24 Jan 2014

Speak Out : Gay Friendship…

Category: Speak Out

friend

Hi, guys, it’s Friday…hope you had a wonderful week and I’d like to wish you all an amazing weekend!

Today I want to talk about something that I always had problem with, gay friendship.

When I was a kid, I ONLY had girl friends. I had no connection with guys at all. And then I started being bullied because I was hanging out with girls only, and acting like one of them, and my girls were (almost) always there to defend me even though they didn’t even know I was gay yet. 

Years later, I continued this pattern. I only got connections with girls for friendship. Guys were for sex or for dating. And I had no straight guy friends. Recently (4 years ago) I started having gay guy friends when I broke up with my ex.

To be honest, I’m not sure that my gay friends are my best friends. Why? I feel like gay friendship is always a bit fake or ambiguous. Whether we are friends for parties, for pride festivities, for drinks and dinners or traveling, or fuckbuddies. I feel that we never have real deep conversations, genuine love, honesty etc. We rarely share private things like I did with my girlfriends. My girlfriends know everything about me. From what I ate for lunch, to my last hookup, my family, they even come with me at the doctor to get results for STI and so on. I don’t get this connection with guys. Why? Am I alone in this situation? Is this normal?

Anonymous

97 comments for Speak Out : Gay Friendship…

  • Well u doing better than me never even had conversation with female like that not even a phone number you doing very good far as guys I don’t have any friends ones do keep in touch just do it because I’m the one have money all the time I been trucking 15 years thought I would have a dozen of dudes for friends but my job keeps me alone 100% of the time can’t get nobody come pick me up from truck stop

  • I’m the one should be complaining just because I don’t drink or smoke or club I’m the bad guy everyone looks over me because I don’t do any of those things you can just not for me don’t need it my story should be one out here so you doing great with what you have

  • My best friend is gay, he was my cousins hook up and he and I are like brothers, we have slept together and nothing sexual has ever happened. He’s 5 years older than me so I treat him as my older brother, we pay for each other’s things, he takes care of me when I go to the club and some creep starts bothering me and I do the same. I could honestly not have asked for a better friend. However I don’t have many straight male friends and I try to keep girl friends at a low. I feel like I can’t share too much with them as I could with a guy.

  • I know what you mean se thing happend to me. But so have straight and gay friends…. my best friend and I know each other since we were 7 years old but we use to hate each other.
    About 7 year ago we reunited again, he told me he was gay so did I and since then we been inseparable we are always there for each other.
    Sometime our bond is so tight we can read each others mind or feel when the other one is not ok.
    He is my brother from another mother and I love him very much.

  • I don’t think you’re alone in this.
    I’m the same way, although, I have 2 best friends, one is a female, the other is a straight male.
    I find it easier to talk to them, than other gay men.
    I feel it’s almost impossible to make friends with other gay guys, because it seems like they desire for the end result to be a hookup, and as someone who has been in a relationship for 2 years, a hookup isn’t what I desire.
    That’s been a constant issue, with my bf, because he wants to use Adam and Grindr, to find guys for drinks and friendship, but I know within 5 minutes the conversation will evolve into picture trading and sex.
    Seems ridiculous.
    I don’t have a single gay friend in my life, there are a few that I know socially, but we don’t talk outside of the club.

  • I have had my 3 best friends for 30 years. One is a gay male…the other is a straight male and the other is a straight woman and we all have known each other for several decades…so unfortunately I can’t relate.

  • I’m the exact same way. I hang out with a couple girlfriends and that’s basically it. I have a few gay friends and whenever they talk about their little circles of gay friends it’s always the same, drama. Drama. Drama.

  • It’s all in your head, just as it was in mine during high school and for a few years in college. Friendships in general are fake or ambiguous if you’re trying to befriend people who you simply don’t relate with that well. There are plenty of “straight” friendships that are disingenuous, so the challenge in forging strong relationships really applies to everyone…especially when you consider the dynamic of various sexualities people can have. Personally, I just had to rework how I thought about other gay guys so that I could calm down and go with the flow. It took me awhile to get to a point where I could have coffee with a guy without thinking it was the beginning of a relationship. Ironically my partner and I were platonic friends for two years before the tangible steps to a relationship started to happen. As for developing friendships with straight guys, it’s really as simple as just being yourself and then the ball is in their court as to whether or not they’re cool with you. To some extent, you’re probably a lot less open with potential guy friends than you are with your girl friends…and that will affect how people respond to you. Ultimately great friendships can be hard to come by, but they end up being worth the search and effort once you have them.

  • i have a gay best friend for the past 9 years,we tell each other everything,we’re honest with each other,we have the same hobbies,sometimes we fight,and ive told him that he’s stubborn as hell,can be a dick at times,and he’s annoying,but in the end,we care about each other big time,he’s always been there for me,i always been there for him,i cant imagine my life without him,and we’re not into the gay scene,we hate bars/clubs,ive been to pride with my aunt,her best friend,my sister,her best friend,and my bf at the time,there’s nothing fake about our friendship,and we’re not fuck buddies,although last year we did get together,but it wasnt just a hook up,i care about him a lot,and he care about me,and what we had was special,i hope you find a best friend who will be there for you,like mine has to me

  • Beleave it or not you can have real gay friend I do I have like 7 or 8 or more we talk hangout and everything and guess what there’s no sex involved at all it’s hard at first no puns intended lol.its about who opens up first well that’s how it was with me and my friends not saying it’s that way for everyone but it doesn’t hurt to give it a try who know you might find out if your better friends then you thought

  • I believe the same thing myself… No – you are not alone in thinking this way…
    Keep in mind one thing – If you do meet the one guy you want, you will have the opportunity to do this, and you always be able to tell him the reasons why this is something reserved just for you and him… Hang with the bitches for now! :)

  • my best friend is gay. we share the most intimate aspects of our life with each other, cry on each others shoulder, talk about money, our love life with whomever we are with, everything.

  • It probably just depends on the person and environment where one grows up. Most of my friends are and have been straight men even though I was raised in the Deep South and was out. I have close girl and gay friends too. Just less. But that is probably because I just have more straight male friends who introduce me to other straight male friends who aren’t gay-phobic.

  • There are great friendships between and among gay men. I was similar to you in my experience with girls and young women, but I have gay friends now I could count on above everyone. These are not sexual relationships, I don’t have sex with my friends. Just hang in there, you’ll find them. In fact having found my true gay friends in the last few years is the thing that gives me hope that I will find a partner to share life with. I think it’s just a matter of timing; the right time and place. With these guys I can really be myself and I love it. I love my queer friends, a lot.

  • I dont know why it’s hard to make best friends with gays. It’s not easy to form a group of friends to do mundane things together like playing cards, doing sports or going to movies together but parties seem easier. All my exes are my gay friends now but I wouldn’t call them best friends. Perhaps when you don’t have to impress them any more or no sex is involved or no threat in showing your insecurities then you’re freely to be yourself with the ones that support you no matter what hard times you have to go through. At least you have your girlfriends as best friends buddy.

  • Growing up I connected with girls much quicker and easier than guys but nevertheless my best friend for over 20 years from youth to adult was a guy. Now I never admitted to being gay even though I was bullied for being a “fag” and he never asked. So I did and still do connect and have friendships with guys. Some know I’m gay and some don’t. What I find opposite from you is I have very dear friendship only relationships with several gay men. It’s easier for me to make friends with a guy than it is to date one!

  • I think the reason so many gay men don’t have real friends is that they don’t really understand what a friend is. For me, a friend is someone I can call at 2am and he’ll go out in a blinding rainstorm to pick up a prescription and bring it to me, make sure I take the medicine, make me a cup of tea, and then curl up on my couch for the rest of the night in case I need something. Unfortunately, most of the gay men I have met think that if they met a guy in a bar, know his first name and have had a drink with him twice, he is a friend, even if they don’t know his last name, what he does, where he lives, or anything else about him. Perhaps it’s because we’re taught to see men as sex objects and not to get deeply involved except when we fall in love. Maybe it’s just that we’re as superficial as we’re often made out to be. I don’t know the reason. But I’m very careful about who I call “friend.”

  • My best friends growing up were always my male friends, and most still are. For largely that reason I never felt like, or identified with, the stereotypical gay man whose best friends is the straight girl. I do have a few gay male friends, but being able to maintain my friendships with straight men actually helped me feel more accepted. For many years, my (departed) boyfriend’s and my best friends were a straight couple. However both my straight and gay male friends have been open and honest with me. They’ve especially helped me through my recent grief.

  • I have been trying to make gay friends, but it is highly difficult! Haha, sex sex sex and then crickets!

    I do have a few but it is hard to maintain.

  • You are not hanging out with the right people I guess. I live in southern California which is the center of the gay superficial male. People are people. Attempt to make friends around things other then the typical gay bullshit — go hiking, join a reading group, sit in coffee shops and look existential… Above all, use your head for something else than a place to put a hat.

  • I see lots of guys having this issue. It saddens me. I have a group of gay male friends who I’m close with. My best friend who also happens to be a gay man, is as close to me as you listed your girl friends to be. I know all his likes and irritations and yes, all the guys he is or isn’t screwing. No sexual attraction as he is my sister, he may as well be a ken doll, pretty but nothing there for me :) I couldn’t imagine life without having male friends. As close as I am with lots of my females, they don’t always understand where I’m coming from as a man with whatever issue I may be having or the way I express myself. Other gay men, can. That male bonding (without it being connected to sexual activity) is priceless. I also have plenty of straight male friends who I’ve become close with. It’s very interesting to see them open up with me and more often than not I get the “you know, I used to think gay guys were just blah blah blah, etc etc etc, But getting to know you, I see that is not a RULE, thanks for opening my eyes” Nothing beats that.

  • You are not alone and I’m so glad someone brought this up! Gay guys really seem like they only want a partner, fwb, or hookup. If u meet trying to be friendly it either turns sexual or you don’t meet again. I have a few (very few) gay friends but they were hard to find. It’d be nice if dick could be removed from the equation.

  • I also wanna add that if you’re really looking for friends, hang on to what you’ve got an respect it. We will never see more gay friendships if we try and handle it some other way than it is. And you know for those that’s single, the best way to find a soul mate is to establish a passionate friendship first.

  • Just how often / or how concerned are you about STI testing that you need moral support? The results don’t come for days… Sheesh

  • I’m not sure if it’s “normal”, but I can at least say you do not stand alone! I have had the same experience with all of my gay friends. Some are not interested in friendship, and only want to have sex. Some are only for having a buddy to go to the clubs or bars with. I have tried to get emotional with what I call my best gay friend, but he always changes the subject quickly. In my experience gay friends are only for fun times. I also always had girlfriends growing up, and all of my best friends to date are girls. They are the ones that are truly there for me, not only for the fun times, but for the also for the moments in which I need support or something. I really wish I could have deeper friendships with other guys, gay or straight.

  • As a closeted guy, the biggest reason I’m not out is because I have a great group of straight guy friends, and I really don’t want that to change. I don’t know any openly gay guys who have straight guy friends who just treat them like they would a straight guy. They’re almost always referred to as “my gay friend ______” rather than just “my friend _____.” I know there’s the whole argument “if they’re really your friends they’ll accept you,” but while I know they’d all accept it, I also know the dynamics of the group would change dramatically.

  • U are really not alone… Gay men are fake and want to be better than you so don’t ever give up being who you are and just fake the funk with the gay boys and keep your real girl friends. (I am being Real Truthful

  • my opinion, not normal—but people have their quirks. depends on the “st8″ guy. i have some st8 friends-some not so close, that i can talk with freely the same as with females. i feel most ‘st8′ guys may feel a little threatened thinking they will get hit upon. you should know to whom can speak freely with. most of my friends i have known for decades, so new people coming onboard has to ‘earn’ the trust and true friendship.

  • i feel the same way. i can connect better and share more things with my girlfriends than guyfriends. i feel that there is somewhat of a competition with guyfriends, especially when it comes to talking about other guys and how much sex they have or dont have (the judgey ones). i sometimes feel a bit nervous hanging out with guyfriends cause i feel that, either they secretly like me or i secretly like them and i do t wanna make it awkward. and even with straight guy friends. most of them dont really wanna hear about your last hook-up or ex problems, but they will talk all day about chicks. other times straight guys just want the attention and will flirt with you a bit, but its a lost cause. and then there are the lucky ones…but anyways, when im with my girlfriends, i feel like im dealing with honest, genuine people and even if they tell the truth, its taken to account more than if a guyfriend tells the truth. like you said, i can share my secrets and tell girlfriends whom i have a crush on, and tell them my problems, etc. and i feel like they will have my back on things, and wont try and go behind me and take my man (at least my girlfriends dont). i may be ranting now, but YES! i do feel the same way. thanks for reading.

  • I am the same way to as a mermaid its super easy to make friends with girls, i have more in common with girls then i do guys. I tried to have gay friends but for some odd reason gay people tend to not like me i dont know if its cuz im uber girly or their jealous, i just recently had to end a friendship with what i thought was a really great gay friend turns out he was nothing but insecure and fake he wanted it to be all about him. When we went to the clubs i got attention for the clothes i wore and wigs and stuff like that but im a humble person like i always say their is someone better dressed and better looking and has more money so im not hurt or trying to compete with others i know who i am as a person but my ex friend felt the need to try and talk shit to me and act like he was the shit thing was he got attention cuz i did and i think that went to his head. i always say its so easy to find crack or whatever drug u want but it harder to find good friends who care about u and are real

  • I also have noticed that my best gay friend is not open and sometimes I question to myself is his friendship at the same level as I am with him. We have not had sex but I would with him he is fantastic. He is very limited with be open and takes sometimes days to respond to text messages. Maybe this is normal with gay friends.

  • I have had a similar experience growing up and with my current friendships. My deepest connect has been with either girls or straight men. It does feel slightly ambiguous with other gay men. My opinion is that gay men are very critical of themselves and tend to compare themselves to the other. Because we know we are both gay and therefore, trying to be attractive, interesting, and impressive without maybe intending to but we passively feel we are being “sized up” no pun intended. This takes away from a lot of the things that genuine friendship requires, looking ugly, sharing weaknesses and appearing vulnerable. That is how people grow closer. I also know this because guys i have NO attraction to and have NO attraction to me I can become very close with. Something about sex?

  • Well im not sure if your alone but mine is different i was not into guys early on in life i had girlfriends and straight friends even now im 26 and still have the same friends straight men and girls i knew 15 years ago before and after i came out if anything our friendships are now closer but when it comes to gay men i have no friends really only because it seems like you said its a bit tough to open up usually all i get are friends at first then they want to hook up later maybe thats what makes us put up a wall and harder to communicate with each other most gay men cant help but to think about sex we are horny dogs in constant heat.

  • I used to not have many guy friends in school at all either but growing up I have found some really close ones, both gay and straight. I’m still very young, I’ll be 23 in the spring, but I know that my relationships with my gay guy friends are strictly platonic (I used to date one in high school so that’s over and done with haha), and my relationship with my one straight best friend is great, we tell each other EVERYTHING and I see him as the brother I always wish I had growing up

  • I don’t thinks you are alone and I do think that is normal, I have some many girlfriends, and (well not here where live rightnow,but in las vegas) many straight and gay friends that are guys, but some of my girlfriends say that they dont have female friends, why “becuase of the way they are” they feel more confortable having guy friends, and I mean friends jot fb, than they with girls,in your case is the opposite, but for what you say about that gay friendships are a bit fake, well let me tell you that I my best friends are 1 female, and 3 gay guys, we have been thru hell and back together, we have had deep conversations, they know tjibg that I wouldn’t tell anybody, I know things that they wouldnt tell anybody, lfor me thety are my sisters, and I’m not saying that there is no fake people or people that offer you a fake friend ship, but that is everywhere whether you’re gay, straight, lesbian or an alien, don’t fall in to the steriotype, and give your self a chance to gwt to know gay friends although be selective but also with the girls, or let me ask you can it be that you say that because you feel threatened by other gay guys and you feel safer with girls??…. meaning that you probably think that an other gay guy might take a guy away from you???…

  • Never had a close gay male friend, I feel it’s impossible.

  • Gay men know no borderies so i don t have gay friends..i never met a gay guy yet who hasn t tried to make a sexual move on me. It annoys me. Seriously…life has more to offer than sex

  • I had a lot of girlfriend growing up as well. Went through the same thing. But now I have a lot more straight guy friends than girl friends. I love it! I guess I got lucky. I only have a few gay guy friends and they’re ok. But my straight guy friends make me feel more accepted than my gay ones!

  • Hi,
    I can relate to with what you’re saying. All throughout high school, and up until I broke up with my last ex boyfriend I had had mostly girl friends who I confided in. At one point in my life I was asking myself “Is it possible to have gay, guy friends?”. I wanted to have gay guy friends because we are of the same culture, so it felt natural to want gay guy friends. About two years ago I hooked-up with this one guy, and the hook-up went really well. So we continued seeing each other every now and then. Then one day he came over and we made dinner, watched a movie, and chatted. We had a good time and didn’t have sex. He started coming over and hanging out, making dinner, smoking cigarettes, and chatting. And still we had a good time without having sex. For over a year we have been hanging out at my place or his place, going out to eat and having drinks, did Seattle Pride (it was the best Pride ever because I went with my gay friends). Our relationship went from being a hook-up to being an actual friends with benefits. I recently started hanging out with this one guy who’s potential relationship material and into threesomes. So my new interest and I discussed it and invited my friend to play with us, which he accepted and came and we had a lot of fun, twice in the same day, too. We haven’t played alone in a long time, and we both have stated we don’t want to date each other because we know the relationship we do have is more valuable than if we try to make it something it’s not. And as far as the sex between us, we feel we get more out of hanging out with each other than getting off with each other. And I tell him all my hook-ups and he tells me all his hook-ups, and we’ve shared life stories, are dirtiest secrets. My best gay friend is my pal and my confidant.

  • No you are not alone. Have you tried having deep conversations with your gay friends?

  • I have always had close male friends. Some gay and others straight. I’ve had close friends that are girls as well, but very few that I was as close to as my guy friends. Last Summer I lost my best gay friend to a massive heart attack. We where friends since our time in Boy Scouts. We stayed very close even when he moved across country. There’s a big hole in my life since he’s been gone. I think like all things, there’s no right or wrong for this situation, just what works best for each person.

  • Many Gay Men have wonderful relationships with other Gay Men. Whether it starts out sexual, then leads to long lasting friendships, or chance meetings out an about, you can experience what others share with their friends.

  • Interesting, and no you’re not alone, I see the same thing happening all the time, and I wonder why I have gay friends who will actually just hang out with me, and do what best friends do… Everything! Sharing moments thoughts, insecurities, you name it. Most guys just want the friend that they can mess around with rather than the friend they can have that friendly kind of brotherly love.

    bromances are a thing of the past it seems for gay guys…

  • I feel this way also, I also feel that I always connect better with girls and find connections with guys be they gay or straight a challenge or harder to relate with.

  • I am not sure if this applies but lets see what happens when I say what I want to say on this thread concerning friendhip.
    I am on my third relationship, partnered almost 20 years and my partner was married str8 and came out about some 5 years before we met..sadly, he has only been with a few people claiming no anal sex or swallowing cum, etc etc and when we met it was an instant attraction and we discussed our pasts etc .. he being my third in so many years etc and what we had done sexually etc .. he seemed fine with all that and I included my friends from previous relationship to be his friends etc .. cause he didn’t have many gay friends mostly str8 couples married who were fine his being gay now and included me .

    our relationship has really stood some tests which I will explain here and hopefully I won’t get deleted, I would really appreciate some feedback on what to do or not to do with all what I am about to divulge.

    four years into the relationship we stopped having sex and we never had anal anyway it was just jo and some oral no swallowing etc .. he find out he is +, we are totally freaked out from this since he claims no anal and no swallowing etc .. he thinks he got it from transfusion when had surgeries back in the day .. case in point I had str8 step bro who got it from and he had AIDS and died in 1989 at age 29.

    also I began to really wonder where I was going to try find any companionship sexually after this announcement.. I became good friends with my first partner but no sex just friends but that was cut short in 2001 he was murdered by jealous Hispanic partner; I tried reaching out to my 2nd partner who dumped me for younger Asian lover but he moved out to san fran and started reckless sexual activities and became + as well .. then I was in a rock in hard place, I started doing the public sex thing as I did when I came out way back in 1978 when I was str8 and lost my only girlfriend by telling her I was gay we are still good friends now, the public sex stuff lasted till I got arrested by vice cop at a mall, I turned around with a soft cock at urinal he said it was hard and I came on to him, his word against me cost me the job at the time and after much legal fees therapy and community service I got off on a year probation I am not on record for anything bad but I am still at loss for the love and sexual need I had with this partner now, he is undetectable but swears up and down no sex, am sorry I cant go celibate so I ever jack off a lot or time to time I do meet guys for trysts in getting blown etc. haven’t done anal in over 20+ years just get blown to completion .. just yearn for a new friend just one to play with .. so am I wrong to do what I have done ..

    thanks

  • I have close relationships with gay friends because we do share a lot of things with each other. From sneaking out to go to the club to who was my last trick. It’s up to you to share these details with your friends. I’m blessed to have a group of great friends who are just that, great!

  • You are not alone. I was the same way and I still am. I never had the need for guy friends. Even when I came out the gay guys I hung with were so fake I just wanted to break away. I nevelt as if I could be myself and when a glimpse of the real me came out I was told I wasn’t how they were. I was so glad that a fight between the two main ppl broke out and everyone was shown for who they were. Now I keep in touch with them because honestly without them I never would have been informed as much as I was about different things. I must say in my life all I need is my girls and the man I will be with. He will be the only male friend I need.

  • It just means you get along better with females. Nothing wrong or strange with that. Guys, even gay ones, can act completely different than girls. I personally think gay guys can be bitchier than girls. Lol! Anyway, if you wanna make guy friends, go ahead, but don’t feel bad about clicking better with girls. It’s just your personality, and your peraonality is what makes you “You”! :-)

  • You are not alone on this issue. I too am experiencing this. Although, I have both girls and guys that are straight that are some of my closest friends. I always wondered why I didn’t have gay friends, I have not had ever had a problem finding a hookup, regular bud, or boyfriend. But when it comes to having gay friends I never seemed to be able to establish that sort of relationship.

  • I always felt this way as well that gay guy friends were never really friends.. I had only ever been friends with straight guys or girls… But one gay guy caught me by surprise.. We were friends since high school and just that friends… then when we had graduated we both ended up moving around the corner from each other.. and out of my whole life he was the best friend I had ever had… I am not an open book emotionally but I have expressed more of my feelings with him that I have any other friends I have ever had.. he was simply amazing… WE are still friends and I love him deeply… So I guess what I am trying to say is that it is possible to have a gay guy best friend, you just have to find one that fits your puzzle… it is hard but I am sure he is out there… Another thing finding any best friend is like finding a mate you have to find that person that meshes not only with some of your personality but your personality as a whole… Like when you’re sad, happy, or mad or what ever other emotion its just a little harder with gay guys because as a people we tend to be catty, always wanting to out do any other gay person we see.. It is just finding the one that fits…

    Good Luck..

  • It’s been the opposite for me. I’ve never trusted females with my private thoughts, feelings, and emotions. I’ve never felt like they could keep a secrete. My closest friends are guys like me. There is always some sexual attraction initially but once we’ve decided we’re not compatible as lovers the friendship takes off and lasts through out time.

  • Well all I have ever had was girls there for me growing. Up. I get along better with them better.like you.,I can always be myself. And speak freely. Gay men i just don’t feel them. To much to deal with talk to much. And NO respect for self or others. Its always about them or nothing.I’m not into drugs or drink everyday like most.most all my good friends are women and I have fun with them.. stay away. From gay men unless you dateing one.trust me you will be Be better off.

  • Most of my gay friendships don’t last long. Simply because we are all sensitive people. One thing and it’s over. So much drama… I have two gay guy friends whom I don’t sleep with. The rest have have at least been in bed with me a few times, and some I don’t think would be friends with me if they couldn’t. Maybe some day there will be a gay guy I can call my best friend, but for now, I don’t trust any of them as far as I can throw them.

  • As a man with Asperger’s, I don’t seem to form many real close friendships. I tend to be friendly and outgoing (this wasn’t always the case). My trend seems to be one of having a lover and socializing with their friends and family. I’ve had 2 close friends my whole life that weren’t romantic. One was gay and the other bisexual. I am going to cut myself off before I begin a rant that’s hard to follow.

    Are there any other Aspies on here? I’m just curious.

  • I don’t have gay friends. I have 1 best friend which happens to be a girl…. I’m more of a loner and not ashamed to be one… a lot of people are fake… I rather mess myself over than have someone do it to me… so your not wrong feeling the way you feel…

  • I feel like my comment could begin with “dear diary” except for I don’t keep a diary or journal. I would imagine that gay friendships you could call genuine are those which began in early youth or adulthood. Those bonds are strongest. The guys I’ve met from my 30’s and beyond are already far too deeply set in their ways to keep platonic friendship a priority if some hot guy hits them up for a date or NSA sex seems a probability. They’re so quick to cancel plans in favor of the other guy who they would prefer to get to ‘know’. Sometimes, they get so distracted by that other opportunity they full on disappear for days, weeks, or months. Then they act completely clueless as to why I have no respect or interest in reuniting with them when they do realize their stupidity and want to hangout. C’mon, get a clue. If you see me as a friend, you shouldn’t be so quick to treat me like a backup plan everytime some hot guy says hello. I’d never do that to you. As for on here, honestly, I don’t even know why that goal option even exists. Most of us on here either want to hook up casually or find that elusive LTR. Friendship on here for the most part means FWB according to those I’ve surveyed. N’est-ce pas?

  • @truckertravis – i’m not surprised you don’t have any gay friends, you’re very conceited – and your profile shows no signs of looking for friendship – so you just came on here to pat yourself on the back and make sure everyone knows how “hot” you are – i find this behavior to be the main reason i do not care to have many gay friends

  • Growing up, I always felt more comfortable around females, but I ALWAYS had guy friends! My best friends were always guys! When I came out my best friend at the time turned out to be gay ad well. Now, on the edge of 30, for the first time in my life, most of my close friends are females (albeit lesbians). But, my best friend, whom I adore (and I knew the feeling is mutual), is still a guy!

  • All my friends are gay men. My closest friends are gay men. These friendships have lasted decades. The friendships were instant. No sex. No contrived drama crap. We have lives. We have lovers. We have partners. The partners did not last. The friendships did.

    Being gay is not why we are friends. We just are.

  • I’m 26 and have a fair few genuine gay friends. I think if you mainly want guys for sex, then those are the people you’ll gravitate towards. Since I’ve never been one for hooking up, and am engaged, sex has been off the table for 4 years. The people I talk to know this, so the main thing gay guys seem to connect over isn’t there. So we actually talk, and actually connect, instead of boning. They’re very close, and we’ve never had sex. I’ve never understood why that’s so important to gay guys. They want to bang all of their friends, and then wonder why they don’t have real ones.

    It’s not difficult. You just have to stop thinking with your dick for 5 minutes when talking with another guy. You’d be surprised what can happen.

  • Gay friends tend to make the worst friends. Many gay guys are superficial. Forget about being friends with a gay couple for friendship, that’s even worse than one on one. Most of my best friends are straight. So many gay men never grow up. They want to keep hanging out with guys younger ad younger. Many (not all) gay men are very immature and that’s the problem. They define themselves as “gay”, never ” a man who is gay”. There is a difference. Everything has to be “gay related” with these guys. It is such a turn off.

  • My best friend is Andre and we were friends from an early age of 13 and we are still friends no matter where we are in the world.
    we actually live in different parts of the world but we are still in a platonic relationship.
    He is always there for me and I can guarantee we will always be there for each other since its a bond and understanding we share as friends. And communication and honesty are the main factors for a genuine friendship.
    From experiences and what I know and saw, gays are not always honest and genuine and they tend to live up to their expectations of sleeping with their best friend or potential best friend’s boyfriend.
    But we can all be gay and have gay friendships if we so choose but just be sincere, genuine and honest with each other.
    And as a matter of fact all friendships should be treated with the same whether it be gay or straight!

  • True friendship is a rare almost sacred event, It involves the giving of ones real self to another bit by bit, piece by piece. This is not something that anyone should imagine can be picked up at a bar, or a parade, or a fuck party They are all fine in and of themselves for what they are.
    The “form” of the friendship has nothing to do with it’s quality. A true friend is a gift from God, sometimes to repay us for family, and colleagues, sometimes just a happy gift to . Cherish your friends, for they are sacred gifts and forget about how they conform or do not conform to what others may expect of you, or your values.

  • In my experience, the problem has always been that if a gay man is not attracted to you, he cannot be your friend. It is as if the idea is, “heaven forbid you not be attracted sexually to your friend…I mean really, what if you end up needing to have sex with him?” Since that has been what I have encountered, I have few gay friendships, being a rather fat bear. I had a guy even tell me once, “yeah, I am sure you are a good person, but I don’t want to be friends with someone who isn’t my type.” Of course it doesn’t help that I have no interest in clubbing or drinking, which seems to be all that the gay men I meet believe is available to do for a good time. Basically, I have one longterm gay friend who lives across the country, a couple of gay movie buddies, a whole lot of female buds, and my best friend is a straight female cousin who is 4 years older than me… never met many gay men who would make that total much different

  • As a kid my 3 main friends were guys, I got along with girls too and in class would talk more to them because my friends were in other classes but outside of school- just a few guys.

    Now as an adult, it’s pretty mixed with guys and girls. I have a lot of casual friends, just a few I would call close and those are a couple guys and a girl. The close friends happen to be straight but I think that’s more because there aren’t that many gay guys around here. I can see where sex and attraction might get in the way (like Harry told Sally that straight men and women can’t be friends) but the gay friends I have are people I’ve known a while so I’m over that with them LOL.

  • First you have to decide which is important sex or friendship. To me it easier to find sex tthen friendship. Most (99%) of my friends are men either gay or straight. In fact only recently have I any women friends. I just find it a lot easier to relate to men. And once a straight or gay friend gets married I try to place some distance in the friendship.

  • I do not trust gay men as friends. From my experience, gay men/friends will try to “take” your man (secretly). I prefer to have a straight male as a friend, however, there are precautions…their women (girl friends or wives) will become insecure and wonder about the friendship. I have been in this situation numerous times over the years. I feel like I cannot trust anyone as far as friendship is concerned. I wish that straight people would open their minds and except gay men for who they are (stop being intimidated).

  • I am a gay guy and my best friend is a straight guy. He was the very first person I came out to. He was very supportive and cool about it. We discuss everything from the best tasting beer too how our love lives are going. Aside from family and from work/my coworkers, I do not associate with women and I am perfectly 100 percent okay with that!

  • Friendship happens when you connect with someone, usually in a non-sexual way but that’s not always the case. As varied as we ourselves are is as varied as what it takes for us to form friendships. Male/female/gay/straight/ethnicity/age/interests/etc. … all those factors come into play in their own ways when we form friendships. They’re not usually factors we overtly pick and chose. I’m fortunate to have a pool of friends who are different in many ways, some female/male, some gay/straight, some younger/older. Friendships are a surprise and are a blessing, a gift of sorts.

    Maybe if gay guys spent more time being the kind of person others would want as friends, they’d form better realtionships than those they try to form based on whether a guy is Black, has a hairy chest, has a “cute bubble butt”, wears a suit, has a beard, etc.

  • In my lifetime I have collected a few well chosen best friends – gays and straight. People I met while in high school, college and after. One of the most interesting thing about my friends is that we tend to have two things in common – we love a particular sports and we are always discussing or actively participating in civil/human rights or gay right issues. I have never had sex with any of my friends and I remember a while back when one came on to me and I told him that if we should go down that road it would absolutely change the dynamic of our friendship, and for me it was more important that he remains and friend than that I lose in the long run a friend and a lover.

    I think if you want to have great friends then you need to bond over an activity other than being gay.

  • I think the problem that many guys have with gay friends is that the only thing they have in common with each other is being gay. We have that shared history of repression that binds us, but is that really enough to sustain a long friendship? It is sort of like people from your previous job in a way. You have that shared experience, especially if it was a bad one, but you may not have much else in common.

    Common interests and the ability to love someone for their flaws as much as for their amazingness in my mind will get you a lot farther. That is something all of my true friends — straight, gay, men, women — have in common.

  • I can totally relate I have three really good gay friends in my home country. I have since migrated and cannot seem to duplicate the bonds I formed with my best friends. The acquaintances I have formed seem very superficial and limited in their potential. I always though it was me and usually ask myself, “what am I doing wrong??”

  • I guess I am blessed because I have best friends who are gay & straight and male & female. I must admit most of my gay friends I’ve met on Adam.

  • Those hoes will sleep with your man! lol. Seriously though, I think its safe to say that we all want sex and when we get horny we just wanna fuck and nothing else matters. This even includes fucking your best friends man, It might even make it more hot lol. I think best way to take this in stride is just to invite all the guys over to bang your man till the point where he cant stand them. After that he’ll walk a straight line and your friends will likely just only call u when they wanna bang your boyfriend, It will help you see whos who. Not too many genuine gay friends. Anytime I meet a guy for a date and he tells me some story about his “friend(s)” in my mind I always think “they totally fuck”. Okay so there might be some guys that are going to argue against this, but any of the ones I met who do argue it are the guys who cant get it up!. Trust no one.

  • Well it seems as though u carried your childhood social hangups into your adult life. I have 5 straight friends, our brotherhood has spand 35 yrs. Through distance, death, life, and love. Im the homosexual of the group, they know abt my lifestyle bcuz they’re not dumb n we have gay aquaintences and or relatives. We’re brothers 1st our sexual desires have always been secondary. I have great girlfreinds gay n straight, and a few select gay best friends/family. I think gays get hung up on the sterotype of sleepin/sleezin around and thats why so many dnt have true friendships. Any social situation that u go into what u put in is what you’ll get out. If u go in using your body, basing it on sex then that sets the dynamic for what youll get out, in turn if you go in with your mind n heart then thats what itll b based on. Only you can determine what you want or need, and it doesnt matter gay/straight male/female

  • I am a 55 gay man and I have never had any problems making friends gay or straight of all ages…I look for friends that have similar interests to me , share the same values, and above all are not conceited nor ‘superficial’.
    You tend to attract what you project… and nor do I sleep with them.

  • I can relate, I’ve always been trusting of females way more than males. I have a bunch of sisters(blood) it was easier. I didnt play basketball, or football, just track, and what every my sisters wanted. I can relate to females. Usually females, in my case, are very open to gay dudes. Didnt start talking to straight dudes until my current job. I have two true friends outside my family, One gay dude, and one straight female.

  • WELL I HAVE TOO MANY STRAIGHT FRIENDS. ALL WICH FEEL TOO COMFERTABLE WITH ME. I HAVE ONE GAY FRIEND. AND ONE GIRL BEST FRIEND THE REST STRAIGHT GUYS. WELL I CANT BE FRIENDS WITH GAY MEN. MOST HAVE GIRL PERSONALITIES AND CANT KEEP TO THEMSELFS

  • I think you may just not meet the right gay guys to be friends with. I have several gay male friends and we have the deepest conversations of all my friends. They are like family not of course of those friends none of us want to sleep with each other. Maybe that is the answer in order to have gay male friends with a deep connection you need to not want to sleep with them. My opinion is that sex is great but men think way to much with their little head. It gets in the way. I would say find a group of gay male friends that don’t make you want to jump their bones right away. I mean it is not to say you can not find them attractive but exclude sex from the picture and see how that goes.

  • After reading the comments here to Mr. Anonymous’ Post, I’m seeing that having a good gay male friend is a much bigger issue than I would have thought. I’m wondering if the issues of shame, fear and guys being DL plays a role in many here not being able to make the deeper connection of real friendship. When a “relationship” is formed on the bases of gratuitous sex, there is no need to bond or get to know more about a guy other than his name, status & how we gonna get that nutt. But when the relationship is first made on non sexual factors mutual interests like social justice, the arts, Cars or politics etc.. Sex if it happens isn’t the bases for your interests and connection to one another and you have something build a bond on. I have three great guy friends who are gay. I also have A best friend who is str8 and married w/children, My cousin a Str8 female and a married Lesbian couple ALL who are great supportive funny interesting complex and devoted friends and the feeling is mutual.

  • I really feel sorry for your situation. I wish I could tell you what you might be doing wrong, but I can’t. I just put forth my friendship and love out there. Just be there for someone and the friendship and love will develop. My lover and I have been in a 24 year relationship and many of his old friends are now my friends a couple that I can say are very good friends. Sex does not come into play with friendship. I have a number of gay friends (both male and female) that I consider to be very good friends if not best friends. I hope you don’t think that I’m blowing (no pun intended) my own horn, but I would really be lost without some of my (best) friends. I hope that someday you will be able to have a good friend or friends that you can say and consider to be your best friend or friends. Good luck.

  • Enjoy the friends you have. I had mostly girl friends growing up and they were and still are the best. Most of my gay male “friends” are former sex partners. They really want to hear more about my sex life and are always wanting to get back in my pants. At least with the girls you don’t have to worry about that. I have a few straight male friends. Nice to hear about their lives too. I can’t have a male roommate because their dick always gets in the way. Keeping the gay out of your friendships may be the best idea.

  • It easier for some people to have friends and makes lasting bonds than it is for others, it the same way with straight people. A girl might automatically assume that her guy is F*****G another girl once he talks to her. People see us the same way, i have really close gay friends that i hang with all the time, and we went out once, and met a few straight people, and automatically they assumed that once a gay guy knows another gay guy that they are sleeping around together. Had to correct them.
    I also have 1 really close straight guy friend, and he knows everything about me, there is nothing that i hide from him, and its the same way, there is also nothing that he keeps from me.
    I agree with some of these guys here, about some people just around for what you have and all that, but you have to be the one to realize who is good for you and who isn’t.

  • I was in you same spot for many years and then things just began to change, you know just like tide pools are there own little worlds until the tide comes in and the everything meets up for a little while. I have a straight best friend, a gay best friend, and a girl best friend, and then my boyfriend, that have all crossed paths at some point in my life with each other due to the nature of things we tell one another everything, we fight, we stop talking, tell one another when we are being stupid, meet the others boy/girlfriend, support one another in times of need (death in the family, bad report from the dr, go see them in shows. etc.) even cry together and yes that includes the straight guy. we all have a family Christmas together where after we have all spent time with our families we then all meet at some ones and do our “family thing “. So it all just depends on how you let people into your life and how honest you are with them up front after getting to know them and you getting to know them. when the time is right the “tide” will wash the right people into your life and you will see what it’s like to have friends of all kinds.

  • I’ve managed to avoid the conflict between friendship and sexual interest with the mantra “I don’t fuck my friends.” Only once has being hit on been an issue, so I stopped hanging out with him. Then again I’m also blessed (and cursed) with an over abundance of self control.

  • @stillboredinpa……..lol…don t mistake my a4a profile for my everyday identity in real life…….u must be the type who trusts everyguy who tells u they are neg lol……..u got things twisted…….n quite typical of a guy to judge me by my pix or profile instead of what i was saying about guys that i know in REAL LIFE……..

  • I have (and don’t particularly WANT, after reading this) no gay friends whatsoever, only straight ones.

    After reading this? Now I KNOW why I don’t have any. Pretty self explanatory once this entire blog is read.

    95% of gay men don’t and never will know what the meaning of “true friendship” will EVER be to them in their pathetic lives…..

  • One’s sex is irrelevant when it comes to friendships. I’ve had straight male friends, gay male friends, straight female friends and gay female friends.

    The only “friends” that ever stabbed me in the back were the straight female friends; even then, their shitty-ness doesn’t rep all straight females.

    My straight male friends have never tried to hurt me. Neither have my lesbian pals.

    Gay [male] friends have to be older than me as many of the young ones tend to act more like the straight females I mentioned earlier; I’ve never been betrayed by one, but it could’ve easily gone down that path. And they seem to always want to sabotage the friendship with sex. They don’t rep all, they’re just what I’ve experienced.

  • I always say gay friendship are most of the time the worst when ur friends see you happy they always try everything to see you down. I only have one gay friend he’s like my brother maybe cause he used to be my by years ago and now we are not together but we care about each other a lot he recently got engaged I’m so happy for him but I always have girl friends I feel more comfortable talking to then but my friend he’s always there for me and I’m always there for him too

  • You are absolutely not alone. I live in a smaller-sized city, and all of the gay guys here have either dated or hooked up at some point. It is very awkward to have meaningful, open, friendships with people like that. There are “acquaintances” everywhere, but friendships are rare. A sad reality, but true. My only advice is to stick with the female friends who have stuck by you, or meet their straight guy friends. I’m afraid the gay crowd is, unfortunately, a lost cause.

  • I have gay guy friends. I love my friendship with them. We get together,hang out, do movie nights, shop, go to games together and plan trips together and have fun. I still have my female and hetero male friends. I too started to have gay guy friends after my break up. They helped me through the break up and I was able to talk them about my problems and they were able to help me through it by sharing their experiences with me. It helped me a lot better than my female and my hetero guy friends because they knew exactly what I went through. So I say don’t be to worried about how you feel and embrace your your gay male friends if they are true friends they will be there until the end. I am blessed mine are here til the end!

  • @truckertravis — why would u think u would not be judged by ur profile and pics, since it’s the way u are presenting yourself — u clearly proved my point, so thank u for that

  • @truckertravis — further, i notice now that u have updated ur profile, adding the following:

    “If we become friends in the process GREAT, but pls don t write me about my day or make small talk. I know it s ur way of leading up to a sexual question SO just ask that instead n save us both time”

    again, point proven — in ur original comment u state that “Gay men know no borderies” — it seems as if ur speaking of urself — and btw, it’s “boundaries”

    peace

  • Hey, at least you have gay friends, even if they are fuck buds or fake. I only have my girls. Men in general just don’t seem to like me, so I’m very alone. It might be that my girls understand me better because I think more like a girl than I do as a guy; however, I am not transgender (love my body and my dick, quite fine with that as is). I just get placed in a box that other guys just don’t want to be around, and it’s very much more depressing than just having like a fuck bud situation. That being said, I love my girls, and I will gladly take them for real friends and get blue balls than have nobody around at all.

  • I have had a gay best friend for over 40 years. we met in elementary school when I was just beginning to catch those feelings that boys are more fun to be around than girls. Even though I moved away we continued to keep in touch. His friendship has saved me from insanity at time and I love and will always love him for that.

  • When I was in high school I had no gay friends. I knew other gay guys but never was friends with them. I played the “straight” role until my sophomore year when I came out to my best friend(female). After that I decided to come out to all my close friends, Male and female, which actually caused our bonds to grow closer. My best friends consist of gay and straight men as well as lesbian and straight women. Funny thing is my gay best friends now are the gay guys I DIDN’T talk to in high school..lol. I consider myself very lucky. I don’t find it hard to bond with make friends, whether they be straight or gay.

  • I have some amazing friendships with my guy gay friends. My best friend is gay and we are like brothers, we look after each other and have had some close and deep conversations.

    But I don’t think you are alone. I think that there are guys that can’t have friendships with other gay guys cause there is either competition with each other or there is always a fear that there is going to be sexual tension. I can understand that but I don’t think there is anything to worry about. You’re gonna be friends with who you want. Friends come into our lives when we need them. :)

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