25 Jun 2014

Health : Being POZ And Finding Love

Category: Gay Stuff : Health : Speak Out

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I receive emails every week from members saying that they are having a hard time finding love because they are HIV positive. I am sure it is more complicated than for negative guys, but it is possible. Even around me I have a friend who is negative who dates a positive man. Why? Simply because he loves his partner and couldn’t care less about whether he is poz or neg.

It is true that many guys out there don’t know much about HIV transmission and how low the risks are when someone is on medication so they will categorically exclude positive men from being potential partners. I also think that many positive men exclude themselves by fear of being rejected. Some of you guys are in a serodiscordant relationship, you might be poz and your partner is neg or vice versa…so YES love is possible.

In the comment section below, I would like to hear you guys about this subject. Maybe give poz guys some tips on how to reveal their status to a partner or how to approach someone who is neg on A4A, or maybe encourage negative guys to look further than the status of a person or even share your own story. I think that this can be very helpful for everyone!

There’s a great article on POZ.com about serodiscordant couples sharing their experience, check it out :)

Have a great day guys!

Dave

 

80 comments for Health : Being POZ And Finding Love

  • I wanted to say this was a great article and how HIV is these days not a death sentence. I have know so many that have got past this and have and had long wonderful lives together, thanks foe sharing it all >
    Michael

  • I live in Albuquerque. I tested positive twenty four years ago, and I can tell you that in this town, anybody with HIV is treated nicely in person, but for all practical purposes we might as well be lepers.

    I am glad you created the new HIV category, undetectable. More people need to get the word that undetectable people are highly unlikely to pass on the virus.

  • The easy part is the disclosure of your status…the hard part is getting them to understand you can still have a relationship…including sex!

  • Get it out before you fuck. If it goes further, YAY. If not then maybe the sex was good. Undetectable is not well known. But more guys are realizing undetectable is better than NO STATUS GIVEN or UNKNOWN. Not an issue if you are upfront about status. One more thing to hammer out before getting serious.

  • I think yes, most guys just think that your are positive and just keep going. They don’t really do their research about this issue. I have to say I was one until a dear friend came up positive during a regular cheek up ( something everyone should do). This made got me to thinking and I did some research for myself. After learning about everything I happened to start talking to a great guy on here and decided to meet for dinner one night. Everything went great and we did start dating after that. Now it has been 5 wonderful years we have been together and I get tested regularly and as of this day I am still negative. He takes care of himself, takes his medicine everyday, and goes to his check ups.( yes we do play unsafe) So this just goes to tell you stop and learn something that you should already know, you could be passing up the LOVE of you LIFE.

  • As an HIV+ guy myself I’d love to hear what other have to say. I’ve never had a boyfriend and always felt as though finding someone to be with in a relationship was the hardest thing I ever encountered. The 2.5 years ago I was diagnosed and even though the men I meet are all very kind and respectable they just are so afraid. And the few poz men I’ve met either don’t want anything long term and/or are partiers and that’s just not for me. It’s been a lonely journey and would love to get insight from others.

  • As a guy living with HIV for over the past year I learned a few things about how finding love being Hiv poz.

    1. You make the disease, the disease not make you. Its not oh now i’m hiv poz and i need & want your pity, its about what you can do now about it.
    2. Take care of yourself mentally, spirirually, physcially & take your meds like you suppose to.
    3. Educate people, that while you are hiv, you are healthy and on meds and that getting the virus is less than 3% vs that you have over 75% chance of getting it from someone who “claims” to be negative.
    4. Have people around you that support you. Like my friends say, “so what, you hiv poz. You still the same Seth thats goofy as f*ck and still love.”
    5. If it was meant to be he would had accept you and nit judge you. We all have flaws and that makes us human. Flaunt your flaws, but when you comfortable let them know ur hiv poz.
    6. Lastly, don’t change for anyone. It makes you look desperate.

    I used these rules/tips and found my husband (no he was hiv poz) and had the best relationship before his passing in January. He didn’t care what people said about me, he defended our relationship till his death.. It was about our love, he didn’t expect to fall in love with a guy who was hiv poz, but he did. Oh and being hiv poz is not a reason or excuse to go around sleeping & infecting whoever cause you not praticing safe sex. Fyi.. I didn’t get hiv through sex, i got it through my blood transfusion i received for my lupus.. The blood was tested for hiv antibodies but came up negative and a year later i get a letter stating i need to go and do an hiv test cause the individual may had been infected but didn’t have the antibodies yet… And yes i got a nice settlement from the hospital fir the rest of my life.

  • I lives with my partner for 13 years he he’s poz however he never told me about his stat till 8 years into the relationship I was very pissed at him for not telling me , cause we have unprotected sex all the time, he’s undetectable we continued to have sex all the time most of the time was unprotected sex , luckily I never got infected .yes we have a very nice relationship for 13 years so yes it is possible to have a happy live with a poz guy .sadly we broke up after 13 years of joy for unrelated motives

  • so many people lie on here and so many pos people call themselves negative that I dont think this is much of a concern at all on breaking the news. You have to have a conscience and guys with hard dicks do not have it. There are exceptions, of course, but I think the norm is what I say. I am curious how many of you feel the same as I do

  • I have been poz for 24 years. Yes, that’s right: 24 years. In a fear of dying alone, I put myself back in the closet and married a woman. Now that I am back out of the closet, I find it very disheartening to be dismissed because of my status. It happens way more often that I would like. Thankfully I am seeing some changes. I have a roommate who is negative and is very open to relationships with anyone, no matter what their status. In fact he is currently in a relationship with a Poz guy. So, I still hold out hopes for myself.

    As for how I deal with telling guys, I find it much easier to be open and upfront. That way you don’t give them your heart only to have it crushed when they find out.

  • Thank You so much for bringing this up in your blog! I, as a POZ man feel like many times there is no one out there for me. As I go through the countless profiles and the many men who claim they are Negative, I wonder how many of them do not know their status or out in out lie about it knowing full well that they are POZ. I also feel that many of the Negative men think that all POZ men are positive because they were sluts. This is far from the truth! Lying or not knowing is the biggest problem Gay men face with HIV. Most Gay men proudly post their status as a badge of cleanliness. (Please stop using the word “clean”, as if all Poz men are “DIRTY”.) Some guys are posting that they were tested two years ago! One can be negative and in a blink of the eye become positive and not know it for several weeks or years after. I was infected by my ex-Husband who said to me he was negative and to trust him, I did. Remember love and trust does not go hand in hand with HIV…get tested guys and frequently, every 3 months…and remember, not all POZ men are sluts and have slept with every man in town. Do you know if your man has been completely faithful to you and vise/versa? Please keep in mind that transmission is far less for men who are undetectable and are on meds. And please, do not treat Poz men as “Typhoid Marys”.

  • Try being poz and older. Talk about a reality check.

  • It is my opinion hiv status should be unimportant. Honesty about being poz or neg is excellent. I know guys will not ask me out cuz I am negative. As long as we both know the status of the other, proceed. Tim

  • the problem is a lil thing called stigma..especially in the gay community..in the beginning of the aids crisis all LBGTs supported us with love,understanding as well as advocacy to find a cure…yes meds have had a wonderful impact..no longer is it a death sentance.. we poz guys can lead a full life ! Btw there has never been a case where a poz guy who was undetectable passed it on to a neg person..male or female..some of us even consider ourselves who are undetectable as the “new” neg.. but to address the blog..we all want to be loved..its harder when stigma addresses itself in the manner it does…we are not “spoiled” goods..we laugh,cry,love and cherrish life just as the rest of ya..so to those who are poz,Keep Fighting..as for you neg guys,try to find a lil compasion and understanding..sex is great but most of us want something more meaningful and that takes a different view on life

  • I don’t see anything wrong with dating somebody who is HIV positive. I am not just playing lip service, as I am currently dating somebody that is positive. I have known him well over 20 years. I love him very much. Him being positive
    does not turn me off.

  • I am an HIV positive man with a partner of almost 8 years whom is also positive. Love IS possible for everyone! HIV status should not matter at all! I believe that the problem is education or lack there of and the horrible stigma STILL attached to this disease. Its so very sad we live in a world where men are shunned by their peers because of being poz. Some men would rather take someone at their word, believe that person who could potentially BE positive than someone that is open about it. LOVE is not about a disease, LOVE is not about the color of ones skin, LOVE is not about how hot another’s body is! Wake up young men! Love is LOVE!

  • As a black men that grew up in the 90s I believed I would get HIV because of media which gave me a fear of positive men. I am negative and my ex is positive. The virus was not the reason we broke up and we are still friends. He didn’t tell me for the first 3 months of our relationship and lied to me when I asked him if he knew his status. I don’t want to give the impression he is a bad person, he has been burned in the past from negative guys. Honestly before him I was ignorant about HIV and undetectable status. I learned a lot from the experience and now will not turn down a guy because he is positive. I think there needs to me more information about easily available to educate people, because when I went out to find information it was difficult for me.

  • I am a poz guy here and what people realize is that people who put on there profile they are poz are more honest then the guys on here that say they are neg but the are poz. I being poz have ran into several guys that post on there ad that they are neg/but when chat or talk with them find out they are poz. For the guys out there only looking at the status of someone consider yourself lucky to have a guy that is not ashamed of his status and is up front about it. Hiv is not the guy it is no more then anything else that someone could have and if protected there is very low risk in it.

  • As an infectious disease nurse, one aspect you need to remember is that there are two types of detection. There is “serum undetectable” which is where there HIV disease is undetectable in the blood, then there is “Semen Undetectable” which is where the semen is tested for the HIV levels.

    A person can be Serum Undetectable however their levels can be higher in the Semen. So…even though one may be serum undetectable they may not be semen undetectable so always remember that protection is always needed with an individual with HIV.

    I am all for healthy sexual relationships with +/- couples and I would NEVER let the diagnosis of HIV keep me from the MAN I love. So with that…Find that one that makes you happy and remember to live, love and have laughter…most of all a healthy safe sex life!

    Kisses!

  • IT IS ALOT OF HIV+ PEOPLE ON HERE SAYING THE ARE HIV- WHEN THEY ARE REALLY POZ AND SOME PEOPLE JUST DON’T CARE… THAT’S MY TAKE ON IT.

  • Its so hard to find someone that can deal with me being pos and I cant make you be with me but guys are so closed minded that there not even open to giving you a chance so how do I move forward without getting into my feels. can someone tell me how to deal please send reply to MrAlour@gmail.com I’m open to listen thanks

  • I’ve had a dear friend who I’ve known for many years. Some 25+ years ago he tested positive. It was devastating. I helped him research everything and helped him bury the partner he had who passed the virus on to him. He’s a great guy, he’s been on meds and undetectable for years now but as a male heading toward 60 I’ve seen the prejudice firsthand. The stigma is out there and very real. Perhaps the toughest part is watching MY OWN community offer all the platitudes of acceptance but judge him behind his back. They even judge those of us who have been his stalwart friends over these years. It’s almost like being POSITIVE BY ASSOCIATION. Sadly, I could understand if he never stated his status but he’s always up front about it. We live in a fairly large metropolitan area where you would think people would be more educated and accepting. I hope that we see a day when the stigma is no longer there. I’ve lived long enough now to see acceptance and gay marriage, I just hope I live long enough to see the prejudice against HIV+ people go away and I hope I live long enough to see my friend in a loving accepting relationship.

  • I may have a totally different take on this.

    I’m an older (50ish) HIV negative man and I KNOW the reason why I’m negative today is because in the past I simply assumed that EVERYONE I slept with was HIV positive. That was what I was taught to think by my peers and by “the community” when I was just a cub.

    But these days, twenty years since, post crisis, I find myself suddenly single again and having to negotiate safe sex almost every fucking time. Seems most guys think that if they only get with CLEAN DDF guys then they’ll be OK. Hate to break it to you boys… it don’t work that way.

    Worse off, the sad truth is I’m just not that good at negotiating safe sex anymore; I was in a relationship for the past 24 years and I simply got out of practice. BB feels good, and blowing my load inside a guy’s ass (or vice versa) feels intimate, even if it is fleeting. I rationalize it all of course, argue that I’m an older guy having to “compete” in the gay meat market. I find myself falling prey to wishing for the same CLEAN DDF magic amulet BS as everyone else.

    So I’ve come to the conclusion that I PREFER to date someone who is HIV Positive – IF they are taking care of themselves. First off, rather than being the death sentence it was when I was 20, it is now a manageable chronic disease like diabetes. Second off, seems that the wake up call it gives (some) guys – that our time is limited, everyone is imperfect and you got to make the best of what you got – prepares them to be in a REAL friendship/relationship me. And third, I’m aware of the sero-prejudice exists so I respect the COURAGE it takes for someone to tell me that they are positive (as long they tell me BEFORE we have sex – otherwise they are not respecting me and my choices and that pisses me off big time).

    End of story – I’ve found that I’m more relaxed being with A REAL MAN whose dealing with his shit and working within the reality of what it means, then having dozens of boys stuck in a never ending loop of denial, drugs and looking for Mr. perfect dick.

    PS: I’m talking to my doctor about PREP soon. You think I’m a good candidate? ;-)
    PPS: For those guys who remember the terms – neither am I a “bug chaser” seeking “the gift”. That was a pile crap too.

  • I have recently reached my 31st anniversary of being HIV positive after three decades of war — nothing short of being on the front lines of death and destruction of my amazing peer group. Because I am a survivor and someone who has withstood the worst persecution possible — often from friends, business, and family — I long ago elected not to share my status in social media until I have a reason to do so. Because I’ve taken good care of myself, I actually am quite a stud and do well in the dating pool because I am sexually healthy and don’t do stupid things. These days, HIV is a much smaller worry than other sexually-transmitted issues that can really wreck your health. So you don’t have sex with self-identified HIV+ people? Shame, cause most viral neg people are among the safest and most well-screened I know. The real issue here is self-esteem and whether you or your next partner chooses to live in ignorance or reality. I’m just as “clean” as you are, pal. And don’t forget it.

  • I’ve found its harder to date guys being poz unless they are pox but then guys who are poz party and use the hard stuff. I’m upfront and honest with the guy I meet and they suddenly become uninterested. Most recently towards the end of Denver Pride. Being in my mid 30′s its harder to find someone you can fall in love with because their just going to dump you when they find out you have HIV. I’m very conscious about taking my medication daily to making sure I stay undetectable. I’m convinced I’ll be single for the rest of my life but hope a guy will be informed about HIV should I meet him and it goes somewhere.

  • I think it’s great that this is being talked about but it makes me sad that people are still exposing themselves to this and other diseases just cause it’s somehow controlled. Myself included. And don’t feel bad guys.. Love sucks just for us negative guys too.

  • I have been Poz since 1988. I live in a smaller city and the stigma against poz is worse here than in a larger or major metropolitan area….

  • In my opinion LOVE is super hard 2 find . Ive been searching for tat person . I know wat LOVE is . ♥ is care 4 tat special pair of eyes.♥is 2 wake up in the morning & the 1st thing u do is :-) just because that special nose breathes the same air as u do . BEING POZ is not a barrier 4 ♥ 2 show up . When ♥ is near u .u don’t care 4 poz or neg all u care is 4 those special lips 2 b all around u .saying I ♥ U

  • Hello,

    I live in a small community and all the Gay men are aware that i am POZ and i am treated like SHIT. They don’t want to even say HI to u cuz ur poz. It is so sad to go through this. But it is all about having cock and unsafe sex to the negative guys.

  • I hope that I am not an outlier but I am 23 and my views regarding HIV status is that it does not matter. What matters the most to me is honesty and that the individual would respect me enough to tell me the truth. I would never even think about rejecting a guy simply because he is HIV+. We have many tools out there that can allow for a long lasting healthy relationship between and A poz and neg partner. I believe my problem, however, is when the status affects someones personality and outlook on life so extensively that it would affect me as well. Just relax, smile and ask me on a date already, people. :p

  • I just moved to a smaller city in the Midwest. What a culture shock. Being poz still carries a huge stigma around it in smaller cities. I am undetectable and very open about it. I finally realized I am only allowing people to be stupid if I don’t speak up. Not a a saint for doing this… tired of stupid… it’s been 25 years already.

  • I recently split from my partner of 10+ years. I was diagnosed a few years into our relationship. He was never tested until last month. We had a fabulous sex life, all unprotected for years. It became less and less and then for the last few years not at all. I think my being positive turned him off to me. I have been on meds for several years and undetectable for almost as long. He tested negative, he was mostly the top, although I ejaculated in him many times. Did my hiv status end the relationship, I’ll never know. But I do know it changed things.

  • I recently found out I was HIV+ after moving back home to upstate NY. I am finding it extremely challenging finding guys to be friends with after disclosing my status, let alone finding a partner. If only people would realize that being Poz has nothing to do with the kind of person I am, they would learn that I’m a very likable person and a great friend. It’s very disappointing to see just how closed-minded the gay community is. With so many others against us, why should we be against each other?

  • I have been Poz going on almost four years now. I became Poz at 27. It’s really funny and scary at the same time how life throws unexpected curve balls at you. I always practiced safe sex and the one time I let my guard down for the wrong man, I get severely burned. However, I still remain strong and committed to finding the relationship I long for. I am not desperate and nor will I settle because of my status. I rather be alone happy then be with a man that makes my life miserable.

    @MJA: I feel the same way sometimes about other Poz men…its frustrating as hell sometimes lol!! I look at it like this….everything happens for a reason and maybe the person you were suppose to be with is Poz as well…we just have to find them in due time I guess. Optimistic way of looking at it in the natural. Love is possible either way.

    MJA, and any others that are interested, my profile is Soulintha805

    Much love and many blessings to you all.

  • I’m neg have tested negative,and i have dated a few guys who are poz and it wasn’t the deal breaker. It just meant we had to approach our penetration differently and with caution. However I have found having a relationship from my own experience far more rewarding because one learns to feel differently. Although we’re not dating, we shared experiences that helped us sustain a valuable friendship after. So I would give a poz person a chance because its all about educating oneself of the information.
    Sidenote: my relationship ended not bout status just about having the time to spend with each other thru hectic schedules

  • I am HIV positive and I have to say that I have found it extremely hard to find my husband. I have been poz for 12 yrs now and I am doing very well. I go to my check ups, and do what I should but it has been like pulling teeth finding my mate. I am not going to give up cause I know that he is out there. I have a lot to offer him and I can’t wait to share with him. I believe that if you be honest with yourself and whit the person that you are dealing with then it will not be an issue to talk about you being positive. However, it starts with you first.

  • I received a positive diagnosis six years ago. I have been turned away for my status and I have been accepted. I have been with my partner who is negative, for three years. Don’t ever let anybody tell you that you are unworthy of love just because you are positive. Continue loving yourself and a partner will follow.

  • I recently met a guy nearby who kept his status hidden from me. I could feel he was hiding something but was just too afraid to spit it out and the only way I managed to get him to admit it was by getting inside his head and tricking him. When he cracked he said ‘I’m undetectable, you won’t get anything’
    That’s complete BS. Undetectable or not, it should be MY decision about what choices I want to make with my body and He was trying really hard to get me to have sex with him without me wearing a condom. If you have HIV you need to let the person know. Low risk or not, the possibility is there. Condoms exist to eliminate this possibility. I told him that I wouldn’t be seeing him anymore, not because he had HIV but because he tried to lie/hide it. Hiding it just makes you an ugly person and I have no trust for ppl like that. After something like this, how could I?

  • I have dated HIV positive guys in my past and my dearest love of my life, who, by sad circumstances, is not with me anymore, is HIV positive. Love happens and in my life and upbringing, I have always fell in love with the individual; not his health status. One is negative from one test to another and HIV is considered a chronic disorder that is treatable and has not reduced the life expectancy of many individuals. Therefore, let us not be afraid to love and be loved.

    May all of us decide to bring down all our self-imposed barriers and decide to love now and always.

  • At 32 and with a recent seven-plus years’ treatment term, I am fairly at a healthier state. The treatment and its maintenance continue, and this practice is life-long for me.

    I am, currently, sexually healthy and–to my knowledge–without HIV. So, what am I talking about? For me and what has been my fear in finding love with a man–I have a different kind of stigmatic illness.

    I get what some men with HIV express in regards to finding love. I’ve recently found enlightening knowledge in the “HIV Undetectable” personal page selection. By raising my brow, I’ve seen insight into this area and truly appreciate this recognition.

    Personally, I’ve made efforts to communicate with other men, who have HIV, and have presented my peaked interest in them. Without any reasons sent back my way, I never got responses. To each his own, every man has choices in life, and all I have is love and acceptance for all humanity.

    Currently, I am dating a man who is just in love with me! We’ve known each other before, but he has recently returned to my life. While I may have pushed him away, in the past, I am developmentally in a better place now. How can I turn love and acceptance away? We are working together to work with what we’ve got, individually, so as to make the best together. His patience and kindness with me has been an inpiration or even a noticeable mirror to what I’ve been working-on within myself.

    I, for the past seven-plus years, have sought professional treatment for clinical depression. Nearly losing my life, twice, to this illness–I’ve learned a great matter of knowledge that have only improved my overall health and well-being. Officially, I am diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder with bipolar type. And as of recent, one specialist in the mental health field has noted, after having worked with me on a every weekday basis for two months, that I may seek another official diagnosis into the autistic spectrum. Moreover, she stated having noticed in me of certain features and qualities that have been recently part of Asperger’s Syndrome, once a diagnosis in autism.

    Enough said, there are so many parts and features that are carried in humanity that if some were to be removed–whether the negatives or positives–then we would not have the greatest collections of complexities that make each of us so beautiful as we carry-on and make the best of what we’re given.

    In a television show called “Fringe” from the FOX network, I’ve found myself quoting a line from one special episode that’s meant a lot to my on-going efforts for my happiness and well-being. “With each rain drop comes the promise of re-growth.” Keep growing. Love will be there–whether good times or bad. I wish you love and happy lives, because each of you is worth the while.

  • Most of you aren’t single because you tested positive, you are single because, despite your diagnosis, you are still engaging in same mindless behavior that led to your infection, in the first place. As an HIV – man, I would never knowingly get involved with someone who is HIV +, because most of them live reckless lives and have no idea how to self-protect. A man who doesn’t care about infecting himself or in some cases, re-infecting himself, certainly doesn’t care about protecting me from this dreadful disease!

  • I have been HIV+ for almost 8 years. It is sad because the only thing i have ever wanted was to find love and settle down. A corny thing to say but i always wanted the american dream of a great husband. I have never felt more rejection till I became positive. It sucks when you build a relationship with someone then you talk about your status and they turn their back on you. I refuse to change for anyone and just because of my stats people reject me before they get the chance to know me. I can tell myself: too bad for them, or Its their loss. But in all reality I’m the one who is getting hurt because I am the one who is alone and single

  • I have been dating my man for a year and a half. He is undetectable and takes his meds every day. He is 16 years older (I like my men older! :D ) and we love each other very much. I am neg and test every 6 months. I don’t know of any other poz-neg relationships in my town, but I have a lot of friends that are poz-poz couples. I know there’s love out there for everyone. I actually had a friend who starting dating a guy, and a few months into it, the guy tested poz. My friend came to me, because he knew I was in a neg-poz relationship. We had a long talk about it and I know lots and lots of information about the disease and precautions to take.

  • I have been HIV positive four years now and when first diagnosed it was the lowest day of my life. I have since come to realize I will be just fine. A “status” that many people just do not understand. It is not easy being poz, but we can make it a better world with education. I have met some great guys who when I told them I was poz and that was in the initial contact…. they backed off or some said they were glad I told them BUT they could not put themselves at risk… SO education is the goal …….. Nobody will be accepted by everyone but we can at least have as normal of a life as one makes and do it with respect and passion. Be who you are and make the most of each day.

  • I found out I was POZ a month and a half ago. I just started dating someone 4 months ago and he has stuck by my side thru it all and he says we are gonna be together no matter what. I thought for sure he was gonna leave me but he is very understanding and he is negative.

  • why does one need to disclose personal and confidential information? you dont need to,

  • I have a great guy in my life, unfortunately I found out after having unprotected sex that he is HIV+. He is undetectable and he is up on his meds and gets regular checkups. I am on pep right now and go in to get retested on the 7th. I am in love with him and hopefully we will be together for a long time. I urge men to do research before rejecting an HIV+ guy.

  • I’m in a six year serodiscordant relationship. I’m undetectable and very happy. Yet everyday I see profiles where guys put statements that they’re only looking for negative guys. These are the people who hide behind the “I’m entitled to my preference” excuse for their comments. But profiles serve the public just as much as they serve the one posting the profile. Men with HIV are indeed being systematically ostracized online but if you’re poz, you shouldn’t lose hope for love. Be honest. Communicate the facts about HIV. Be educated, yourself. Claim the badge of honor called “survivor”! Your worth shouldn’t be measured by an uneducated and phobic person.

  • I understand how low the risks are for getting infected when someone is taking their meds, but that is just an additional risk that I don’t need to take. I could die in a car crash any time I drive my car, I accept that risk because I need to be mobile, but I choose not to smoke and I choose not to date men who are positive.

  • You control the disease not your Heart

  • I used to think Hiv was for dirty whores who jumped from guy to guy and myself not very comfortable with gay sex especially gay sex I would never have to worry it. Then I met a guy as it always happens and I fell very quickly. He has tall hairy and hung everything I could ever want and more. He became my first we dated for about four years and through that time I still was not comfortable with anal sex I didn’t know how to prepare how to relax and what not so long story short we opened up our relationship and started enjoying thirds and what not. Every time with the thirds it was as safe as can be. He would end endless hours online looking for the next guy and at times it really damaged our relationship non stop on online constantly looking. I did it because I loved him, plus I kind of like watching and what not. Sadly I didn’t know in his desperate attempts the amount of pos guys he invited over. The sex was still safe however nothing is %100. We broke up after four years I went for a regular exam and I thought why not get tested it was four years since my original test and it was free. About a week later I received the call, oddly my Dr wouldn’t tell me my results over the phone and my heart sank. I was like there was no way. I was only unsafe with one person and well that rarely happened so how could this be. My x partner had never been tested. Through a long drawn out process one by one these random 3somes guys were popping up positive. I was so hurt that he would expose to hiv just to get his rocks off. I can’t believe it happened to me. I loved him so much yet all he cared about was getting off. Now my life has changed for ever I look to date pos guys and most are to the point that they desire sex 24 7 because they have already contracted hiv so anyone anywhere anytime. Have they given up, are they hiding their hurt their fears of hiv by an overactive unsafe sex drive. No one but my x knows I am positive its my dirty little secret. I read online how you should come out be proud to be positive however I know that if and when I do people will realize who I was infected by and rather then put him through or to expose his status I keep mine hidden. Sadly to this day he still lies about his status.

  • My HIV+ status has never been a crutch–nor will it ever be. Whether it’s when I’m looking for a relationship or a quick fuck. No apologies here.

  • I don’t disclose right away but before anything sexual happens I disclose. I show my test results which show an undetectable status. If rejection happens it happens. One thing I have learned is that you can be rejected by a poz guy just as easily as a neg guy. I am a great guy and have a lot to offer so I always consider it the other guys loss not mine! Love will triumph!

  • I enjoyed this article and I don’t discriminate at all towards men with HIV. I am the honest and caring type and I would like for the guy I’m with to be just as honest with me. If he was to tell me he was positive, it wouldn’t change my perception of him to the worst, it would increase my perception because he was just as honest telling me.

  • I strongly encourage those who are neg to open their minds and their hearts. Poz does not mean leporsy or something that’s guaranteed to kill you, it just simply means living a different life. I welcome any man who decides along with me to begin a new life together as long as he has an open mind and heart. I happen to be a black man who resides in the Atlanta area, and I find it hard to find a man who wants to date exclusively. Sometimes it’s due to ethnicity and sometimes age; hopefully one day gay men will wake up and look pass the so-called flaws that they ask everyone else to look pass for them. Just my opinion.

  • Knowledge really IS power. So guys, get the knowledge.

    Knowledge in this regard means understanding how to stay safe in any kind of sexual relationship. With a known poz guy, a proclaimed neg guy, or with someone who doesn’t know. Assume everyone is poz no matter what they say, and proceed with every safety net there is.

    Then you can concentrate on finding a man with all of the other qualities you seek. Those that really matter. Because if you play safe 100% of the time, the HIV issue no longer takes center stage.

  • Love this article… Seriously guys its not the dark ages…. Most guys flip at the poz status but fail to realize… They are safer having bareback sex with someone who is positive on medication and has an undetectable viral load than the supposed negative guy lying about his status!!! Men with HIV and are aware of it and taking meds are way healthier than most other guys!!!! Seriously let’s kill this stigma and treat people as humans…. That’s all we are!!! Love thy fellow man and treat them with respect… You never know when and if the tables will be turned

  • I am neg, and always afraid to get it. Try to play safe, but not 100% of the times happen. But in my effort to play safe, I have my clear priorities:
    -Unknown status. Take all precautions
    -Positive or undetectable. At least they are aware, and know the risks
    -Negative. Take more chances (even anybody could have turned + since the last detection)

    Always had a question, Is it true that a top is at far less risk than a bottom?

  • 505ChevyBoi, the fact that you would suggest having unprotected sex with someone who’s infected is horrifying. I’m starting to wonder if most gay men are mentally ill. Like I said in a previous post, men like 505ChevyBoi are the reason I would NEVER date anyone who is positive. I have no room in my life for self-destructive, loose men.

  • I myself am positive and being so does make it little more difficult to meet and have a relationship with a new partner. But I am always open about my status. I have found some amazing guys both negative and positive who did not care that I am positive. But had no luck with being in a relationship but I am still crossing my fingers ill find one. Just got to wait for this stigma to be lifted from the rest of these guys.

  • you all would be amazed how many men are poz on A4A and say they are negative in their profile. i thinks its better not to say anything than to lie.

  • Sorry, but when you are HIV positive your life should be over. You should be kicked off of social media, blocked from most forms of communication before you can spread your sickness to normal people. You failed and there is no reason to drag the rest of society down with you.

  • Positive undetectable isn’t license to just have a fuck fest. Ignorance to the inherent dangers of strain mixing because you think you can go BB full throttle is a dialogue that needs to be opened .
    If I had to guess … 50% of guys who say they are neg are + and 25% of the + guys are NOT undetectable !

    Knowledge can save your life. Just put on a condom !!
    How hard is that? And check for cleanliness !!!

  • My partner of almost 20 years told me he was POZ on our first date, back before there were hardly any medicine options. Nonetheless, I ‘liked him a lot, so we started dating. I’ve remained NEG all these years. He’s all top, I’m all bottom. One thing I noticed very early on is, he has zero pre-cum. After we moved in together, he started to fuck me bareback, but does NOT cum in me, orally or anally. About a month ago I started on the PrEP drug TRUVADA, hoping that someday I can talk him into completing the fucking with his load in my ass. We have an appt with his HIV specialist later in Jul to talk about what risks that may entail. With other guys, I always ask them to bring a long an HIV home test kit. He does the mouth swab upon his arrival, the foreplay begins while the test runs, and then when NEG, he is welcome to fuck me bareback. I know that I do have a real preference for bare cock and cum in me. Just my way. And so far, so good.

  • Yuck. No way. Will not date poz. Won’t even have sex with one, unless he’s lying about his status and I don’t know. It scares me. I always use protection and safer practices. I admit I have been with a positive guy and it was very impersonal and unsatisfying. I didn’t kiss him or have any contact with his body fluids such as cum, saliva or sweat. I can’t make love like that I want passion and full body contact. I keep up on the latest information and understand how it isn’t and is transmitted and what the risks are but I would rather just stick with other negative guys. It makes me slightly resentful because I’ve continued to stay educated from the beginning and have protected myself from infection. I don’t see why many of the positive men today didn’t do the same. In my opinion they have enough opportunities for hook ups and dating among other positive men and should leave negative men alone.

  • There are a few things i really hate>> I hate when gay men refer to them selves as “CLEAN” … That opposite of nasty/dirty…I find that rather disgusting!!! some men tent to think or believe… that men living with HIV/AIDS have slept with TOm,Dick,Harry,Peter,James and Paul.. well I have got for u guys.. most of these men were infected because the truth was hidden,they made the mistake and trusted liars and of course carelessness from the health workers..I would say its a total shame when we judge some one with out the facts.

  • I lived in San Francsico from 1975 until 2002, so I had the pre-AIDS period to get to know guys. However, I’m the dating/marrying type and that was instrumental in keeping me single. Nobody was the marrying kind back then if they were young.
    Came AIDS. For a couple of years, negative and positive men sorted out their fears: some about zero-converting others and the negs? Well, did they want to have to care for their lovers if they got stick (forget the fact that the lover could be negative and have a stroke/heart attack/MS/Lou Gehrig’s Disease, etc.); it was a hard time.
    I dated several positive guys (I’m negative) and have never declined to date someone positive, because A), it is hard enough to find a full functioning, emotionally balanced, happy guy with a minimum of self-esteem issues out there without pushing away guys who, because they’re turned positive, appreciate the reality that the only day we’re promised is the one we’re in. The idea that “I’ll go around the world when I’m 50″ or “I’ll get married when I’m 40″ is delusional thinking. you might not even live past next week, but the human mind conspires to make us think of our lives as happening in some ‘distant future.’ This is delusional. Enjoy today and if you meet a wonderful guy and he’s positive, remember this; you might get hit by a bus before he shows the slightest sign of full-blown AIDS and then who will be the caregiver? I should point out that I’m Black and 63. This lesson so many men are learning now? I learning this back before there was a Civil Rights Voting Act, when life was dangerous for me each and every day. I didn’t have the luxury of pretending I’d live to be 80. Neither do you, so stop fantasying that that is how life is going to go. If you meet someone wonderful (excluding extenuation circumstances), and the attraction and spirituality and common connections are there, you are only damning yourself to loneliness if you pass it up. The Universe hears guys say, ‘I want someone wonderful’ and it says, “Really? Okay, we’ll send you one to see if you’re ready,” You meet that wonderful guy, sabotage the relationship and in that one stroke, inform Life that ‘No, I said I wanted someone wonderful, but not THAT wonderful.’ And Life says, ‘You got what you asked for, and you were not ready. it will be a long while before we answer your request again.’ So, make up your mind; do you want genuine, unselfish, loving guys or are you just lying to yourself. A HIV positive guy who’s sweet, affectionate, passionate, and attractive to me??? He’ll be lucky if I don’t tie him to the bed for 20 years (with his permission, and flowers on Valentine’s Day, of course!)And it wouldn’t hurt if he had really nice…feet.

  • The biggest problem today are HIV ignorant men. They are more likely to not get tested due to fear and stigma. They typically hide their sexual behavior from their family and doctor. Thry are more likely to panic even after safer sex with a man they suspect is HIV+.

    I was in an HIV discordant relationship for 8 years; amicable separation due to a carrer change. My former partner, entered into a new HIV discordant relationship; 18 yrs later he remains HIV-!

    I work in a clinic…I’ve seen many more cases of chlamydia and gonorrhea than HIV. Bottom line – GET TESTED! GET EDUCATED! PLAY SMART! ENJOY LIFE!

  • I have been POZ since 2006 I met my wonderful partner in 2008 after bring diagnosed with Testicular Cancer…our 2nd date was at my oncologist office to find out I had to start Chemotherapy…while there I had to discuss with the doc how the chemo would effect my HIV what would happen if I was so sick I couldn’t take the peals meds etc. My partner is a very intelligent man and was able to put two and two together and figured out I was POZ in the doctors office. We had a long discussion about my status after the doctors appointment and we educated ourselves more together. We are coming up on our 6 year anniversary on July 3rd and are happier everyday!

  • I was in a sero-discordant relationship for many years and remained neg; my poz partner was afraid he would infect me and left me for another poz person.

    Based on my experience, I don’t have a hang up with someone’s HIV status. As far as my ex goes, we are still friends.

  • i lost way to many friends including my brother to aids to care what a persons status is, i cherished these men, sometimes i wonder why i am still around when these guys were the most wonderful men i had ever met and in some cases slept with, so it really makes no difference to me on someones status cause were talking heart stuff not hormones!

  • As a very young (25) poz man that’s lived with it for two years, I find it disheartening that all the pos guys I find online are looking for casual once off sex. It’s almost as though they’ve given up. At the same time it perpetuates this stereotype that all pos guys are after is sex and are sluts. Yes some may have been infected through promiscuity but a number of us were in committed relationships and trusted our partners who screwed us over.
    I wish I could find the one guy I could share a life with but its fucking hard when everyone treats you like a leper.

  • How sad it is to read these comments. All these years later and people sill wish Ill harm to HIV+ men. This is 2014!

    Recently I have gone to the baths a few times and am in total shock at the amount of guys having bb sex!

    This was a great topic for you a4a to cover. But maybe you should go further and discuss why men have unsafe sex with strangers. Also I think it would be wonderful if a4a once and for all listed all the precautions for safe sex….what is risky and what is not.

    Another topic that isn’t touched on much is guys with herpes. I recently meet a really nice guy who disclosed these to me up front but I was afraid to have sex because I was uneducated on the topic.

    Maybe once and for all we can all have a reference source here on A4A for the entire community.

  • Hang in there Dan – it will come to you – be paitent. I know the feeling of being a LEPER among LEPERS – HCV+ and HIV+.

  • I’ve just read the comments on here after posting relatively early and I find that I am deeply saddened by the ignorance,bigotry and stupidity evidenced in some of the posts. To state that HIV+ individuals are any more (or less) slutty than other individuals, speaks more about the person doing the posting than the persons to which they refer. I’ve known TONS of HIV- guys who are out and out WHORES and who have either been lucky (genetically disinclined to seroconvert or able to dodge those who were + or dodge agressive strains of HIV) or just managed to stay safe through some sort of divine (or less than divine) intervention. HIV status doesn’t dictate morality any more than being gay/straight/bi etc… does. I’ve always treated EVERYONE as if they were + and it has served me well over the years. I remain negative and YES I have, on occasion, slept with several guys. There are few of us out there who can honestly say we haven’t slept around at least a little in our sexually active days. When we all take responsibility for our OWN STATUS and protect ourselves, we will see this disease come under greater control. While I respect everyone’s RIGHT to sleep with whomever they choose, either + or -, I do NOT support their right to bash those who are HIV+. This disease does not discriminate. It can be acquired through ONE encounter and we have noted numerous times, may NOT be acquired by some individuals after several exposures. When you are stigmatizing any member of our community, you are stigmatizing all of us—including yourself. A condom can break, you could end up in some freak accident where you are exposed and then your hateful words may come back to haunt you. Take responsibility for your own exposure and remember that it doesn’t matter whether you are + or -, you do not want to continue exposure either way since the virus has numerous mutations. Treat EVERYONE as if they are + and love whomever you meet that is worthy of your love. I wouldn’t turn away a true love if he came with cancer, lupus, fibromyalgia, or any disease that I could protect myself from. I would learn to protect myself and the person that I love and treasure the time I had with them.

  • I have been finding it hard to find love, i have been hiv poz for over a year now but only found out 5 months ago. When im talking to people and they find out my status they get really mean and say some nasty things to me like i need to kill myself cuz the world would be a better place with hiv poz people in it. I tell them that im on meds for and have been taking care of myself so i dont see why it should matter too much if you love someone you should look past the status and look into their heart and personality.

  • Personally, I don’t give a shit if you’re POZ or not, as long as you are keeping yourself healthy, and not putting me at undue risk. As an HIV negative guy, I feel like I’m in the minority of people who don’t care. I can easily take precautions (prophylactic anti-retroviral drugs and condoms). I refuse to ostracize someone for being sick.

  • I have been poz now since ’96 and its not very easy to find love. Like other poz guys, its a lonely road. Surely there are some poz guys who are in a relationship but others of us finding it hard. Its even harder to find love when you are poz and black (double whammy) but life goes on and you have to learn to deal with it. That is why I stay home now and very seldomly go out. I am now a house rat. I visit my doctor regularly. I am undetectable and my cd4 is over 700. I am honest about my status when I write my profile online so if anyone wants to chat they know about me and if I see the conversation is going further, I usually ask them if they read my profile, just to be sure they know what they are getting into.

  • I am going on 5 years as HIV positive. Due to a low point and depression I chose not to use protection when hooking up & bottomed for someone who I later discovered deliberately lied about his status.
    1. Take ownership of your body and your actions.
    2. Assume every person is positive if you are going to engage in risky behavior.
    3. Horny people will tell you just about anything to have sex.
    4. If someone tells you they are positive because they are horny for you thank them & take preventative measures if you are neg and want to have sex. If you decide not to have sex, realize that a stranger was totally honest about something they may hold as a deep secret with you. They may be a super candidate for a new friend.
    5. Many people lie about their status & only come out under the cover of darkness.
    6. You status is only as valid as the time of your last testing provided you are not in an incubation state. So by the time you have test results, if you have engaged in risky behavior a time prior you may already be positive and not showing.
    7. It sucks to be a raw versatile top positive guy and find someone who is also a raw versatile top yet negative guy who could be the love of your life if you were not positive. Thankfully he makes a great best friend and does me raw but it requires that WE always have to find a 3rd for me to top. It pains me to have to get a 3rd due to my selfishness & in NO way do I hope my potential love becomes positive.

  • I think this article is about being HIV positive and finding love but most of the comments don’t even focus on it and are rather negative sounding. I want to say that you can be HIV positive and find love. I did (with another HIV+ guy) and now thanks to being able to get married we are engaged and planning a wedding. He wants a big traditional wedding, I would have been happy with a quick Justice of the Peace. So I hope this gives others encouragement that you can find love.

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