5 Sep 2013

Speak Out : Appearance

Category: Speak Out

Weeks ago I wrote an article about equality. Not just equality of America or the equality between heterosexual vs. homosexual. But the general equality that we as humans treat each other with and how we as a “community” cannot function or ask for equal rights when there are internal struggles being fought in our tiny population on how we mistreat and judge people, based solely on appearance.

One of these struggles is the complete ignorance of a chunk of our population and complete lack of support for these people because they’re different, in ways they never asked to be. I’m talking about the disabled.

While wandering the internet I came across (not literally) a gay erotica comic writer named Dale Lazarov. Now what drew me to Dale was not the hot cover illustrations, but the subject that was on the cover of Nightlife #4 which shows a sex scene between two “attractive” men, one of which is in and then later taken out of a wheelchair by his sexy hook-up. Dale is an amazingly talented writer and his erotica is brilliant, I suggest indulging in some. Dale and his artist Bastian Jonsson and Yann Duminil really made an impact on me to see this sensual and passionate hook-up between two men, one of which you typically don’t think of sexually, but why not?

From a young age I’ve grown up around people with disabilities. Ranging from unnoticeable schizophrenics, or even the very large homosexual deaf community, to people with noticeable disabilities like Cerebral Palsy or our brave wounded soldiers, and could only be kept in awe and wonder at the amazing life they have lived and will live. But then I started to talk to some of them about their experiences and about how people treat them and then eventually moved onto conversations about their sex lives.

A lot of them admitted that they didn’t have much sex because they were deemed “unattractive” or were just blatantly ignored because their disability made it too awkward for people to meet with them in public because they didn’t know how to deal with it. But then while trying to find better examples of physical freedom no matter the disability and I found Bryan.

I found Bryan on xtube, with his username Igethotguys. At the time Bryan had videos of himself having sex with men and having a great time going about it. I highly recommend going to his profile and read his amazing story of his disability and how he’s overcome being cast out by the gay community for something he was born with. But here’s an excerpt

“Hello, my name is Bryan and this is my story, I share this with you in hopes to shed some light on some of my hardships and why I have felt lost in this world and out of touch with my gay peers. I know I am not the only gay man with bouts of depression from feeling isolated by the gay community because we all know just how rude and judgmental Gay men can be but inside I know inside my heart that not all Gays are heartless and shallow, there are as many bad gay men just as there are bad straight people… or at least that’s what my straight friends tell me LOL but what do they know… they’re straight, they’ve never seen how cruel our kind can be, I really shouldn’t say “Our” because those mean people do not represent me as a Gay man but it does represent a large majority of gays. I know that gay men can be cruel, I have been affected by this. “

Could you pick up a guy in a bar that was in wheelchair? Worst of all would he let you, or would he think you were playing a sick joke?

In 2002 there was a lot of controversy surrounding the movie Pumpkin, which starred Christina Ricci as a popular “Normal” sorority girl who ended up falling in love with a disabled athlete that she was helping train for a disabled sporting event. A moving and empowering film that to this day is one of my favorites to show that love, truly can be found anywhere and is a blind force.

It showed how it was acceptable in society to treat the disabled with common courtesy and respect, but that progressing further is a social taboo that can shatter people’s perception not only about disability, but loving the disabled in ways that make people feel uncomfortable.

Why do they not deserve the same physical and emotional love that you have or crave? Are they not our brothers and sisters? Are they not members of the human race? Don’t they get horny and crave and need the touch and feel of another’s naked flesh pressed against them?

Now, I am not writing this to start an argument or controversy, but to spread awareness and empower those who are ignored or treated different.

I am writing this to let you know that people are people. We are all amazing and we are all beautiful and nothing gives anyone the right to declare or claim otherwise.

So next time you see someone at a gay bar or get a message online from someone that is different, why not just hold a conversation with them? What is the harm in getting to know someone who is “attractive” or “unattractive” based solely on the skewed standards of a society like America? For all you know they could be the man of your dreams.

Drake aka Crayak

46 comments for Speak Out : Appearance

  • I think it will be hot to hook up with a guy who is disabled, I kind of have a fantasy about hooking up with a guy in a wheelchair and giving him the best blow job and hole to fuck that he will never forget it.

  • While I do agree wholeheartedly that discrimination against any marginalized group of people is something that needs changing asap, I can’t help but think that maybe it is just in basic human nature to discriminate against those who are disabled. In the wild for example, the male suitor who is the strongest and has the most physical appeal will be who the female chooses to have her offspring with. The weak are unfortunately left out. It is also known as Darwin’s Survival of the Fittest. Those who are strongest will reproduce to pass on their genetics, and those who are not, well you know what happens. And yes I think that is terrible.

  • I thought you would go into a much more diverse conversation here. While the disabled are certainly treated very poorly within the community, this goes a lot deeper than this group, which is perhaps a very small part of the ‘differences’. What about the issues between ‘fat, fem, and only ‘insert certain race’ ‘ type personalities that are by far WAY more prevalent than hating on disabled. Why aren’t we discussing why we’re hating on people who don’t have the perfect body (morbidly obese, sure I can see how you wouldn’t like that, but why does someone have to have a six pack, especially when they can work out at anytime)? Why does someone have to be masculine to the point of being considered ‘straight acting’? Skin tone? Well, given that can’t change, why should it matter? I’m sorry but supposed ‘preference’ aside, there are gorgeous and ugly in each race.

  • I agree because I have bipolar depression adhd and I sometimes get panic attacks but im a nice guy but some people wont even say anything back after u message them and I hate that :(

  • Sure, why not? I’m a chest and arms guy so find some guys in chairs very appealing… I’ve also seen any number of the “wounded warriors” that get a big thumbs up. Anyone out there in Chicago that matches, hit me up. 9forU

  • I worked with a variety of disabled folks of all ages for my entire career, so I see them as individuals anyway. I think it would be hot, actually. There are a few guys in wheelchairs in my area, but I haven’t approached them because of age differences, not disability. Would love to play with them, though!

  • Drake.- Brian’s story is the story that requires to be mentioned over and over, because unfortunately we live in a society that listens NOW but forgets IMMEDIATELY, when those stories should be retain in our souls and brains, and modify our DAILY attitude towards, individuals, who RIGHT are only asking for understanding and just a little of emotional closeness, and YES they belong to our community, to our society, to our world, and need the same RESPECT and LOVE than anybody else!!!
    Let’s be more conscientious of our conduct and behavior towards the people surrounding us, in a daily basis!!!!!

  • IN LEATHER,S/M BAR,THE TOOL BOX IN TORONTO…
    NOTICED A VERY WELL DEVELOPED YOUNG MANboy,BARECHESTED WITH A PAIR OF NIPS THAT HAD ME DROOLING,AND MY FINGERS FLEXING TO GET AT THEM.
    I APPROACHED HIM,AND NOTICED THAT HE WAS IN A WHEEL CHAIR.
    SEEING THAT ,I WENT BEHIND THE CHAIR,REACHED OVER HIS SHOULDERS,AND BEGN TO EXPERTLY WORK HIS WELL WORKED NIPPLES.
    THOSE BEAUTIES DIDNT GET THAT WAY BY BEING KISSED!
    WITHIN A N=MINUTE,I HAD HIM OBVIOUSLY HARD,AND MOANING IN PLEASURE…
    WITH THAT,THIS QUEEN COMES OVER AND YELLS OUT
    “STOP THAT,CAN’T YOU SEE THIS GUY IS HANDICAPPED?
    THE MANboy,IN AN EQUALLY LOUD VOICE SHOUTED AT THE QUEEN,”THE ONLY HANDICAP I HAVE ARE ASSHOLES LIKE YOU!”
    TURNED TO ME AND SAID,”PLEASE SIR, MORE HARDER!!!!”
    HE GOT HIS REQUEST AND I HAD A NEW NIPPLE MANboy.
    LOOK THE PLEASURE I WOULD HAVE MISSED IF I DISMISSED THIS WORTHY PLAYER JUST BECAUSE HE WAS IN A WHEEL CHAIR.

  • gays in general are rude, i do what and whom i choose to do it with regardless of what others think. i enjoy life and being critical of others, disability or not, is not my style. and if there is an attraction there, it’s the person i want to be with. sure, things can be a challenge but so is life.

  • I once picked up a very handsome guy in a wheelchair. I had to learn to even take the wheels off to put the chair in a cab…

    and it was sensational sex. Glad I did it.

  • Because this is a sex site the best way to help disabled people is to have sex with them. But acknowledging them or listening to them or supporting public policies that benefit them are also ways to help them.

  • I’am sure being shallow does tend to ware on you at some point. Having a disability shouldn’t stop you from living life, and having amazing sex. Just consider how you would feel being rejected because of the way you look, dress, race, age, etc. When you meet someone you find attractive by your standards only helps you broaden the scope of possibilities. See the beauty in all people.

  • I wholeheardtly agree! Why do most people (men) treat those that are not the same looking, apprearance, age, etc. like they are ‘lepers’. Shouldn’t we all treat people with respect that we all deserve?!!

  • Pumpkin made me cry my eyes out!

  • It’s only natural for people to want to feel normal among their peers and it’s only natural for people to want to find mates who are as normal as they feel they are.

    Calling people names or accusing them of being rude, shallow and or ignorant serves no good purpose when attempting to educate them.

    This practice of attempting to shame people into being educated about a topic; by calling them names and making accusations only highlights the fact that those who are attempting to educate this way are no better than what names they are calling others and the accusations they are making in their dysfunctional way of attempting to educate.

  • I don’t have a problem dating a guy with special needs :-P

  • I agree with this article so much. I can relate to this in so many ways, I am 23y.o. black gay male in Atlanta, GA, I have been gay every since I was 15, came out to friends at that age, but I didn’t come out to my Mom until I was 21 (going on 22). All I will say is this, gay people can be so mean and cruel. I am a somewhat attractive guy. I’m not your Chris Brown (maybe your Frank Ocean), but none the less, I am not a very ugly person at all. I have a nice personality (I would like to think). And I still have had the most difficult time having gay friends and boyfriends in my life. Most gay people here in Atlanta are superficial, they are into sex and the clubs. If you don’t look like a supermodel you don’t fit in here in the social scene that we have. I visit all of the Black Gay Clubs in the city, and I can tell you that people no longer base you off of your sexual position, effiminate behavior, or anything like that. Now, it’s all about how you look. Instead of looking at what the person is on the inside. We need more groups to help gay men especially, with self-esteem issues, That is why I think most people do raw sex. They think low of themselves, because of the way our own community treats us. I don’t have a disability, but because I don’t look like a movie star, that doesn’t mean that I am any less of a person. I may not be anyone’s first choice, but I am a GREAT CHOICE! Me and my boyfriend have now been together for 2yrs so keep looking, these is a Mr. Right for all of us out there….

  • Bravo!

  • Having been in an automobile accident myself and now on S.S. Disability, I can totally relate. I was just sitting in my car waiting for traffic to move and I was rear-ended by a car and a U-Haul truck. I was diagnosed with Severe Depressive Disorder w/Suicidal Ideologies back in 1992. Now that I am older, it seems I am no longer viable. I have learned to cope with my income status and am careful with where and how I spend my money which was never a concern until the accident. I had a great job; actually two great jobs. I am college educated and worked as an office manager for a construction firm during the day and had my own hair salon in my basement which I did at night. Both were rewarding, the latter more so as I could utilize my artistic talents on my customers. Giving up those jobs was the hardest thing to do but I didn’t have much choice. Thankfully, I was around others with physical and mental disabilities long before my accident and looked at the human being first. Sure, guys in their 30′s who can work out are hot, sexy but hopefully there is more than just their body to build something with. I have my good days and bad days with both disabilities but I manage to cope by working with Habitat. At 58, I am still a sexual being but it seems that big muscles or extremely masculine or NSA or DL are what most seem to want. Being monogamous in nature doesn’t fit well today. I play but it seems to be only one date or encounter because I don’t have the money to travel or eat out all the time or who knows why. I have been on every drug you could name and am now allergic so I an unable to take psychotropic medications now. I don’t make an issue of my depression and normally never mention it so as not to scare someone. I’m happy for those that can be fit and trim but those of us who can’t shouldn’t be made to feel so inferior.

  • Bryan aka Drake.i understand where u r coming from growing up with both deaf parents,how mean people r,and now that i’m 59 younger guys think when we get over 40 our dicks fall off or something lol.when I get any action now its better than when I was 30 yrs old.as far as meeting a gay guy in a wheel chair I wouldn’t have a problem with that.but it seems some disabled have a chip on their shoulder the size of texas.DDDD

  • I am constantly called ugly by men. On here, other sites, and in person. I pray everyday to stop wanting to meet a guy. I can only hope that I’ll give up and the hurt will be gone. I’d rather spend my life alone and without insult. It shocks me his cruel we are as a group. I read all the time how gays bulky their own more than the straights do. It’s sad and depressing.

    I hope someone does read this and give an “unattractive” guy a chance. Maybe it’ll be…

  • I am constantly called ugly by men. On here, other sites, and in person. I pray everyday to stop wanting to meet a guy. I can only hope that I’ll give up and the hurt will be gone. I’d rather spend my life alone and without insult. It shocks me his cruel we are as a group. I read all the time how gays bulky their own more than the straights do. It’s sad and depressing.

    I hope someone does read this and give an “unattractive” guy a chance. Maybe it’ll be me…

  • Where are the hot pictures of disabled guys? I imagine they do exist. Or can they (we) only be talked about but not shown? Can they not be shown on A4A? I mean there was a hot model with the article on fisting, not the most palatable subject.
    On the other side, I do give you props for writing about an even more invisible population. I wonder the number of gay men reading your article had an onset of A.D.D. when they read the word “disabled” and went back to searching profile pics without reading more.
    And yes, I have a disability, cerebral palsy, slight as it is, but noticeable enough. Add that with age……

  • Honey if the gays don’t look at guys because they are too feminine or because they don’t have six pack abs or don’t look like a model. You really think these self absorbed gays are going to look at some dude in a wheel chair? I don’t think so.

  • Amen, GOD Bless the author of this piece. This “food for thought” was presented very well.

  • Thank you for this very honest article. I have felt very isolated for past 4 years due to the fact I was hit by a car. Before this major event I was a thin toned healthy 26 year old. now I am healed, I have a slight limp and gained about 100 lbs do to mobility issues. Though I have lost some of the weight , the gay community still deems me “fat” without even a thought to asking why or how. I may never be at the level of fitness I was, and I may never look like I did, but I still have a good personality, but in my experience gays aren’t interested in that.

  • Love this! I personally don’t have a disability but the message at its core..or what I take from this article…is that as a community we are hypocrites, rallying for equality, when we don’t even treat each other like equals due to a superficial majority. True beauty is not seen but felt by the soul/heart/etc.

  • I would consider dating a man with a disability, but honestly physical appearance and attractiveness still matters to me. If he was hot like the cartoon in the video clip maybe. There was a guy at a gym I once used to belong too who was handsome with a great body, but one of his arms was misshapen and smaller than the other. I never approached him sexually but he’ was somebody I could see getting with. There was another guy who was a body builder although he walked with crutches because something was wrong with his legs. He was hot too. On the other hand I met another guy in a wheelchair who worked out. He was handsome, with big arms but his legs were paralyzed and skinny. Some one like that below the waist would be a total turnoff. I never have dated a disabled person but I would consider it. However, it depends on what’s physically wrong with them. I consider things like being impotent if his legs are paralyzed. What would be the point in sex with someone who couldn’t feel for example? Also, how much physical assistance does he need. I wouldn’t want to get into a relationship being a care giver. Though I don’t get involved with the disabled I’m not insensitive to them either. Nobody knows what the future holds for them. There but for the grace of God go I really. What goes around comes around so be nice.

  • Where is everyone? Anyways, great post Drake!

  • Didn’t like my comment?

  • I love it! Thanks for writing this Drake. I have played with many guys that would be considered “different” I have played with Deaf and blind guys. I have been with two in wheelchairs. Those wounded soldiers can be hot as hell. I had sex with two Marines that had cum back with one leg or one arm and I found them to be great sex partners. I don’t like how we as gay men can be so mean to other gay men just because of looks or a disability. Open your eyes and look below the surface and you will be surprised what you will find. One of those Marines had a 9.5 in his pants which made me very happy.

  • Great topic.

    I enjoyed reading this article being an ‘unattractive guy’ myself. I may not be disabled, but it’s great to bring awareness to multiple levels of superficial preferences.

    Stewie_Griffon

  • I agree 100 percent! And it’s not just disabled people… I have struggled with weight issues all my life and I look at all these guys profiles on a4a and how they don’t want fat people or chubby people and I understand that people have there preference, but they don’t even give you a chance!!! So I understand how disabled people feel and I hate it… I feel like we should speak out so to those out there that think there shit don’t stink, I hate to break it to you but it does!

  • I’m so glad to have this article published. Finally give me something to talk about. I’m one of “disability/handicapped” term whatever the society is considered us,(as you can see I am not really fond of that term because I’m deaf and I lead the unlimited lifestyle, so i dont see really any damaged in me but I accepted term regardless) however, I agree with this article. I’m not one of best looking but certainly not unattractive, in fact, I’ve been often told I had resemblance of usher yet, I barely got message from guys here and in club, usually I had several guys got hit on me until to find out I’m deaf, in all sudden most of them got awkwardly apologized then walk away from me. While my hearing friend who is similar to my appearance and weight, got guys interested in him like no problem. Honestly I think it’s lame for guys who making a big deal over the fact I simply cannot to hear, not killer, or carry the deadly contagious disease. I’m really nice guy, it’s their loss to not have a chance to getting know me. :-)

  • The world today is too hung up on looks. It seems that if you are not young hung and a model you are not worth anything. If you are older and heavier and plane looking no one will even take a second glance at you. This is a sad thing because you never know what you missing. To me the looks come from the inside. Have been with some very good looking people that where super ugly on the inside. The outter appearance is like a xmas present the good stuffs on the inside.

  • Very touching. This really is a good article. I sometimes felt the same in general about the gay community because guys can be cruel.
    When I was bartending at meteor in Houston. I had guys come up to me and tell me if I was taller they date me. I remember feeling was there somthing wrong with me? My height was only stopping guys from dating me and I felt very hurt and disrespected because I would never say somthing like that to a guy. Even the male strippers were rude. For whatever reason ill never know? But that’s what stopped stopped me truthfully from going out anymore because I’m tired of being told if I looked like this, or was taller, or had different eye color, or buff. It’s made me upsett and felt alone because I see all these guys in happy relationships and what makes me different or not worthy enough to date?

  • This is a profound article. I agree that there are a lot of gays that look only for the “perfect person” while I never got sexual with a person in a wheelchair, I can say i never reject such a person outright.
    As for gay people with mental and other conditions again I looked at the person and have been clos to some.
    Heck I been rejected because I am too old, something everyone will experience, if they live long enough.

  • I have psoriasis and that’s hard enough to be accepted for in the gay community, I couldn’t imagaine being in a wheelchair. My friend Matt(hetro) has had enough problems with finding relationships-but happy to say he’s found a nice girl who doesn’t care he’s in a chair. But I digress its hard to be different in the gay world, everyone wants to be or find a perfect model type. If you don’t fit that your shunned, I’ve gotten to the point I avoid hookups/dating its just to difficult to explain my psoriasis.

  • ONCE YOU’RE DISABLED, YOU SHOULD REFRAIN FROM SEX. I GET IT POLITICAL CORRECTNESS IS THE ORDER OF THE DAY (“EQUAL OPPORTUNITY FUCKER”) BUT NOW I’M EXPECTED TO ACCOMMODATE PERSONS WITH DISABILITIES? THIS HAS GONE WAY OUT OF HAND. DO I ATTACH TO MY HOLE ‘HANDICAP ACCESS HERE’ RIGHT NEXT TO THE SIGN ‘EQUAL OPPORTUNITY FUCKER’? WHY IS RACE AND APPEARANCE SUCH DIVISIVE ISSUES IN THE GAY COMMUNITY? YOU HAVE PEOPLE CLAIMING NOT TO BE RACIST, BUT YET THEY’RE THE FIRST ONES THAT WILL TALK SHIT ABOUT ANOTHER RACE, THEN YOU HAVE THE GAYS THAT CLAIM THEY LIKE ALL TYPES YET ARE THE FIRST ONES THAT BALK AT THE FIRST MENTION OF A LITTLE BELLY FAT, HAIR THAT’S “NOT RIGHT”, OR SOME SUPERFICIAL ABNORMALITY. I’M TURNING STRAIGHT, I’M CONVINCED BEING GAY IS JUST EXTENDED HIGH SCHOOL PLUS SEX. DON’T GET ME STARTED ON GAYS AND GAY MARRIAGE.

  • Google “dating disabled gay men” there are a number of dating sites.

  • Disabled people whould refrain from sex…

    .
    ..

    ….
    …..
    ……
    …….
    ……..
    ………
    ……….

    You are a jackass

  • Several posts have gone beyond disabled to the broader issues of attraction. So I’ll comment. I see guys on here, at work, at bars… Who really need to work on their overall grooming. I’m talking haircuts, clothes that are flattering, reasonable fitness, better diets, grooming, nail trimming, even showering! There’s a geeky straight guy I work with who’s sister decided to help reinvent. She got him a better haircut, improved his wardrobe, taught him how to actually groom himself… He went from a 4 to a 7 overnight! He’s now working out and eating better too…

    I have a buddy on here who had great stats and general appeal. I met him one for a beer. Needed a haircut, nails unkept, sloppy clothes… Just not a turn on.

    Our society in general is suffering from a lack of personal responsibility and initiative. Many guys just want you to look appealing …

  • I about spit out my coffee this morning at the prospect of the post here asking the most superficial people on earth (those who in general want guys that are “hot!” who dress in the latest most “trendy” clothes/phone/jewelry, who are hot because they’re pierced all over or have tatoos or are in a suit) how the felt about physically challenged guys. It’s laughable beyond belief, in my humble opinion.

    Whether a guy is in a suit, good looking, portly, furry, smooth, or in a wheelchair has never made a difference for me. Any of them can be the greatest guys on the planet or assholes. It’s a matter of always giving the guy fair time to present himself for who he is through talking to him. Sometimes it only takes minutes to size him up accurately; sometimes it may take days or weeks. If you’re worht a hill of beans yourself, whether a guy is in a chair or a suit doesn’t make a difference.

  • It was very nice to meet handicapped person on this site.
    we set up an appointment to meet.
    We meet and talk for an hour.
    Decided to meet again this week.
    I took him to handicaprestroom and there
    we kissed for about 5 minutes
    he told me he was happy but we have to meet again
    he works at a place that is chariable to other person.
    It prove to us that is only a state of mind.
    We will meet again to kisss no sex was involved.
    and it felt great

  • Hello guys how is all my gay predessors doing to day u no I read a lot of this disable stuff u no lets not forget handicapped people are human too, man u cant help who u fall in love with man put your self in position this is who they are man life is a challenge all the way around so I say give every body a chance it might be your calling.

  • I had an ongoing 2 year sexual relationship with a guy who had Spinal Bifida and used a wheelchair and crutches when the wheelchair couldn’t go where he needed to be. He had the tightest hole, the poutiest cocksucking lips and he loved getting fucked for HOURS. I was sad when he got married.

    I’ve also had sex with an amputee…as he put it, losing one leg meant that a top got to get into his hole balls-deep and then some.

    You regular guys are missing out.

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