8 Oct 2013

Gay Stuff : When Is It Official?

Category: Gay Stuff

You meet a great guy while you are out one night and you get to talking. One thing leads to another and you go home with one another. You have a great time and talk the next day, you both have some free time so you decide to get together for some small talk.

You find yourself looking for reasons to talk to him, he is doing the same. There is definitely a connection. A few days go by and he says he has to talk to you, he comes over and starts to talk.

He says he really likes getting to know you and hopes it can continue but he isn’t going to tell people he is dating anyone just yet. He feels it is too soon for that, you look at him and ask him why he even brought it up. 

He says because there are couple guys who he has been chatting with and he wants to keep his options open. You say fair enough but where does that leave you two? He says not to worry, he has no plans of dating anyone else. Confusing!!

So this brings me to my question: at what point do you tell each other you are dating? Is there a specific timeline you follow? If you had sex on the first date can you continue to have sex in the “getting to know each other” period?  When do you tell potential dates: I’ve met someone and I want to see where it’s going to go?

Thoughts?  Comments?

g skorich 

53 comments for Gay Stuff : When Is It Official?

  • gay life—sex is always a prelude to “dating”, how else would you meet? rarely do guys meet for tea and chat!

  • There is dating and then there is exclusively dating. Big difference.

  • I’m not sure if this scenario exactly matches my situation, but I will put it out there for suggestions:

    I met a guy on a mobile dating site and we really hit it off. He told me he was just out of a 7 year relationship and wasn’t looking for anything serious, and I told him it had been 2 years since I’ve been in a relationship and I was looking for something more concrete and that fun was cool, but I did not want to be a dick machine. He said he was looking for more of the nsa thing. I then replied that (once again) nsa was cool, but I can’t stop myself from trying to attach strings if things work out. He said that was understandable. Despite this, we continued to talk because we were highly attractive to other and we ended up exchanging phone numbers. A couple of hours later, he was at my door and we banged a couple of times and fell asleep cuddled in each others arms (cuddling is really big for me). The next morning, I awoke to him kissing on me and telling me how beautiful/handsome/incredible I was and returned every compliment to him. We showered together and after a few more rounds, he left and asked for his second invitation. After he left, we immediately started texting each other again and somehow the conversation lead to how cuddling helped him sleep because his ex used to do it. My heart dropped a little and I immediately replied that it was natural for him to still think of him, but I’m no place holder. Needless to say, we circled back around to the “not looking for anything serious, but I am” argument. Long story short, I’m developing feelings for him. What should I do? Should I play the game and hope for the best, or should I tell him how I feel and end this thing?

  • Maybe I’m kinda old-fashioned about this, but I’m not one to jump into bed the first time or two we “hangout”. For me, it seems to make the relationship mean more when you don’t play your whole hand the first night. I like the relationship to build. As for the timing of defining that you’re “dating” I guess it’s not “dating” unless both guys decide that you are. If one is holding back, then I wouldn’t say I’m dating.

  • you either get in close with that one guy or you don’t.no room to play around

  • Another little girl post:
    If this guy is giving you conflicting information, why would you want to get involved with someone that is loopy; just like dating a dramatic girl.
    If you have sex on the first date and this is happening to you, then this means he is no completely sold on you, in other words he is keeping you around till he finds someone better. I can only assume someone would talk to you and give you a confusing talk to make sure the keep you at hands distance.
    Lastly, if you yourself still have potential dates, you’re telling yourself you are not sold on him either.
    In any case be a man and tell the other guy what you want clearly, my guess would be that you had fulfilling sex and are both hoping that it could be more, but know it won’t lead to anything.

    no more little girl posts please!

  • I think after 6 weeks you can call yourselves a couple and fucking on the first date is fine I did it with a man I met on A4A and we dated for 5 years.

  • Fred, the little girl posts like you call them, some people like them…
    Oh and if you don’t like them, why do you take the time to write a 8 lines long comment?
    We don,t need this bad energy and this lack of respect on this blog

  • Dating and being exclusive are two completely different things. If we get together more than once,especially if for something other than just sex, to me that is dating. Being in an exclusive committed relationship lies at the end of a journey which leads to me knowing you and trusting you. How long is that, who knows exactly, but it damn sure isn’t in a few weeks or months. You don’t even start getting to know the other guy for months. Most of that time is just two people projecting what they want to see on each other in my experience. Real commitment comes after you let go of the story in your head and really see the other man standing in front of you and accepting him for who he is.

  • I used to hook up with a guy who would say that you should definitely fuck on the first date or second at the latest. If it doesn’t work in the bedroom, it won’t work anywhere else. That was his reasoning. I haven’t found that to be true, but I also have no basis for comparison.

    Just tell the dude what you want. Act on your heart’s dictates and chance the consequences.

  • I think you should definitely have sex during the getting to know you period. It would be a little weird if the sexual advances stopped during that time period, unless you both would rather cuddle and talk while you get to know each other (it could make the sex better later on).

    Recently I went out on a few dates with someone whom I had met initially for just a hook-up. It was kind of weird to play by the dating “rules” after having broken those rules to begin with by hooking-up first. I expected to be invited to stay over at his place eventually, but it never happened. It was pretty disappointing not to have the chance to be physical with him again, especially after investing so much energy into “getting to know” him.

  • How old are these guys?

    If one doesn’t want to commit, it won’t happen. If you don’t communicate, it won’t happen.

    If he wants to ‘keep his options open’, then you should do the same, and opt out while you still can.

  • Thats why I only do one night stands. Get all the ass I want. No need for dates. The guy will always play with someone else

  • Ok. What I’m going to say is going to offend some or alot of people on here.. Here are my rules..
    1. If a guy says he wants to keep his “options” open,MOVE ON!If a guy is not giving 110%, then kick him to the curb, cause you have “options” too.

    2. If you hung out with a dude close to 5 different occasions and he still doesn’t know what he wants, kick him to the curb. He just playing games (see rule 1, if you have doubt)..

    3. If he wants open relationships, threesomrs, group sex with you…Run to the hills child, cause he can’t commit.

    4. If you the one always calling or txting first, don’t waste your energy, if he’s not putting the effort (again see rule 1).

    5. If your gut instinct is telling you something different,LISTEN TO IT!!! 9 OUT 10 times its right.

    6. Stop being desperate, pushy, eager, and most of all know the difference between a night stand and a relationship, cause no matter how hard you try, you can’t make (fill in here)into a boyfriend or husband.

    7. Friends with benefits do not exist. Someone always gets attached.

    READ THIS CAREFULLY, LEARN FROM IT, & LET SINK IN YOUR HEAD.. OH IF I’M WRONG ABOUT WHAT I TYPE, THEN WHY ARE YOU ALONE IN BED AT NIGHT?

  • If I’m seeing someone on a regular but uncommitted basis, and I meet someone else that I like, I let him know right away that I’m currently seeing someone else but that it is not a committed relationship. That way, he knows from the start that he won’t have my undivided attention unless we really hit it off or something with my other guy falls apart. I don’t think it’s honest to have a second or third date with someone before telling him my attention is not his alone.

    On the other hand, if this new guy and I are meeting strictly as friends, with no other expectations, then it’s not a big deal. However, if he knows I’m seeing someone, it would explain why I have to turn down his invitations every now and then.

  • Similar situation here, just got to let it play out. You can’t push an agenda when it comes to a relationship unless what you want is a construct. But if you are looking for something to grow you can’t rush a bloom. It took me (fresh out of a 9 year relationship) to learn to let it play its course and I still get butterflies, or stomache aches depending but its either going to continue to grow, or stunt and die. Either way if its worth the beauty it should be worth the risk.

  • I like this post :) ive never have been able to make it to
    A relationship i feel like I’m doing something wrong
    I’m a, real nice guy I’m not bad looking im starting to
    think that sex on the first night is what’s wrong but im not
    sure any words of wisdom would be nice :)

  • @ Blog

    Fred makes a good point and he could have done it without the “little girl” bit, but I understand that it does get frustrating seeing gay guys make this same old mistake over and over and over……..

    It sounds to me as if neither of you are mature enough to be dating and that perhaps you are only in love with the idea of being in love, while he doesn’t know what he wants yet.

    The guy has pretty much said he’s not as interested in you as you are in him. His saying “not to worry, he has no plans of dating anyone else” means he has no plans of dating anyone else YET, but lets continue to be fuck buddies for sexual convenience.

    This is very typical in gay life, which is why so many gay relationships don’t last.

    You need to get past your desperation, gather up your self respect and admit to yourself that no matter how bad you want it you are not entitled to it just because you want it and move on.

    Love happens to you, not you it.

  • Noboby wants to get to know someone before sex any more. We think sex is detached from emotional ties. A quick physical gratification that comes with no strings attached. You would not have a problem with someone chatting with other people, if sex was reserved until a commitment was made. At that time you have learned enough about who the other person is besides the length, thichness, and deepness of his sexual attributes. We are more than the parts we take pictures of.

  • I’ve been talking to someone for a few weeks and he hasn’t been in a relationship in the past 14 years. He was engaged and now he’s putting himself back in the field. I have strong feelings for him but he has stated that he is wanting to date around for a while. I’m gonna entertain this idea but stay cautious.

  • When is official, in todays world anything is possible. Me, an old fashion guy. The variables are different. Everyone, has a different agenda. Once you can find a person who is mature, loving and want a relationship. Timing is does play a part. Some one talk about banging the first time and today is normal because the getting to know one is the chase and we all want sex. I just wish men today would not play games. It may so corny but we are on boworrow time.

  • Ok here is my rule of thumb. If the guy is someone I want a relationship with and I see as dating material I will not have sex with him for 3 months. If he is not something that I want to take home to meet my family then its fair game. IF the guy is a keeper then you have the tome to build a relationship that is based on more than sex. Lets admit one thing, introducing sex into a relationship changes the relationship dynamics. It is important that you have a solid foundation. IF you keep sex out in the beginning, it gives you that opportunity to get to know each other. Now let me preference this by saying, that i have had two long term relationships one 8 years and now my partner of 9 years and I know he is the absolute one. Neither one did I have sex with before the 3 months, in fact the 1st one was a year before we bed and my partner now was 8 months. So All I can say is if he is a keeper, dont be a creeper, keep it simple and try really dating. It works.

  • If you’re not his top priority then I’m afraid he’s not the right guy for you to date or to be in relationship. However, if you mistook the good sex for a potential relationship then either continue to have meaningless sex or go find someone else that wants both good sex and relationship. Not everyone is mature enough for a relationship but at least you know what you want and be clear about it. There will be a time when the single guy spent all his youth and energy with all the anonymous hookups then decides to be in a relationship but he will run into another crop of guys just like him years ago that only want sex and have a string of guys aside. Life can be a bitch!

  • Too many conflictinig points here. What did you tell him you were looking for going in? Seems like the scenario was a hookup .. and you jumped to dating and then got on your own way to an LTR. Confusion abounds.Pickn a position: LTR orGo With the Flow.

  • If you are dating more than one guy without having sex, I don’t see any problem at all. If you’re having sex with more than one guy at a time; it’s called being a whore, plain and simple.

  • Its never official. Everybody cheats. It will be two years before I call anyone my partner.

  • I have been seeing someone for 7 months..we met on a4a..we both want a ltr, but we are still getting to know each other..( we both have very busy schedules) but, every couple is different, we have had 3 huge arguments, but it was because of things that happenened to each of us in previous relationships. As for the question…you decide that your “dating” when it is mutually agreed…like I said, EVERY COUPLE IS DIFFERENT….everybody else…GET OVER YOURSELVES!…..lol. : )

  • The heart wants what it wants Fred….

  • Come on Blog, relax. The joy of having a comment section is to allow other people’s views to be expressed. If Fred feels this another little girl post, so be it. Just a different view, nothing negative nor disrespectful.
    Have to give Fred kudos for calling an ace an ace, thought!

  • It all boils down to chance on your end. Are you willing to stick it out and wrist getting your feelings involved? That Congo only says one thing and that is at the time he is not willing to commit. First, you probably should hold out on sex and see where things go.with u two. Either he bond will strengthen or the lack of sex will cause everything to fizzle out. Always remember though. If he isn’t willing to be exclusive with you, there is always someone who want to go there. You never know. If it doesn’t work out with him, the next guy may generate more sparks and give you what you clearly desire. Otherwise, the conversation wouldn’t even raise an issue :-)

  • I have been on both ends of the confusing conversation. usually I will not sleep with someone on the first few dates, if I hold back the sex, that means I like you enough to keep you around and when it gets serious then lets have sex, I think it makes it more exciting. If I had sex with you on the first date, that means I just wanted to get off and thank you for playing. I guess both scenerios can be very confusing for the person I am with, but this is how I operate. I do not go into a one night stand thinking that this is going to be a lasting relationship.

  • In the same predicament with I guy I am dating. We have been dating exclusively for 4months and then just breaks it off and he says he wants to be friends but it is still the same every weekend when we hangout together. And he is telling people that we are kinda sorta together when we are asked while hanging out. And I know that I should just cut ties but I can’t let him go. The best is a clean break. If you continue, as I am, you will only end up with more pain and confusion when it does finally end. Follow your gut and focus on what you really want.

  • Something like this happened to me recently. I would like to know when do we start telling people that we are dating. I met this person a few months ago and we have been talking ever sense then. I believe that we are the last people that we talk too before we go to sleep and the first person we talk to when we wake up. In our conversations we talk about our pass relationships and both good and bad and so many other things. It wasn’t until yesterday on the 8th of October where my best friend decided to show me a message where he had a long conversation with the same guy that i’m talking to. Met up with him and had sex. So this leaves me to think that if you are talking to a guy and they say that they want to leave there options open then the possible chance of a relationship would be a zero. Its like he know everything about you but still decides to shop for someone better in the world. When they believe that they have found that you. you will get dropped like hot cakes.

  • Fred, I think I speak for a few people in here when I tell you to kindly go fuck yourself for your moronic comments. :)

    To the subject: I’m not sure if it’s ever truly official, at least until such point as both guys can consciously say that there isn’t anyone else they want to spend time with. There has to be real trust and confidence.

  • “I want to see you but I’m not going to tell anyone I’m seeing you” isbullshit no matter how you parse it. Telling you he’s not going to tell anyone about you is a powergame. Also it’s quite insulting.

    What’s wrong with saying “we’ve just started seeing each other and it’s undefined and undiscussed”?

    My rule is that if you won’t acknowledge me in public you lose your access to me in private. You don’t have to divulge everything about our relationship to everyone you see, but you do have to introduce me by name.

    Why would you make a priority of someone who’s keeping you an option?

  • after a few times meeting and, deciding that it feels weird to call other people you should consider it dating. If it feels like you are cheating on them when you are with other people you are dating.

  • As one critic says, “A poignant and moving story that reinforces the age-old stereotypes of the gay brand.”

  • I liked Jay’s post. I’d stick with the guy. It’s still early for him but the chemistry is there and I like that he’s feeling his way with you and sharing the good stuff about the ex. He’s laying the good stuff from that on you and I bet if you go with it and don’t push too hard, he’ll be back a lot and then you start to hang out with clothes on and guess what, you both get what you want and it’s a relationship.

    Fred, grow a pair and admit you like more than sex and a beer. Most guys who call it little girl posts, etc. want that intimacy more than anything but are scared to admit it.

  • To quote Cameron Diaz in Vanilla Sky: “When you sleep with someone, your body makes a commitment!” For me, you hit this twice & we’re official.

  • He’s actually being up front and fair. He likes you but he’s definitely seeing other people. Some people are polyamorous and are capable of feeling something for more than one person. If he didn’t tell you the truth that would be one thing. But he came out and said what was going on. That’s respect, something we all want. While it may not have been the answer you wanted, it was his answer. Now you just need to decide if you want to date him.

  • Being compatible sexually is just as important as being compatible in any other way, especially for homosexuals who are only homosexual because of their sexual preference. Whether you have sex on the first date or only after you decide you are going to try and have a long term, monogamous relationship; sex is still going to count as to whether that relationship is successful or not and if one thinks it doesn’t they are only deluding themselves.

    Back in the puritan days not having sex first might have worked in a way, but only because your whole family and community would hold you to your commitment by guilt and your fear of your being disowned by your family and community. If it turned out that you were not sexually compatible with your partner you would be out of luck and just become a slave to your commitment.

    Also; just because you hit it off with a guy and maybe even feel love for him and he for you doesn’t mean either of you have to instantly figure out how to entrap each other into committing to a relationship. Unless you are very insecure people and if so then that contrived relationship doesn’t have much of a chance of lasting anyway.

    It’s too bad that gays don’t have many, if any genuine roll models when it comes to relationships, but only do what they see each other doing, which fits Albert Einstein’s definition of insanity really well.

    “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

    A true committed relationship will happen naturally if it’s meant to be. You can’t force it or control it. And no, you are not a unique exception to the rule.

  • if the both of. you are makeing reasons to see another mad you are sucking then your dating.

  • I might be the exception to this blog. I met this guy at pride weekend. Exchanged numbers and even though we both were dating some one else in some serious way, we had a brunch date. After talking and putting our baggage on the table( he was a single father), we banged for what seemed hours. Six years later we got married!

  • personally I don’t think that if there is a connection between two people then one guy needs to have options open. that’s just an excuse for him to sleep with the other guys he’s talking to. I mean if he slept with you on the first date then who’s to say he won’t with someone else? do what you need to do but don’t waste time on someone who doesn’t want to be serious with you.

  • This story is almost 100% my story. Not like anyone cares to read what I have to say but to the few that do, I want your opinion. basically everything this story has described is the situation I’m in now. I met this guy at a video game tournament and we started hanging out on a regular basis since it was summer time nothing to do. One month passed and we are at a friends birthday party. I told him before I got drunk that I was into both guys and girls but not very experienced with guys. told him if I do anything to make him feel weird to let me know. He didn’t say anything so I left it at that. after 7 rounds of P.J we are both making out and one thing leads to another all while we are in my friend room while she is trying to sleep. long story short we hooked up 3 more times after that then he ask me “what are we”? I instantly said friends because I didn’t want to ruin a good friendship that just started. so from June til this past Sunday we have spent EVERY WEEK together and go to the gym together. I noticed I started having feelings for the guy and I try to be open and honest with my friends, so I told him how I felt. there was no response from him which drove me crazy, because when I finally let the guy know how I felt he left me high and dry. well not really because he texted me today, but didn’t mention anything I told him the other day. I don’t want to push something on him if he’s not ready, but nor do I wanna play the guessing game either.

  • OK- Long story-please bear with me. I met a guy (on A4A actually) and we decided to hook up. We did, the sex was PHENOMENAL. I knew going in that this in no way was anything more than a fuck. It continued to be a fuck-a-thon for a couple of months…..just about daily. Sex continued to be incredible, if anything kept getting better. About this time, he tells me he had been living with a girl off and on for a while, but always knew he was gay. When he met me, he decided to stop the whole ‘I am bisexual’ thing. Then he started with the emotional stuff. I am usually VERY guarded with my emotions and generally deflect all that emotional stuff due to getting my ass burned badly in the past. He managed to chip away at any defenses I had around my heart, and I did develop feelings for him. He actually told me he knew he loved me, and I was the first guy that he had ever developed anything emotional towards. I didn’t say the L word back initially (I did feel like I was falling, but was trying to be realistic….how many people actually have successful relationships based on a hookup site?)
    He kept chipping away and said/did the nicest things for me. Eventually, I caved and told him I loved him as well.
    Things seemed fine for about 4 months….then we had a disagreement, and he left. (it was a pretty minor disagreement) and has not called or contacted me at all. He will not answer my calls or texts. I know I should probably just consider that a ‘fuck that’ and let it go, but I really did care about the guy. I have sent at least 20 texts or emails apologizing for the fight- but still no response from him. Other than saying ‘fuck it and move on’ can anyone give me any idea how to proceed? I feel stupid as hell for letting him get in my head as is.

  • thanks for all the great comments. as it turns out the guy I met a few weeks ago and I have decided to move forward with whatever we have. we are making plans as far ahead as December, LOL.

    @CEEJAY – don’t be the needy guy. if he isn’t answering he is probably getting pissed off about all the messages. relax, give it a couple days and see what happens. maybe send some flowers, I sent flowers after our second date and he hasn’t stopped thanking me since

  • Hmmm…

    I am assuming that you guys are adults and I wonder why you are still behaving and dating like teenagers. If you need to know how they feel then just ask them flat out and see what their answer is. If they don’t reply or dance around the subject then the answer is obviously not what you want to hear. It’s a perfect clue so use it and quit deluding yourself into believing that something is going to change.

    Sure it may hurt if they don’t feel the same way, but that hurt is going to happen anyway and all you are doing is prolonging its happening, while maybe getting yourself in even deeper.

    A couple of months is way too soon to be thinking about a committed relationship with someone you barely know, no matter how good the sex is. Enjoy the crush and take the time to actually get to know someone before thinking about renting the U-haul and moving in together.

    If it doesn’t work out; you still had some good times together, which you need not forget about just because you couldn’t take things as far as you wanted to. It’s not a waste of time either because you would have filled that time doing other things you liked doing too.

    Love yourself first and always more than you love someone else. If you can’t do that then you don’t have anything of any value to offer anyone else anyway and are not ready to get so involved that way.

  • There’s nothing sexier than anticipation…

    I love this post it’s really wirth-while and smart! I love the idea of courting, guys across the board are such pigs, dogs and give themselves the excuse, “we’re men” no, wrong, you’re just the “average guys” ’cause you have no control over the usual urges. I for myself, I’ve adopted teaching myself this, ‘the all or none thing just leads to disappointment.

    Show respect for each other for ‘what/who’ you are as people, the short of it is; find out what you have incommon besides your physical appeal for each other. Hand holding, kissing, a kinda foerplay or heavy-petting, once you’ve established that you are dating exclusively. In this exact order, no “puttin the cart before the horse”, lol. Then, comes long awaited and anticipated incredible love-making, ’cause at the point, you will be inlove, truely! It’s a formula that takes discipline. This increasingly, isn’t a world that can do that anymore, sadly enough. As a direct result, nothing is as sweet as it use to be, but so cheapened.

  • COMMUNICATE!
    If you find yourself falling for someone that you just recently met and you have already mentioned to each other
    ‘Im ready to find serious’ or ‘Ive just got out of one and want to wait before anything serious’ you need to slow your roll with him. Don’t shut him out all together, just let him make the continued effort for contact. If he asks, Let him know that you could get serious so you are only giving him the space he wanted and you would still want to connect when you can. That you havn’t lost interest in him, but just the opposite, you want not to get hurt. Its being honest with you and him. If he finds himself and your still around and both ready, you’ll know that you can work on being serious on even emotional slate now. Both equally ready to commit to each other.
    If he meets or gets together with someone new and you keep the pace and not slow, he will have the excuse of telling you that he already told you he wasn’t ready for anything serious.

    Communication is all you need.

    During your ‘getting to know each other’ phase, its normal for each to pull out all the best of yourself in hopes of winning each other over. If your not BOTH giving the same effort showing the best, Its clear one is not ready and stringing the other around and the other is going to get hurt.

  • @ JOE

    Good advise Joe, but a lot of gay guys have a difficult time honestly communicating with themselves let alone others. They would rather just pretend to themselves that everything should work out the way they imagine for the sake of instant gratification, which they falsely believe they are entitled to.

  • I found this read relevant to my life. I’m a natural born cocksucker and cum swallower; although I missed out on cocksucking for the first thirty years of my life because of what society conditioned me to believe. Heck, I even thought I could go blind by jacking off. I’ve been attempting to come out of the closet with my parents and two adult daughters now for far too long. When I eventually do it will be the perfeft time for me to consider it official. When I can openly show affection with my man and include him in all the family gatherings, I’ll happy.

  • @Seth That is exactly what im going though and it’s soooo fustrating.
    :(.

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