31 Jan 2014

Gay Stuff : Friend Or Lover?

Category: Gay Stuff : Speak Out

You meet this guy at the gym, seems like a nice guy.  Single, good looking, intelligent.  You chat, work out together and eventually become friends.    

Neither one of you seem to want to take it any further than a workout buddy kind of thing.  During this time you meet someone and as it would turn out you start dating. You post some pictures of you and the new guy on your Facebook wall and think nothing of it.  The next time you go to the gym you see your workout buddy and walk up to him. Instead of the regular buddy chat he seems cold and uninterested in anything you have to say.

You ask him what’s up. He mentions your post of the pictures. You look at him confused. He asks if he needs to spell it out for you. You nod. He says he thought you and he were working towards becoming more than workout buddies.

Now, some of us don’t read minds but we can read body language. If you develop one type of relationship with someone and neither one of you seem to want to take it any further then how is the other supposed to know what you are thinking.  This happens quite often when guys keep their intentions to themselves and miss out on what could be a great opportunity. 

If you like someone take the chance and let them know. Don’t expect guys to pick up on your little clues, be direct and see what happens. Maybe you aren’t the only one feeling the attraction.  

I recently started dating a great guy. I was out not too long ago and this guy I chatted with a few times came up to me and asked me where I had been. I told him about this new guy and he looked kind of sad. I asked what was up.  He said had he known I was looking to date someone he would have asked me out. I told him he should have said something. His answer to me:  you could have asked me out as well. I think I made the right choice.

Thoughts? Comments?

 

g skorich

34 comments for Gay Stuff : Friend Or Lover?

  • If your relationship consists only of going to the gym, you’re gymbuddies. If you occasionally grab coffee before or dinner after the gym, you’re gymbuddies with potential.

    If you have sex but never go out in public together, you’re fuckbuddies. If you occasionally do something together before or after sex, you’re friends with benefits.

    If you do stuff together but don’t have sex, you’re friends.

    If you’re having sex, are seen together in public and he introduces you to his friends, you’re dating.

    If you’re dating and he introduces you to his family, you’re involved.

    If you have sex a few times and then just do stuff together, you’re friends.

  • I’m confused. At the last part of the post…

    Am I to assume you weren’t ever interested in the guy who you didn’t date? I assume this, because you would have asked HIM out if you were interested, right? Afterall, you’re dishing out this advice about being more direct. In that case then yes you made the right choice.

    But then there’s the part where you told him “You should have said something.” Does this mean you were interested but waiting for him to ask you out? Would you have said Yes if he did?

    You’re telling people to be more direct, but only because it sounds like you’re the type of guy who likes to be asked and not do the asking. In that case I would label you a hypocrite.

    So which is it? Were you never interested in the guy from the start, or are you the kind if hypocrite who wants everyone else to be direct while you wait to be asked out?

  • Stop posting pictures on social media of anyone who’s not family members or who might be ‘more than just a friend’ and you wont have any problems .

    Social media … load of fckn garbage.

  • Sometimes Men can be quite dense when it comes to seeing what’s right in front of them. Reading the clues can either be misread, or lost in translation lol. So i agree that going for it when the moment is right can end the question, is he friend, or lover….

  • i’m just open and honest about my intentions with most people, if i want to date i’ll say so. If i want to fuck i’ll do the same. Never understood the whole hiding your intentions shit, i don’t have the patience for subtlety.

  • Ive never been in that situation, but then I dont go to the gym to strike up conversations lol. If I was though, and I had some sort of interest in the guy, I would ask him if he ever wanted to go somewhere and do anything else. If that guy was interested he should do the same. In the dating world its about who climbs aboard the train first. That waiting shit gets old.

  • Working out together I feel is quite intimate. You see eachother at your worst, sweaty, ugly clothes, messy hair, flushed complextion, smelly, etc… if you’re still interested in eachother its true love. Unless of course the shower time is shared, then it could just be lust.

  • Yeah the guy was right – you could have said something too. It works both ways, no one should be expected to read minds.

    Reading minds also brings up another situation for me. You meet a guy here and everyone likes what’s being said, pics, stats, and what you both want to do with eachother. You arrange to go to his place. But he never told you or indicates when he opens the door that he wants you to be all over him the minute the door closes. Or maybe that’s what you did because you were both seemingly all hot for eachother but he wants you to come in, sit and have a beer first and talk. Then two minutes later he says there is no chemistry and wants you to leave.

    Guys you are just as responsible if anything doesn’t go the way you expect. If you took the time to convey what you are thinking albeit in words or actions we’d all be better off. And if you waited just a couple of minutes more things might have been what you expected and even moreso.

    I don’t get the two minute “chemists.”

  • Einathens summed it up perfectly.

    Thank you Einathens.

  • I definitely believe in being direct. I always try to feel out the other person before jumping right in, however I tend to fall for straight guys so I usually get the same response but I also usually end up with a great friend for trying to get closer to the guy. To “gay tony” I would think that if the guy would’ve asked him out there was enough potential in their friendship to possibly start a relationship but the intention for starting that relationship wasn’t there initially. Relationships don’t always start from a mutual interest, sometimes it takes one person making the first move to make the first person realize there’s something there. I don’t think he’s a hypocrite, he just knew that if his friend made a move there was potential to start something more but he didn’t see their friendship going there initially. I could be wrong tho.

  • I agree. So many guys never clarify it. I usually say, it goes both ways. But I believe str8 guys are better at showing they are into a girl then gay men do with guys. Even straight guys are better at relationships then gay men.

  • Intentions? I cannot count how many times I’ve gotten the guts up to let a guy know how I feel (because I thought I felt something) only to find them running for the hills. I think only one guy actually was mature enough to say, “not interested” and we remained friends. I can’t help but to “hide my intentions” at some point. This doesn’t just happen at a gym either. It’s not necessarily about hiding your intentions, but protecting your self from the constant rejection (at least in my realm). These days, I try to make sure I feel a spark…and that could take a minute (research & development), but even then I’ve not had much luck with that either. I think before I speak now….simply for protection. Nice blog entry, but I think you could expound a bit further on this topic. It’s not as simple as it would appear.

  • I totally agree with Darryl

  • Well according to the scale I would be a friends with benefits/sugardaddy relationship. That really sucks and I feel even lower than the just the sugardaddy alone. My partner and I and I use that term loosely met on a site and I pursued him. It did take a long time for us to start having sex other than foreplay. I think that was because he was seeing another guy at the time that he had feelings for. Actually come to find out he still is seeing him. I think he genuinely cares for this other fool. Always wanting what you not meant to have. Which is probably why I refuse to see the obvious. I want what is so elusive and I will probably never have. I just wish he would just say hey Im seeing this other fool too. Like I don’t know something is going on. And why the fuck cant I just walk away from a bad situation. I made up this name for what I am. I AM an Auto-erotic Sado Masochist. I enjoy inflicting pain on myself. WAH WAH WAH

  • Sounds like the normal crossed wires all people, gay or straight, put up with. I have a man and I got him by being direct. To many times I have thought guys smiling at me meant I had something goofy going on only to find out later from friends they were interested in me. I decided no longer will this work, and started confronting the mailers. Glad I did. On the other hand, just because I am talking to you does not mean I want a date, I really like new friends and you can’t get those without talking either. I do clarify quick though and announce my intentions quickly.

  • Typical gay guyz bullshit. I’m always amazed at the number of guyz who are simply unable to communicate their feelings towards other guyz and play hide and seek. Their loss as they surely always miss out on potentially great relationships or great sex. I do not waste time with these guyz anymore. If you want something just say it. If you don’t I assume you’re not interested.

  • Guys that want you to chase them because they feel like they are just too good to approach others.

  • This topic probably has nothing to do with being gay. The same could happen to a male and female when no one had discussed any intentions about developing any kind of relationship. Unless monogamy is a requirement, what’s to stop dating from starting with the gym guy now?

  • Not helping any is the ongoing blurring of the line about what is and isn’t a date.

    Is it a date if you grab some to-go food and watch a movie at his place? Or if you go together to a party where you both know other people? Or if you go out for a beer together with a group of people?

    And what exactly is the difference between ‘hangin out’ and ‘just chillin’?

    Why, in my day if you ironed and/or tucked in your shirt, it was a date. Top paid for dinner, bottom for drinks. No confusion.

  • if I see a guy I like or interested in I try n make some kind of contac and see what the vibe is then go from there.but if I get a feeling he’s not interested i’ll walk away n not look back.but if he acts interested i’ll rub my crotch and watch his reaction if he smiles then that’s a good sign.Dean

  • I am from a different era, one which existed well before gyms, and coffee shops, and it was no different then. With myself, it all boils down to ones intention in doing/going anywhere, anything. If you go to the gym to exercise, do it and enjoy it–but don’t get crushed if you do not hook up or date Mr. Wonderful. If your intention in going to gym is to date, well then you have mixed intentions at the least and usually a huge hidden agenda on top of it.
    Back in the 60′s when I was coming of age, we went to gay bars, or cruising spots and that’s how me met fuck buddies or “tricks” as we called them back then.
    The library is for books, coffee shops are for coffee, and perhaps friends, but don’t assume that everyone you meet in every location/circumstance is a potential fuck buddy unless you are willing to admit that there may be a bit of a sex addiction going on….and that is okay if you do. But do not expect all of society to turn into a multifaceted potential dating environment. Keep it simple, and when in doubt–easy does it, but DO it!

  • And men think women are confusing! I’ve been in ” relationships” like that. You meet in public. Situations, hang together all the time but don’t progress, and then they bitch. Worse is when you have a good party bud thru mutual friends ( like his friend,ex) and always hang.
    I was in this situation for years with this guy. To make it confusing is that,id often have to drive him home from the bar in HIS car from the bar and have to crash in his bed. Guess you know what,would end up happening! But we always thought the other wasn’t into the other, just a convenient available drunk fuck. Wasn’t till he was moving out of state did he say,that,he always had loved me. Hearing that I finally had the nerve to tell him too. Dudes!! Speak up our you will miss it

  • I have a saying. “I have two balls and one of them isn’t crystal.” If you are interested in a guy, you should ask him out. Don’t play guessing games. You don’t have a “crystal ball.” If a guy is good looking, intelligent, and has a nice personality you can bet other guys have also noticed him and won’t wait to make a move. So, capture the moment and don’t be bashful. Besides, what have you got to loose. If he’s not interested then you’ll know. That’s not a bad thing. You could find yourself in that position too someday. :-)

  • I’ve been hooking up with a guy I met on a4a quite regularly for the last 6 or 7 months. Few months back he could tell that I was into him but said he didn’t have the time for a relationship type thing. I was confused because I wasn’t looking either but had made no mention that I was into him. Unlike other guys where I might have dropped signals, with him I kept it strictly in the bedroom. Guess he was just putting it out there. I don’t have sex with anyone but him. He’s got a great cock and is awesome in bed and sex is more then a come over fuck and leave. There’s a lot more. Sex has gotten better faster harder rougher and even more tender at moments. I trust him in what he does to me and he’s the same with me. He’s also funny, sexy, handsome, smart and all that other stuff too. I’d date him in a second. I guess were friends with benefits but I’m still confused on what he wants, if any. If I’m more then a fuck buddy to him. Don’t want to mess a good thing up and get into the whole “no time for that”. We hangout before and after. Kiss and cuddle after. Our friendship has just developed naturally because of the hot sex. We’d be the same without it.

    Now that he’s kinda called me out on it I still try to his it. But then I’m full on other times. He finds it flattering too. Which to me, makes it ok. Think ill text him tonight :)

    Don’t know if this adds to anything. Sometimes you just have to put things in words for it to make sense.

  • Einathens post should be required reading for every man in America!!
    I have a number of fwbs and fuck buddies… Several of which really want a “real” relationship… Apparently friendships aren’t enough

  • So according to Eric, that means I’m a bottom?!?!?!?

  • Honestly, I have a hard time gauging your level of interest based on how you talk about this guy- and he probably did as well. If you liked him, it was just as much up to you to make a move as it was up to him. It sounds like you were caught up in the process of dating as a game rather than genuinely assessing him as a person. If you are indeed the kind of guy who likes being asked, then do us all a favor and get over yourself.
    There’s nothing worse than a guy who can’t wrap his head around his own feelings. The lesson of the story you shared was that direct communication makes things easier- but it doesn’t always. Mine was named tony- he directly told me that he loved me and i was the best friend he’d ever had; and also that he thought i was a thief and a liar. Our communication was very direct, but over almost two years our relationship never went anywhere because his feelings were all over the place. I offer this story to illustrate the point that while being direct is a good thing, a lot of men are incapable of such because they’re emotionally damaged, unstable, or just plain self-obsessed.

  • I would not say I’m a typical guy, but I feel communication is the key to ANYTHING…

    Work, friends, lovers, husband’s (or wives)

    Nothing can work well without communication…
    That said, there is a potential for good / there is a potential for bad feelings.

    The things I don’t understand are when people (many times due to a lack of interest) just don’t communicate.

    “to spare others’ feeling… So I don’t have to feel bad for rejecting him…”
    Those last comments are, to many : good reasons for bad behavior.

    I, for one, think if communication (in general got better, that these questions about relationships wouldn’t be as important, cause there would be more understanding

  • I find it sad that most guys here on a4a even wait for the other to make a move in conversation. Rarely does anyone take the initative to make the first move and see what might happen. It is no wonder there are so many lonely people here on the net. That is my thoughts.

  • Sounds like drama to me… if a guy can’t state his interest (on either side of the relationship) and gets upset about things like this, you’re better off without. Communication is a 2 way street.

  • I’m in a situation right now where I know me and the guy like each other but I’m good with it just as we are. There is no sex but we love being around each other and we have a great time when we are alone. I don’t want a relationship and he is in a “situation”. The chemistry between us is beautiful. I think it’s a good thing and I don’t want to push anything and mess things up. May not make sense to the reader, but it makes perfectly good sense to me.

  • This is very similar to a situation I was recently in. I met this guy at a coffee shop through mutual friends and we became very close over the past summer. I had no earthly idea he was into guys because I didn’t ask and vice versa. One day at a friends birthday party I told him I was into both guys and girls and he said he was also. We started going to the gym on a daily basis when I met this other guy at the gym. So me and the other guy would workout together leaving my friend feeling like the 3rd wheel, but I always asked him before and after was he ok with another person working out with us and he said yes everytime. after a month of working out with the new guy he asked me out on a date which I agreed to. I told my friend the next day about it and he became VERY distant at the gym. he wouldn’t talk to me, he wouldn’t look me in the eyes, he wouldn’t acknowledge my existence at the gym but always texted or called to make sure I was going to the gym. One night after the gym I finally asked him what was going on between us, did he want to be gym buddies, or did he want to date me. He said “he thought he made it obvious that he wanted to be more than friends, but I missed my chance”. After that night I haven’t seen nor heard from him. I tried calling, texting, fb messaging him no response. I feel kind of bad because he is a great guy and we got along perfectly, but It’s very hard when there is no communication if you are interested in someone.

  • Let me say this, I’ve always let guys step to me. Not chase me, but if your not MAN enough to speak your desire than you’re not the 1 for me. Not to say that I havent had to check my share of THIRSTY smuts. But my attitude usually repels most of them. But the few real loves of my life came correct n CHEMISTRY took care of the rest. When u have that there’s no room for chance bcuz both ppl just gravitate to each other knowingly.

  • I think we know as gay men that this sh!t happens every day in NYC.I was in a 8 year relationship and my boy would wake up at 4 in the morning be at the gym till 5 and shower and quote on quote be at work at 7. We know as gay men we have that gaydar and know when a guy is feeling you out. The reason he did not push up on him was because he had a boyfriend at home.

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