My name is Demetre, I’m 22 years old and was diagnosed with both HIV and Major Depression. I sometimes find it hard to want to continue living because of so many mean jerks in this world when it comes to my HIV status. I know the old saying “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” but some words can hit you harder than any stone might.
I found out I was positive on Jul 25th 2011, the week before my birthday and that day forever changed my life. It started the previous year. I had a friend offer me a place to stay so I could get away from my family. When my mom found out, she told me it wasn’t my decision to make. We then got into an argument but it didn’t last long. I was still adamant about leaving and so we got into another argument, this one resulting in my brother putting me in a choke hold to the point i couldn’t breath and me calling the police.
They took me to the hospital and I explain some things to them. And they keep me all night. The next day I found out im being involuntarily committed to basically be watched. They keep me for a week giving me medicine to see how it works for me and after that week I was able to leave, but I didn’t want to because for the first time in my life I felt like people actually cared about me. So a month after this my mom and I got into another argument. She is the type of person that likes to control every aspect of life of everyone around her and I got tired of it and told her. She brought my granddad in and he sides with everything she says and she ended up kicking me out the house. I’m sitting outside for about an hour trying to figure out where I’m going to go til I remember a co worker told me that week if I ever needed her help to give her a call. Its 12 at night but I called her. She came to pick me up and took me to a relative’s house. It was there I had a lot of freedom. So I started having sex. In a way I was being defiant even though my mom didnt know what I was doing. But it was also a way to cope with depression.
I was going out week after week. Unprotected and protected sex. I wasn’t thinking back then because even though I was in a new living environment, things weren’t getting any better. So I left there and ended up back at home with my parents again. It was then I found out I was positive. My life was completely over and I had written my death sentence. I was naive. I actually believed that when people said they were HIV negative, that they were telling the truth. I never though that people lied about such a thing. It’s still hard to believe now. Being HIV positive isn’t the death sentence it used to be or how some people think it is. Its a life changer but for me, change for the better. But then there are those who make me feel like dirt. For a while now I was feeling very depressed because barely anyone would talk to me. They see my profile and either block me or ignore any of my messages which 9 times out of 10 was something friendly asking them how they were doing. So I decided to put a bunch of nude pics up of myself just to see what would happen. And the same guys I tried to get to talk to me, were sending me messages non stop.
Some days I feel sexy as hell because I have on something that makes me feel that way but then I dont get noticed by anyone so then I feel like im ugly and unwanted. I guess my one question to anyone who reads this is…Is HIV a reason not to get to know a person for who they are? This is the question that has eluded me for years due to the multiple amount of people who have blocked me.
Demetre (A4A member)
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