that has/does both. Dated one guy that fit the bill and while it took a lot of effort for me to look past both, I had to compete with his insecurities as well! No thanks. Relationships are work but if they’re meant to be, it doesn’t take THAT much work. #NeverAgain

  • My deal breaker: slutty guys.. The other .05 percent if you’re too gay I don’t want you.

  • A republican

  • I won’t bore you with a huge lists of dislikes, so i’ll keep it simple and say that my deal breaker is someone who has a huge list of things that they don’t like about someone without even giving them a chance to prove themselves one way or another. Guys who just can’t keep from playing head games (lier’s) bother me. I try to remain positive that this site can be used for connecting with other like minded men.

  • Wow, let s see I’m a father who is almost 40 want a dog , and go to the park, not to pick up men so i guess it would have to be no drugs (weed cool) only on the porch not in the house.

  • Deal breakers: I just think if you have deal breakers than your not giving a person a chance to show who they are: you came into it with predetermined ideas, and believe me I heard them all, ( don’t get upset) but I have been told I don’t date black men , I don’t date people who don’t like what I like, I don’t date people my friends don’t like., and on and on. And you wonder why most gay men are single, everyone has there deal breaker, oh mine ? Can’t deal with someone who’s not honest with me.

  • not barebacking is a dealbreaker.

  • I found all these entries absolutely fascinating! By the end I had re-thought some of my own attitudes and choices and of course had added a couple of things to the list that I wouldn’t have thought of myself! I’ve been with my partner for over 53 years, so I’ve learned [and observed] a lot and I know that my list is as set in stone as any on here [such as smokers; it took me over 20 yrs to finally quit and I can't stand to be around it any longer than it takes to suck his dick]. I’ve never understood some of the ism’s [age, race etc.]. Even as a young’un I was attracted to people on a surprisingly broad basis, apparently by some sort of ‘chemistry’ –whatever that actually means! I HAVE found that an open LTR often provides more stability and less jealousy and more trust in the process! Men are not monogamous by nature unless they’re undersexed, and often not even then… most of your choices, though, seem to be based on personal experience and honest likes and dislikes — who can argue with that?? Love to you all…

    P.S. If my guy dies before I do, I don’t think I’ll be terribly desperate about finding someone new — having been this lucky once in a lifetime enough even if I get lonely!

  • First, let’s differentiate between ‘deal breakers’ for a hookup versus date. Hook up? Go ahead and be as superficial as you want. Relationship, you may want to reconsider some of your requirements.

    The goal of a relationship is to find someone to love you, warts and all. Now, some of y’all are clearly loving the idea of finding someone without a dark side. I hate to break it to y’all, but you are clearly delusional. Prince charming does not exist. If you expect someone to stick around when your seedy underside rears it’s ugly head, you may want to make yourself a bit more open to the idea that you’ll have to return the favor.

    Love is not a ensured to us. We are lucky if we find it. There are people that walk this world for a lifetime without so much as a glimpse at love. We can ask for love, we can search it out. And to turn it away because it comes in a shape we aren’t expecting or to close ourselves off to love because it’s not specific enough for us…that’s an insult. Those who turn away the gifts that life has to offer surely does not deserve them.

  • I am a big stickler for good peronsal hygiene: taking a bath, brushing teeth, those essential things. I wouldn’t want to date someone who had very nice teeth, but horrible breath odor and loves to kiss you with his tongue. Hygiene is my biggest pet peeve. I was with this guy once, and he is extremely attractive. He wanted me to give him some head and I couldn’t. The odor was terrible and his penis looked dirty. He smelled just like an old septic tank. We tried to get together several times. Same problem.

  • My deal breaker? A living stereotype

  • Smoking, been in Jail, drugs, lives with his mother, has kids, all deal breakers.

  • Awesome comments, guys. Someone pointed out the obvious rule of reversal: For every deal-breaker there is the reverse out there: A smoker may not be comfortable dating a non-smoker, an out of shape guys may not want to date a gym-bunny, a dog-owner may not want to date, well … me. LOL

    Long story short: After wading through the ever-deepening pool of deal breakers, there is always someone out there looking for someone just like you.

    Enzo AKA SoCalTuffGuy

  • lying …..on anything

  • Someone with long hair. I can’t stand the way a man looks with long hair. I am talking past the shoulder long hair.

  • I guess my deal breaker(s) would be no smokers and guys who just want to move from on guy to the next. I love my Latino men, so I’m kinda of prefer my guys to be Latino. It’s very hard for me.. to find any other ethnics attractive cause I know how humble and grateful they are.

  • an animal lover! i like animals but from a distance.

  • I broke up with someone after I found out he voted for Mitt Romney…
    he was a lot of fun & great sex…
    I might be a James Carville- type but he was definitely no Mary Matalin…

  • I don’t have a long list of Deal Breakers as I am a liberal thinker and can usually adjust to most situations. Appearance is important, but would not be a deal breaker. Most people have had the negative and positive of that(The HOT guy with the pretty face only to discover without clothes he has no body, flat butt, little dick, etc. Or the not so attractive guy that suprised with a HOT body, nice azz/dick and mad bedroom skills). So, appearence, good or bad, can be deceiving. My Deal Breaker for a relationship has to be Bi sexual, confused, or DL guys. If they are attracted to females in any way, it’s heart break waiting to happen. And overly feminine is also a Deal Breaker. I think I could adjust to most anything else.

  • EXCEPT FOR ONE, read the above list, and you will see why there are so many lonly people. were just talking about a date. There should be no deal breakers, you might miss the love of your life. because when someone falls in love, all change is possible. Sad lonly people–(

  • Ha. And this is why so many young and “perfect” gay men end up bitter washed-up queens who die alone.

    I’m falling in love now at age 30 with someone whose body type, status, profession, preferred sexual position are just SOME of the things that would all haven been immediate ‘i won’t even date you’ “dealbreakers” for me at age 29.

    But I knew something was there, so I kept an open mind and stuck around to get to know the PERSON behind all that. The person, it turns out, is beautiful and lovable in part because of our perceived incompatibilities. We teach each other things. He’s the yin to my yang. We put up with each others annoyances — big and small — and it makes us grow separately and together. And suddenly the superficial dealbreakers I thought mattered matter much less than our connection. A lesson learned: love is sticking arond “flaws” and all. So glad I’m learning it while I’m still young.

  • If someone won’t get into me being a piss pig and making sure I am constantly drinking his or someone he’s invites over,

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