4 Mar 2013

Speak Out : Your Friend Is Dating You Ex?

Category: Speak Out

Me and my ex are great friends now. Last night we went for dinner at this new Fish n Chips place. After paying our check, we got out and I saw one of my volleyball colleague right in front of the restaurant looking at the menu. So I talked to him “hey wassup”?! … my ex was beside me and he started to feel extremely shy all of a sudden! My volleyball colleague turned red as well….

So I didn’t want to say anything and suggest him to go try that new place and then me and my ex left… I asked my ex “why were you guys feeling weird and uncomfortable?” He then told me that he had 2 dates with him…

I was like ” Come. On! ” Very disappointed and grossed out!

I dont know, for me it is very inconceivable that my ex dates a “friend” I even find it gross… even more since me and my ex are very close friends, we even babysit each other’s dog when one of us is travelling, we pay for each other at the restaurant and we still give each other gifts for Christmas….

What should I do? Is my reaction normal?

Anonymous

70 comments for Speak Out : Your Friend Is Dating You Ex?

  • Quit being such a bitch about it

  • I’d say you freaked out over nothing… and so did they.

    If they were/are still dating, then you might be right in feeling a little odd about the situation… especially if you didn’t know.

  • I think it depends on your degree of friendship. A “volleyball colleague” does not sound like a friend, it sounds more like a buddy or acquaintance. Personally, I don’t think it’s fair of someone who is friends with their ex to expect that ex to avoid anyone you’ve every possibly met, worked with, or know.

    Now is this “volleyball colleague” is a very close friend of yours, it is right for you to expect him to ask your opinion on the matter before ever going behind your back and dating an ex.

    Just my opinion, for what it’s worth.

  • If you like him you should be with him. Otherwise let him be free. If he dumped you however, you can be upset, but i know i wouldnt be friends with anyone who did that to me.

  • Why? He is your EX isn’t he? Sounds like he’s moved on and you haven’t. I think it’s great that you have remained friends but do you really expect him to not date anyone else and not have a life? If you are truely friends you should be happy for him that he has maybe found someone while still being friends with you. If, on the other hand, you are secretly hoping you can get him back then are you really friends?

  • Sorry but this is going to come off rude, so brace yourself.
    Don’t make this about you! You don’t mention if they each knew about you when they met, but in any case if they want to date each other and you feel uncomfortable then cur your losses and end your friendship with your ex.
    I suspect that you still have some feelings for him because you are hurt that he is dating your colleague.
    Obviously, there is more to your story/ history, but I’m kinda getting the impression that if you care who your ex is dating it means something.

    I hope everything works out well for you, but you really have no say as to who your ex can date; because you should only see him as your friend and not an ex.

  • I see that you put friend in quotation marks. Is he just a friend or a friend with benefits. Secondly, does your “friend” know that you and your ex were an item prior to dating your ex? If the answer is yes, then I think your “friend” should have shown you the courtesy of letting you know and you have every right to feel uncomfortable. However, if the two of them had no clue as to what their relationship was with you then I think you are over reacting.

  • You know what in my honest opinion. I think it’s not irrational to think like that because I was put through a situation similar to this. But my ex went after my best friend and vice versa, but the messed up thing was that they both kept it a secret. So in honesty, no. You can be upset. But not too much as well because life has unhappy things in it and things happen for a reason.

  • I never date,hook up or what ever term one wants to use with my friends ex.My friends mean a great deal to me and I would never hurt a friend by dating his ex.I guess alot would have to do as to who asked who out.Did you friend ask your ex out or did your ex ask your friend out.which ever they have both taken your feelings for granted.At this point you need to decide who to forgive,your ex ,your friend or both.However they both need to be talked to and made to understand how they have both hurt you.Myself I would forgive my ex if we are that close before I will forgive my friend.I never forgive a friend that hooks up with my ex.My friends should always put my feelings first as I put their feelings first.For me friends should NEVER date their friends ex.

  • You should get over it. It’s not your place nor is it any one else’s to say who you friends can and can’t date.
    How is it gross that your friend is dating your ex? What if they have great chemistry and had a great time? Are they supposed to ignore it because you and your ex couldn’t make it work between each other?

  • I think your reaction is completely normal. There are the unsaid rules of friendship which are you do not date your friends ex they are just off limits. Mainly bc it causes to much emotional hostility. Id suggest dropping both of them. If they want each other let them have each other. And another thing I think you should move on from your ex he seems to me to be gettining everything from you just not the relationship.. For your best interest I suggest you to move on to someone or something new. Bc seeing your ex happy with someone else let alone a good friend will only make matters worse. There will be ppl who will say no out won’t. Or that real adults wouldn’t care but those ppl are lying to themselves they care its human nature and if they didn’t care id question of they loved or cared for there ex at all

  • If this guy is really your ex, you should’ve drawn a few lines between the two of you. All the babysitting and gifts implies one of you doesn’t know how to be an ex, and the other hasn’t let go. Don’t ask him obvious questions–that’s just being dramatic. And keep your extracurricular sex lives out of the conversation–especially if you all are still that close. Are you guys lovers or not?

    My two cents fwiw.

  • You need to get over it!! If you are such good friends with your ex then you should be happy for him. As gay guys our options are limited, stop being a drama queen and let your ex/friends live their own life. If I were your ex I would cut you out of my life for being such a bitch about it.

  • nothing he’s ur ex both of u move on ..

  • You need to get over it!! If you are such good friends with your ex then you should be happy for him. As gay guys our options are limited, stop being a drama queen and let your ex/friends live their own life. If I were your ex I would cut you out of my life for being such a drama queen.

  • He’s your ex for a reason. You don’t have exclusive rights to any friends or dates. Grow up and move on. This type of pettiness gives all gays a bad name.

  • Gary : Ok because YOU think that’s the way to do, it is THE BEST way to do right ?

  • He a ex and he a friend I don’t think he a close friend so let it go. your ex is going to meet someone and you will be the one that will be in middle. So if you want to get back with your ex tell him and work it out, if not then be his friend and be happy for who he seeing.

  • I know it hurts that your ex is dating a friend of yours. but he is your ex and maybe it is time to cut down the time you spend with each other.

  • You are quite vague on just how close a friendship this was as you characterized this person as only being your volleyball associate. That in and of itself suggests this isn’t a close friendship if it’s really even considered much of one, so in that circumstance I say move on. Had you said this person was your friend and you both had each other’s backs in just about everything you can count on in true friendships my thought would have been different. But under the circumstances you give and the manner you framed the situation, my thought to you is just move on and let your ex live his life because it’s sounding like to me that you figure your ex isn’t supposed to get over you and have any form of a romantic and sex life after you which is quite selfish regardless of which one of you initiated the breakup.

  • I have read some of the comments and some are pretty Narrow Minded and One sided. Some are even hell bent and bitter over their break ups….

    Here’s the thing. Each situation is Different.

    If the two who broke up are friends at the time of the break up and are still friends 6 months later Perhaps it might be ok. For me if a friend wanted to date someone I broke up with 6 months down the line thats fine with me. If they have chemistry so be it.

    I think there are a few situations where dating your friends X is ok…

    1. Your friend and their X weren’t together for very long usually less than a year…. You should still wait 6 months tho before thinking about dating them. Respect your friend!

    2. your friend and his X broke up, but it was a mutual and Friendly break up. They decide to just be good friends only, Non-sexual. It’s rare but it does happen.

    For me personally any other situation I would not even think to date a friends X!

  • It’s not like your ex knew he was your friend or vice versa. This is over reaction at its worse. People date. Get over it & still be a great friend to both!

  • Your ex doesn’t get to tell you who to fuck. That’s a rule, everyone knows.

  • Your best bet it to pay it no mind and move on. The truth of the matter is its a small world we live in, and if your pretty popular/well known ib the gay community this is bound to happen. Dont let it get to you, it probably won’t last(lol) so move on.

  • Hey, no big deal. My ex and I remain friends even after I discovered that my current f/b was with my ex while we were still together. The current f/b didn’t know about me at the time so he is totally off the hook. As it worked out we had a three way a week before my ex’s wedding. His hubby doesn’t know but somehow I don’t my ex is gonna change much. Seeing as how you refer to him as an ex, I don’t see much reason for you to complain or feel awkward, nor should they.

  • A lot of you guys are cold and heartless telling this guy to get over it! I get tough love, but that comes from someone you already know.. Thus the “love.” This guy had his feelings hurt. I would never date my friends ex because I love my friends first… Not a new boy toy!! Have some morals and values for God’s sake!! It does feel shitty to see two people who you know separately coming together and starting a new relationship, only to be left out. Now they are seeing each other and you gotta be available for them only when they aren’t with each other. That doesn’t feel good at all. And if it seemed ok at first with these guys, then after they find out your feelings, if they continue to make you uncomfortable, then you know their true colors!!! Good luck man!! This world we live in is tricky!!

  • If he is an ex, then he is an ex, and you have nothing to say about that aspect of his life anymore. Heck, a guy that I used to date, even set me up with a friend of his, and that friend and I have been together ever since (going on 14 years)…

    The previous guy and I were done with each other, even though he did express interest in me, once I was dating his friend (it did not happen)…

    I think it’s time for you to move on and let him see whomever he wishes without any restrictions from you. Just my 2 cents.

  • Get over it. If I were to try to avoid everyone my ex is friends with and/or slept with (no difference really, LOL) I’d have to move to another planet.

  • He’s your ex for a reason.

  • Sounds like a good opportunity for a three way. You all like each other be modern.

  • Jill Scott wrote a song about this. Like Drew said, you need to learn how to be an ex.

  • So, you do everything that a couple does without the sex (or so I assume). That isn’t an ex, that is an open relationship. This whole “being friends with your ex” thing is BS. If you can still be friends after the news drops then you weren’t in a relationship. It isn’t a popular pov but then again real gay relationships also aren’t as popular as folks like to think. If, somehow, you are friends with somebody that you were completely vulnerable to for a time you owe it to them to be a friend and butt the fuck out.

  • Sounds to me like your jealous….. Are you sure you don’t want your ex back ? Or maybe your”friend” ?

  • I think you are way out of line. He is your ex and who he date is none of your business. when we have leftover feelings after a relationship it might seem slightly normal to feel a little hurt when they move on, but move on is what’s you both need to do. friendship with your ex’s is great as long as you remember the what you have now is friendship not a relationship

  • Well my delima was that I had a very close friend that instead of comin gout and telling me that he and my at the time boyfriend had something going on, they pack up and move back to Ft Myers and back in to the place my ex and I used to live at together and they dated for a very short while. Because I beleive in Karma, and that she can be a huge BITCH, it worked out that thier relationship was doomed because it started on nothing but lies and decite (spelling). 6 months in to the relationship, they fought constantly and violently that they were evicted and forced to pay for the busted walls, windows, and doors, each spent time in jail for domestic disturbance and the ex moved to GA while the ex friend moved to KY. Was I bitter, HELL NO, I figured because of the crap they put themselves through, why should I care, I moved on and ended up with a guy that I am have been HAPPILY with for 10 years now. I look back on the EX and I would say I would thank him for what he did, then I realize, he didn’t do shit, I did the work of finding my man on my own. I also realized that when Steven wanted to be friends about a year later and drove up to say hey, there was a catch, after I had made a life investment, cars, a mortgage payment, and great job, and my man, he was jealous of Ron and what he and I had together, that Steven felt should have been ours but screwed that up. He became like the unwanted houseguest, stayed 2 weeks until I told Ron I wanted him out. He didn’t want to leave until I went back with him (DRAMA FROM HELL). I knew then how much I was loved by Ron, when he didn’t give Steven the option after that, and soon he was out and gone from our lives. They are called EX’es for a reason. Ex BFs should stay just that, no friendship no relationship, period, it only places you in a bad spot on down the road. If they didn’t know how good they had it the first time, then tuff shit. If you broke it off, then get over it and let them move on. Poeple who are too hung up on thier ex’s are not over them and they really sound and look stupid doing all this belly aching. WIPE YOUR HANDS CLEAN AND STRAT A NEW LIFE. You will be glad you did.

  • This happened to me years ago and It still upsets me when I think About it I came home to find them in bed together Oh I was livid we had broken up already. Some lines should not be crossed.

  • Awkward? Yes. But, I doubt that either of them intend to hurt you. I’m guessing that you consider them both good people. So, let them have their time. Be happy for them (or at least try). Not to take away from your issue, but two of my exes have dated before. It bothered me at first. But, I knew it wouldn’t last. And it didn’t. I literally walked into a bar and took one from the other.

  • i dont really care! i was so happy thinking that all these blogs from other readers and seemingly anonymous peeps was a sign that dave, the idiot, who’s been in the position of controlling this blog, appears to be out of the pic…until i saw his annoyingly asshole-y reply to gary above only confirms that the fuckhead actually is still around. ugh! dave, could u please just go away and leave this blog to someone with some brains who actually know, and care, about what theyre doing. ur a total waste of oxygen! again, u wont print this but if u’ve seen it, then my work here is done!

  • If your friend is dating someone, you should be happy for him. If your ex is dating someone, you should be happy for him if he’s still a friend or not care because he is your ex. In both cases here, you’re being a terrible friend. In the second, you are not being a good ex either.

    Otherwise, there’s an expectation that every friend of yours can never date anyone you have ever dated. How realistic is that?

    Yes, the new dynamic might seem weird at first, but that shouldn’t be any different than your working out how you’d fit in with any new guy either of them dated. In this particular case, play you cards right (badly) and you’ll lose them both.

  • What the author failed to mentioned is: He is still strewing his ex!

  • Cut both of them off and save urself the time, headache, and heartache.

    If its bothering u and not them. That’s a problemo and obviously they ain’t think a out u before dating.

    So move on to something better and be happy!!

  • NEVER remain friends with your ex. They’re your ex for a reason. Problem solved. Friends with your ex?! Does this guy not get it?!

  • Well if its a close friend, I wouldn’t freak out. I mean Idk how cool i’d be about it. It’s a loyalty thing, Buuuuuut…if you like set them up, like I did with my ex and another friend of mine, then nah, no worries.

  • You think that’s bad? My boyfriend cheated on me with my ex (first love).

  • It might upset you but get over it. Let go. Let love do it’s thing cuz if you hold onto whatever that so-called relationship you will never be happy.

  • i think some lines should never be crossed, and dating my friend’s ex is one of them, there is a straight saying that says bro’s before hoe’s, and the same is true in our community. Unless in my previous situation I was introduced to my friend’s ex by my friend, he felt like we would be better suited for each other then they were, and it actually worked and my friend was really happy for us, but that is a unique situation. I am still friends with both of them even though the guy i was introduced to I did not work out. It seems to me that you still have hidden feelings for your ex, because a colleague is not a “friend” just someone you know or share a common interest…let them date, but you still have hidden feelings for the ex it is clear, and you need to address them with him first before you get angry at him or the other guy.

  • Here’s to great sex and the best friend who aint getting any…My friend had more regrets than the ex did he even went as far as to ask why I stayed with the guy so long since he was such a jerk and so boring in bed.

    I just sat back and laughed at the whole thing.

  • quite a few details are missing and based off what you did write, i’d say ALL involved got weird for NO REASON…. you said it was your friend, not his,, and no mention of him knowing it was your friend was in the story…….did you friend know ALL the details of your relationship and why it didn’t work out, and he STILL went out w/ your x,,, hmmm,, see that would be better journalism or blogging i’d say………. i’ve had EVERY friend i’ve EVER had in the gay community GO AFTER my x at one time or another EVEN though they know he treated me like shit, cheated on me, and was horrible to me.. .MEN are pigs, MEN are to sexual for their own good and THAT would be weird,, THAT weired me out. My own relative went on a date w/ him after i poured my heart to him about how my relationship was falling apart…….

    the gay community for as large as it is, IS VERY SMALL, and men will go after ANYONE they see as available and are attracted to REGARDLESS of who they’ve dated or had sex w/ before and i’ve learned it the hard way,,,,,,,

  • I dated my best friends ex and we had a falling out for a little bit over it. He hadn’t dated the guy in over two years and they were only together for a year. My argument about all this was why should all the guys he dated be off limits for eternity. My best friend has dated a lot of guys. My best friends ex and I developed our relationship over a year of us doing volunteer work together. My best friend was upset because he felt that as a friend I shouldn’t be dating his ex and tthat went against best friend code. I explained that it had been over two since they were together and he had dated other guys since. I didn’t agree because we are adults not middle school girls. I asked if he still had feeling for him and if so I would not pursue anything. He said several times that he didn’t so I went ahead with what I was doing. He still had no valid reason for being against us dating other than saying, “that’s my ex and I wouldnt date your ex.” After about two months of not speaking I couldn’t stand it anymore because we have been friend since elementary school. I reached out and told him we had to move past it. He got his feelings out and I got mine out and we are the best of friends still. I’m also still with my boyfriend going on 3 years now.

  • Friends are often attracted to the same music, food and People! It’s natural! Nobody owns another person’s spirit or look. So even if may be uncomfortable, just stuff it, and
    I do think you can share it and explain it, giving your friend an option to grad your fallings! End of story!

    Of Coarse,:This is a sane approach without passion LOL Not always the case!

  • NEVER stay friends with your ex. They’re your ex for a reason.

  • Some people love sloppy seconds :P

  • If anyone hasn’t mentioned it yet….I wonder if they weren’t doing something while you were dating. let’s be real, and you know what I’m talking about. If there is an attraction now there was when you were dating your ex. So…

    Hate to bring it up but I’ve seen it too many times.

  • This is like childish high school drama. Completely immature to even bring up the topic. People can date whoever they like. If it troubles someone then they need to get some mental help.

  • You share this note on public ‘dating site’, of course everyone do each other, who cares your friends or my friends. Just accept it.

  • Suck it up Betty. It is great that you and the ex are friends but I don’t see why he can’t have a life with out you butting in. Is there some reason they can’t date and you still be friends?

  • get this- i become friends with people who my ex lover(s) sleeps with or has a relationship with. lol

  • Perhaps the reason he is your ex is because you were too controlling and smothered the relationship. Learn from this experience, cut your losses, and move on!!!

  • To Chace: Yeah I told him to get over it because he was wishy washy on how close a friendship this was with the guy his ex dated. He called this guy his volleyball colleague, which doesn’t necessarily imply this is a close friendship that his ex knew of. The way he phrased this connection makes it sound more like an occasional acquaintance than a friendship of the nature where somebody usually says do or die I’m there for you through anything. Had he described the friendship that way then yeah I’d be more inclined to say his ex made a jerky move. But when it comes to an occasional acquaintance then no, I stick by my original observation that he’s expecting his ex not to over their breakup or move on in his love life. And that’s a selfish and unrealistic expectation to have of anybody if you chose to go down that road of staying friends after the end of the relationship.

  • In friendship there is a degree of loyalty. If this “volleyball colleague” is just that, then he owes you nothing and it is a moot point that he is or was seeing your ex. If this “volleyball colleague” is more of a good friend whom you have a close relationship with then it’s wrong that he would do that an you should confront him in a sensible and mature manner; let him know it bother you that he is seeing your ex.
    Prime example my ex and I work together; it was a messy clean-up. When I found out another coworker and him were seeing each other, I was irritated but kept tight lipped, neither of them owed me a thing. But when I later found out my best friend/roommate was trying to initiate a “relationship” with my ex I was livid and hurt by my friends actions and had a talk with him…. it’s all about th degree of loyalty owed to each other in a friendship.

  • I just had this problem recently with my friends. I didn’t know why I felt a type of way about it. But it was on my mind too much that I couldn’t sleep. The best thing to do is to talk to one of them about it. Get everything off your chest and say how you feel. But understand this though: Your not dating either one of them, and they are both grown people. Just try and be a supporting friend and try to get the awkwardness and weirdness away so maybe 1 day, all 3 of you can hang out as friends.

  • Haha.. lmao.. just call it sloppy seconds & live, laugh & learn how shady & fake… not to mention desperate! Bitches are these days! Trying to make yu out the bad guy! Haha! ! Let karma play her roll! ;)~

  • It seem to me you still have feeling for your ex. The reason I say that is because I’m really good friend with my ex and I could careless of who that fucker fucks… and we do the same things you said and when very drunk we even fuck.The point is I care for him but I don’t have those feelings for him, and I don’t care who he dates… AT LEAST HE TOLD YOU THE TRUTH WHICH MEANS HE UNDERSTANDS WHER YIU ALL STAND. DO YOU?

  • My opinion….ex and friends dont date. It sucks yea…but its one of the rules. The world isnt so small that one cant find a date that once was in a relationship with one of his friends. Weird, but I would think that your friend would have been turned off by your ex simply because he is your ex….but then thats just how I roll.

  • I’ve been affected by many (okay, Most) of the scenarios presented here. I believe after a breakup, there needs to be a very long time of healing to enjoy the “great friends with the Ex” status. There’s also tons of missing info in this story before we can advise him; and we’ve all been actors in these sharply pointed roles of the Bizarre Love Triangle!! Ya know?
    Two things to help any person in these situations: 1) Smile at them with hopeful blessings, because most likely it won’t work out for more than a week anyway. 2) Remember, “TWO TEARS IN A BUCKET – THEN MUTHA FUCK IT!

  • Yes there are a few gaps in the original post but some of the replies are just way too harsh! This ‘whatever dog- eat- dog’ attitude which in most cases is considered dysfunctional, is in part why we have the issues in our so called community. :-)
    Just because we have fewer options don’t mean we can’t have some boundaries or respect. That’s a human thing not straight or gay. Each case is different but at some point u have to rise above your feelings even if they were both aware of their link to you before dating. If that was the case I can see where yr coming from. Say what you need to say to clear the air but then leave them too it. We aren’t in control of anyone’s behaviour. Personally I’d be less involved in yr ex’s life as you don’t need to prove yr over him by trying to be his best friend. Been there done that! :-)

  • Based off their reactions I would say that they both were aware of the relationship you had with each. Honestly I’m not sure why you guys are exes because you seem like a couple from what you describe. Move on from the ex completely or get back together. One last thing you are entitled to your feelings. If it makes you feel bad then say it and move on.

  • Close friend or not, this is an extremely childish and selfish thing to be angry about. I never cared about friends dating exes. The past is the past. If they make each other happy, I’d feel selfish making a big fuss just because I don’t like it. If it was a particularly painful breakup, then I’d at least appreciate a heads-up, but I have no right to dictate anyone’s dating life. Believe it or not, the world doesn’t revolve around you.

  • Look, there’s a big difference between your ex dating a “volleyball friend” and your best friend!

    Pardon me for sounding a bit like a dime store psychologist, but have you REALLY, REALLY, REALLY moved on from your ex? I’m betting the feeling wasn’t “gross” it was JEALOUSY!

    You’re projecting your feelings on your ex’s life and making a judgment and then looking to others to validate your feelings.

    Sorry my friend. You’re way off base.

    Oh, and perhaps you should also “check” yourself emotionally. And do it sooner than later. Because if you think THIS situation is bad, think about when your ex really DOES get in another LTR and your Ex’s new BF starts getting uncomfortable with how “close” you two are. Or worse, your ex starts pulling away from you because he’s in a new LTR.

    Time to break the ties that bind. Cut the emotional cord wtih him and move on. THIS IS GAY DRAMA AT IT’S FINEST! (Gay Drama: Making more of something than is remotely necessary.)

  • Just because you fucked somebody for a while, doesn’t mean you own them….Till the end of time? LETS GET REAL !
    Hay it’s a big ocean , somebody is always somebody’s EX! Possessive’ love doesn’t work anyway…We don’t own anybody and it causes a lot of pain and strife!

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